Glendalia 2!

April 17th, 2014

Photo by Jonathan Saunders

I’m very excited about our second Glendalia, coming to the Complex on May 6!

Our amazing line-up is:

Brandie Posey (Lady 2 Lady)
Steve Hernandez (Respect the Danger of Knives)
Claire Titleman (Recently on Chelsea Lately)
Tyler Boeh (Boston comedy comp finalist)
Ian Karmel (Chelsea Lately cast, Conan)
Jackie Kashian (Conan, Dork Forest)

Lady 2 Lady!

April 16th, 2014

My episode of Lady 2 Lady is up for your enjoyment, with lovely hostesses Brandie Posey, Barbara Gray and Tess Barker, where we answer the tough questions about cats v. dogs and people who believe that a thin layer of tissue is of any help on a public toilet or no.  It was an honor to be on Lady to Lady and on Maximum Fun.org, with such amazing talents as John Hodgman and the ever talented Dave Hill.

Bee Funny!

April 7th, 2014

“Bee Funny By Susanna Lee”

This is an adorable concept for a show with a cute host and flyer to match- some of LA’s smartest and most available comics compete in a spelling bee that determines performance order in the show!  It’s free and fun and come out!

Welcome to GLENDALIA!

March 31st, 2014

glendalia2

Photo Credit: Jonathan Saunders of I Like To Tell Stories

I’m excited to announce that one of my oldest Portland comedy pals, Dax Jordan, and I are bringing a new comedy night to the LA area!  It’s at the super cool Complex at 806 Colorado in Glendale.  We’ll be hosting our amazingly hilarious friends and offering 2 lottery spots for attending comics!  COMPLEX features a full bar and ample seating and  lots of fun for EVERYONE.

First Show’s Roster: Ron Funches (Kroll Show, Conan, Undateable)

Auggie Smith (Living Legend, won SF and Seattle comps the same year)

Robert Buscemi (just a real ray of sunshine and a real pretty peacock)

Heather Thomson (Class, Sass, and Ass)

Richard Bain (An incredibly funny person)

Brock Wilbur (Crime Travel, Guitar Center’s spokesmodel)

Booking requests go to Glendaliabooking@gmail.com!

No Gracias, Madre- my review from Yelp.com

March 31st, 2014

  I have always loved Gracias Madre SF and was looking forward to checking out the new Melrose location.   Every time I’d been to San Francisco, I’d made it a point to visit Gracias Madre, even though it was always a wait and jam-packed with happy customers.  I had been talking our local outpost up to local and far-flung vegans.  It was a bit of a wait, as usual, but our spicy Purista tequila drinks and cauliflower and cashew cream were fantastic.

When I got my entree, however, I bit down hard on a tooth-sized shard of glass that had been inside.   I felt that unpleasant nausea of “did I break a tooth” and then tasted blood as I scraped my tongue.  We called the waitress over and she apologized and told the kitchen.  The manager came over and apologized again.  I was offered a comp dessert, but I found that my appetite was reduced after the glass chewing.  The last thing I needed to deal with was glass-filled Mexican wedding cookies.  I was pleased to see that the tab was reduced to just drinks and one entree and we sent our card to pay.  An apologetic waitress came back over and said she’d gotten it wrong, she was only supposed to take off the entree that had the glass in it, and brought us a new tab.
Look, I’m not complaining that I got a large, sharp shard glass in my food, which ruined my dinner and evening.  I know that this stuff can happen, and in their defense, glass is totally vegan.  I’m just surprised that the comp was only for the food that had glass in it.
I hate to review a vegan restaurant like this, but I really feel that this was handled poorly.
See the receipt with the code for foreign object discount, which for some reason made me laugh.  In short, gracias but no gracias, man.

My receipt, showing the discount for a foreign object in my food. Yum!

 

Ladies of Comedy!

March 28th, 2014

I’m so excited to be on this show in a vintage store in Burbank with some AMAZING women, including Laura Kightlinger, Beth Stelling, Emily Heller, April Richardson, and the lovely and talented Brandie Posey!

So, You Think You Can Dance Downtown?

March 27th, 2014

photo (1)

OK, I’m a big fan of the show So You Think You Can Dance.   I felt lucky to attend some shows last season, and when I got an email for two shows this week, I jumped on it.  I was nervous when I saw that the address was for the Orpheum and not the CBS lot, but when I got there it was clear that it was: Auditions.  I didn’t want to go to fucking auditions.  I want costumes and choreography and ensemble pieces.

In recent seasons, I haven’t even watched auditions.  One in twenty people will be good, one in forty will be amazing, one in ten will be completely delusional.   It’s the reality TV shock-jock portion, where people fall and cry and lie and the desperation seeps through and they edit to support the judge’s decisions.  However, I had already parked downtown all day for six dollars, so I stayed.

 It was kind of cool to be in the Orpheum and to see the familiar carpeting and to see a pile of dance bags and the warm up room.  We were seated and introduced to the newest judge, Christina Applegate, who has been a dancer her whole life and who crossed the stage in gold heels so high she needed a handler to come down the steps to the judge’s dais.

  Nigel Lythgoe went through a list of don’ts for the dancers.  He listed out things the judges were tired of seeing.

1. Don’t extend an arm and reach out pleadingly to the judges, wild-eyed.

2. Don’t jeté , tumble, then leap into the air to jeté again.  OVER IT.

3. Don’t look at the floor. (This is also a good tip for comedy!)

4.   Don’t wink.

5. Don’t put your finger on your mouth.

6. Don’t blow a kiss.

7. Don’t lip-sync.

8. Don’t hold your leg up.  This is So You Think You Can Dance, not Do You Think You Can Hold Your Leg Up For An Assload Of Time.

I stayed for the day and saw all 114 dancers although it felt like a billion.  I now have my own list.   It’s kind of inside baseball, but what in life isn’t?

List of Most Of The Dancer Types from So You Think You Can Dance Auditions:

1. Mama’s pretty pretty princess, the best ballerina in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas.  This represents 20% of the attendees.  Wearing a sports bra and leggings.   Has long, pretty girl hair.  She will do one million pirouettes and lift her leg up by her head and will get yelled at because all the other pretty princesses have done the same thing.

2. Mama’s pretty pretty princess got a mohawk and earrings and is all edgy and shit.  She will do a ton of pirouettes and lift her leg up in the air.

3.  Mama’s pretty pretty princess (male).  Appears to have a sixteen-pack of abs.  I don’t even know if this possible.

4.  Breakdancer type one:  Learned on the streets.  Looks to have been homeless as recently as this morning.  Amazing dancer.   Doesn’t appear to hear or understand instructions but can pop and lock like a sonofabitch.

5. Breakdancer type two: Learned at boarding school.  May dress like Parappa the Rapper.  May have a rat-tail.  (Rat tail odds doubled if Asian)

6. Ballroom dancers who have spray-tanned their legs to match their shoes, which is awesome.

7. Girl with a big bottom and men’s shoes?  Lindy hopper.

8. Tap dancers, who never get through even though some of them are awesome.  The sound and size of this show are never great for tap.

9. Hot-Ass Male Russian Ballroom Dancer.  (Thank god.)  (Please take your shirt off.)

10. Asian Twerk Twink.  Wears harem pants.

11. Midwestern Sincere Contemporary Dancer (male)- Wears what looks like pajamas and his one black Lucky Spinning Sock, which is black.  He’s the best modern dancer in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas, but he’s not as good as Contemporary Eric.   Why not wear a light colored sock?  You look like a rube, Trent!

12. Elderly street dancer- He’s here to do all of Michael Jackson’s moves!  You can see him tomorrow in front of the Hollywood Boulevard wax museum.

13.  The Only Gay In The Village: A chubby small-town club dancer with a lotta heart and board shorts and a couple of awesome moves.  He is trying not to lip-sync.  My god, he tries.  But that’s not a reasonable ask for a gay club dancer.  He would have to put duct tape over his mouth, or put a Lucky Spinning Sock in it.

Good luck to these and all the dancers that auditioned, I look forward in seeing you on the show in a paint-covered t-shirt or a Victorian zombie outfit!

April 2- With free tequila!

March 21st, 2014

Doing a great all-lady line up with one of my favorite gals, Lizzy Pilcher!  And free tequila, evidently?

Birthday Portrait!

March 3rd, 2014

by Pete Ellison

An amazing birthday portrait of myself as Bloodmeadow by Monsieur Pete Ellison, the very talented wunderkind at www.heyitspete.com!  And when’s the last time you watched an episode of GOTHIXXX?  Probably too long!

 

Postscript: Here it is printed and framed in a lovely frame  I stole from an Oscars party- You can get your own print of Bloodmeadow enjoying a Slurpee and haunted by ghosts here!

 

Supporting Tommy Johnagin at Helium!

February 27th, 2014

I’m so excited to be visiting Portland to support the hilarious Tommy Johnagin at Helium Comedy Club March 6,7,8!  I won’t be at Bridgetown this year, so this is your only chance to see visiting Portlander Virginia Jones until next year- Buy tickets here!