Punchline Punchout!

April 27th, 2015

Fantastically funny ladies Amber Preston and Andy Erikson asked me to compete for BLOOD in their comedy show this week- I bested my very funny friend Sean Jordan in the category of Topical Jokes, which will never be useful again.  I submit them here in a last ditch attempt to make my mother proud.

Roseanne Barr revealed she is losing her eyesight, so her next husband might be worse-looking than Tom Arnold.  Basic dudes are lining up at her house as we speak.

The first “smart” baby onesie has been invented, and it detects periods of baby sleep and wakefulness and also the percentage of weight that is made of poop.

Abercrombie and Fitch is eliminating its shirtless models, and are thereby losing the last segment of the population that gave a shit about Abercrombie and Fitch, which is gay men who want to shop at a store that sounds like it’s run by Ebenezer Scrooge’s best friends.

Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault, bringing the number to 39, which is 9 more than most americans have had consensual sex with.

Cadbury chocolate has released a new candy bar with seven different fillings, including fruit, caramel, nuts, and insulin.

I don’t know why anyone is surprised that teenagers are bruising their faces trying to suck their lips into Snapple bottles.  They’re idiots, and at least this takes a few minutes away from sending each other pictures of their genitals on snapchat.

There are questions about the timing of Bruce Jenner’s gender transition, but if you think about it, it’s perfect.  he’s well into retirement age and will no longer have to deal with wage inequity.

43 dinosaur eggs have been discovered in a construction site in Guandong, China, but the eggs have still not been buried long enough for Chinese people to eat.

Iceman from the X-men has been revealed to be gay, and all the other X-men just really like the feel of snugly tailored leather suits.

Apple’s new Apple Watch has been released and is changing lives, as everyone stops staring slackjawed at their phone and starts staring slackjawed at their wrist watches.

Unfortunately, There are now only 5 white rhinos left on earth, and only one of them is male.  In good news, that male rhino’s Tinder is blowing up.

The country of Greece, after years of economic instability, has determined it will default on its loans from the EU, using the same method of debt resolution as your drunk dad who doesn’t answer the phone anymore.

Today, 2000 people gathered in DC to protest gay marriage. they should just establish a tiny city in Montana called No Fagistan and be done with it.  Nobody gives a shit about them .

Swedish scientists report that the genome for the wooly mammoth has been mapped, leading to conversations about whether we should clone one, except for in a post- global warming environment, where the fuck would he live?  We can’t even keep our rhinos alive, you guys.

A new poll of  Millenials shows that they either want Jared Leto’s joker to die in a fire or that picture of a baby alligator in a raincoat will change their lives forever.

First post for LOVE TV

April 21st, 2015

Well, the nice people at LoveTV are letting me write articles for them about love, sex, and dating, and then they did me the favor of decorating my article with stock photos, here of good-looking Asian models.  It’s called How To Date Today: A Guide For Every Generation.

LESPORTSAC TOKIDOKI BAMBINO 9506 IN TAN PLAYGROUND!

April 20th, 2015

Remember that bag you wanted so bad in 2007 you could almost taste it?  The bag that sailed a thousand Fauxkidokis?  The concept that Gwen Stefani stole for LAMB?  The bag that was barely big enough for your phone, keys, and lipgloss?  The bag that made every gothic lolita and boba tea employee stop dead in their tracks and stare at you, salivating and weaving on their feet?   I’m selling mine.  The rainbow zips.  The orange liner.  The Quee toy.  The flower zipper drops.  Everything.  Everything it ever was and ever will be.  Everything that sets you apart from the other assholes.  The smell of printed nylon.  The colors, bright in the sun.  Vampire candy.  Tattooed Asian lady.  A French bag with an Italian print based on Japanese culture.  It’s here.

 

http://www.ebay.com/itm/201334639345?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649

TOOONIIIIGHT

April 20th, 2015

WEDNESDAY

March 30th, 2015

WHERE AM I?

March 27th, 2015

On Sunday, I’m doing a coffeeshop show on LaBrea!

On Monday, I’m doing a special tap performance as part of the Big and Tall show at the Lash!

Wednesday I’m at the Cork with Adrienne Airhart!

Thursday I’m hosting free trivia at the R Bar!

Friday I appear as a vampire Paris Hilton at the Next Stage Theatre at 9:30!

Sunday I’m reading stories at Stories bookstore with host Dan Collins!

I’M IN A GODDAMNED VAMPIRE PLAY

March 24th, 2015

Well, if you’ve ever wanted to know what someone looked like who was SELF ACTUALIZED, I’m in a play about vampires where I’m a vampire Paris Hilton.  I’ll be in the 8PM show every Friday until May 15!

BIG AND TALL

March 11th, 2015

I Have A Dark Footish

March 7th, 2015

My friend Simon Max Hill is a hard-working casting agent who has been casting Portlandia, Nike spots, and other important television from his seat in Portland,OR.  He’s also an enthusiast of dancing, robots, and being a super weird generator of ideas at all times.  On Tuesday, he announced that it was my responsibility to make a sock puppet music video, and by Thursday I had it up.

  Here’s Dark Footish covering the Smiths.  And to the nice lady who said “Oh, this is great, I hope there’s more!”- it currently has 22 views.  I am the gothic Naomi Campbell of Youtube, I don’t get out of my coffin for fewer than 100 views.

Slowish Lorish

March 4th, 2015

You guys this is a slow loris and I know he’s super cute but he’s also got a venomous sac near his elbow. Super duper don’t touch that elbow, you guys. If he says stuff like “no I’m a regular speed loris you can fully touch my elbow” don’t believe him because he nearly killed Lady Gaga that way. If he keeps pushing you to touch it I would get kind of suspicious, like what’s up, slow loris? Are you trying to kill me? Didn’t I hear that you’re one of the only venomous mammals? And he’s all no that’s just what haters say, touch my elbow.