First post for LOVE TV

April 21st, 2015

Well, the nice people at LoveTV are letting me write articles for them about love, sex, and dating, and then they did me the favor of decorating my article with stock photos, here of good-looking Asian models.  It’s called How To Date Today: A Guide For Every Generation.

LESPORTSAC TOKIDOKI BAMBINO 9506 IN TAN PLAYGROUND!

April 20th, 2015

Remember that bag you wanted so bad in 2007 you could almost taste it?  The bag that sailed a thousand Fauxkidokis?  The concept that Gwen Stefani stole for LAMB?  The bag that was barely big enough for your phone, keys, and lipgloss?  The bag that made every gothic lolita and boba tea employee stop dead in their tracks and stare at you, salivating and weaving on their feet?   I’m selling mine.  The rainbow zips.  The orange liner.  The Quee toy.  The flower zipper drops.  Everything.  Everything it ever was and ever will be.  Everything that sets you apart from the other assholes.  The smell of printed nylon.  The colors, bright in the sun.  Vampire candy.  Tattooed Asian lady.  A French bag with an Italian print based on Japanese culture.  It’s here.

 

http://www.ebay.com/itm/201334639345?ssPageName=STRK:MESELX:IT&_trksid=p3984.m1555.l2649

TOOONIIIIGHT

April 20th, 2015

WEDNESDAY

March 30th, 2015

WHERE AM I?

March 27th, 2015

On Sunday, I’m doing a coffeeshop show on LaBrea!

On Monday, I’m doing a special tap performance as part of the Big and Tall show at the Lash!

Wednesday I’m at the Cork with Adrienne Airhart!

Thursday I’m hosting free trivia at the R Bar!

Friday I appear as a vampire Paris Hilton at the Next Stage Theatre at 9:30!

Sunday I’m reading stories at Stories bookstore with host Dan Collins!

I’M IN A GODDAMNED VAMPIRE PLAY

March 24th, 2015

Well, if you’ve ever wanted to know what someone looked like who was SELF ACTUALIZED, I’m in a play about vampires where I’m a vampire Paris Hilton.  I’ll be in the 8PM show every Friday until May 15!

BIG AND TALL

March 11th, 2015

I Have A Dark Footish

March 7th, 2015

My friend Simon Max Hill is a hard-working casting agent who has been casting Portlandia, Nike spots, and other important television from his seat in Portland,OR.  He’s also an enthusiast of dancing, robots, and being a super weird generator of ideas at all times.  On Tuesday, he announced that it was my responsibility to make a sock puppet music video, and by Thursday I had it up.

  Here’s Dark Footish covering the Smiths.  And to the nice lady who said “Oh, this is great, I hope there’s more!”- it currently has 22 views.  I am the gothic Naomi Campbell of Youtube, I don’t get out of my coffin for fewer than 100 views.

Slowish Lorish

March 4th, 2015

You guys this is a slow loris and I know he’s super cute but he’s also got a venomous sac near his elbow. Super duper don’t touch that elbow, you guys. If he says stuff like “no I’m a regular speed loris you can fully touch my elbow” don’t believe him because he nearly killed Lady Gaga that way. If he keeps pushing you to touch it I would get kind of suspicious, like what’s up, slow loris? Are you trying to kill me? Didn’t I hear that you’re one of the only venomous mammals? And he’s all no that’s just what haters say, touch my elbow.

I’m So Plastic

March 4th, 2015

(my friend Sal wrote a blog post about figurines and he reckons this one is me.  Here’s the whole post, if you must)

One of my favorite Facebook friends is a comedienne named Virginia Jones. When I saw this figure it reminded me of her. I recently heard her on an Internet radio program. She’s so funny! This figure was new, in-package, for only $4.99! Now I need the whole set!