Andy Wood Vs. Virginia Jones: On How To Write A Morrissey Song

July 20th, 2014

My very smart and talented friend Andy Wood made this keen observation on the songs of Morrissey and the Smiths- but that’s not the end of the story.

There’s also starting with the chorus, singing exclusively about stuff you hate, and lots of grace notes!  So there!

GLENDALIA 5!

July 15th, 2014

  So proud to bring you the 5th GLENDALIA, at the new and improved time of 8PM!  That’s right, you don’t have to stay out with the heroin junkies and club kids and fun people!    This month’s lineup is astounding:

Matt Braunger – Has a new album out: Shovel Fighter!, Mad TV

Tony Camin- Conan, Just for Laughs, The Marijuanalogues

Ron Babcock- Why Would You Eat That, Last Comic Standing, House Party with Adam Levine

Marcella Arguello- SF Sketchfest, opened for Al Madrigal and Hannibal Burress

Ricky Carmona- Tosh.0, Just for Laughs

Scout Durwood- Edinburgh, The Moth, Howard Stern

Baby Ketten Los Angeles!

July 7th, 2014

Dear Los Angelans:

I’m very excited to share with you some important mews.  The legendary Baby Ketten Karaoke, with the baddest book in the universe, (where “bad” means “good” and “universe” means “Continental United States”) is opening a local satellite that will run first and third Sundays at the Ace Hotel in LA, starting Sunday, Aug 3rd!  RSVP here!

It’s slated to be rooftop karaoke, with plenty of space for dancing and singing and hot tubbing and shenanigans, run by the Ketten’s close friend Meggie Nicole!  If we have ever stood next to each other for any amount of time you have heard me run my mouth about Portland’s Baby Ketten, which is the best karaoke ever.  The book is not just expansive but obsessive, with many many many original Ketten-only tracks, and constantly updated with today’s weirdest hits!  Here’s the New York Times article on the Ketten phenom: here!

Have you ever wanted to sing Siouxsie Sioux’s apocalyptic lullaby, Metal Postcard? Probably not, but I did, and I sang it at Baby Ketten!  Bauhaus’ Kick in the Eye? Think you can keep an audience through Pulp’s bump and grind classic, This is Hardcore? Find out! Do you think singing Laid by James will get a singalong going? Can you handle Tori Amos’ Crucify? Do you think you can step to The Strangler’s Peaches?

Here is a partial listing of my favorite Baby Ketten Karaoke tracks to give you a taste.    Go to their website here or install the app to look for your favorite songs!  YES OF COURSE THEY HAVE AN APP!

 

Mark Ronson- Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This one Before

Suicidal Tendencies- Institutionalized

Nine Inch Nails- Something I Can Never Have

Hoodoo Gurus- Like Wow, Wipeout

Tori Amos- Smells Like Teen Spirit

The Smiths- The Queen Is Dead

The Horrors- Still Life

She & Him- Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?

The Cure- Why Can’t I Be You?

The Cure- The Walk

LCD Soundsystem- Daft Punk Is Playing At My House

Radiohead- Lucky

The Normal- Warm Leatherette

The Dead Milkmen- Instant Club Hit

Rufus Wainwright- Vibrate

Nina Simone- I Need A Little Sugar In My Bowl

Desire- Under Your Spell

Belle And Sebastian- Lord Antony

Siouxsie and the Banshees-Metal Postcard

Echo and the Bunnymen-Killing Moon

XTC-Senses Working Overtime

Japan-Quiet Life

Replacements-Alex Chilton

Nick Cave-Red Right Hand

Proclaimers-Sunshine on Leith

Beats International-Dub Be Good To Me

Belle and Sebastian-Funny Little Frog

Joy Division-Atmosphere

Nine Inch Nails-Something I Can Never Have

Pixies- No. 13 Baby

Beautiful South-Rotterdam

Pulp- This is Hardcore

Psychic TV- Godhead

Warpaint- Undertow

AND SO MUCH MOAR!

I love the Ketten so much I have talked about them in my blog before, here and here!

 

 

The Cold Hand of Justice

June 24th, 2014

My talented friend Chuck Watkins made a record that is a parody 80′s cop film soundtrack, there are some great comics on it, and also me!  He’s premiering it at The Good Luck Bar on August 26th, and we’re gonna sing some tracks live!

This Week.

June 24th, 2014


Ok well- Tonight at 9 I am in the Eagle Rock Comedy Festival, which is the finest comedy festival in the world that runs from Tuesday to Thursday, my set is in the 5 Line Tavern at 2136 Colorado Blvd.

Wednesday at 9 I am hosting the Lush Hour show at the Melody Lounge in Chinatown with my partner Lizzy. Together we are GOTHIXXX, two gothgirls who are best friends.

Thursday at 7:30 I am on the Driveway of Laughs show at Rafa’s in Echo Park, which is essentially a basement full of pot smoke hosted by Scott Luhrs.

I am on a show on Saturday at 11:30 PM at the M.I. Westside Theatre in Santa Monica called Twelve Shiny Nickels.

My own show, GLENDALIA, returns to COMPLEX in Glendale on Tuesday, July 1st at 10:30. It’s free and the lineup is wonderful, including Emily Heller, Guy Branum, Robert Yasumura, Mike Burns, Tess Barker, and J.J. Whitehead!

That’s everything. Forgive me.

Friday The 13- The Next Day

June 24th, 2014

I made a thirty second film at comedy camp! It’s ridiculous!

GOTHIXXX LIVE

June 23rd, 2014

GLENDALIA July 1!

June 22nd, 2014

 

Photo credit Jonathan Saunders

Emily Heller- Conan, @midnight, Variety’s Top 10 Comics To Watch, and a wonderful person

Guy Branum- contributor on  Chelsea Lately, writer at Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell

J.J. Whitehead-  Has performed 7 shows at the Edinburgh Fringe, has performed in festivals International Comedy in Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, UK, Holland, and Canada!

Mike Burns- twitter sensation @dadboner, author of “Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style.

Robert Yasumura- Jimmy Dore show writer and contributor, podcast compulsive, former host of the world’s best open mike, the Open Mike of Love at Brewco.

Tess Barker- Comedy Store, Improv, and Comedy Central Stage. ‘Lady to Lady’ podcast!

As always, we are at Complex at 806 E. Colorado at 10:30, with two lottery spots open for visiting comics!  Visit the event page here!

 

 

 

Crystal Lakehouse

June 13th, 2014

What if the lady from the Lakehouse was corresponding with a kid from Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th?  This is a Camp Kittenpants exercise written by myself and @ahm76

Dear Mrs. Forster;

 

I just got to camp and found your letter in my mailbox!  Thank you!  I hope your lawn does OK for two weeks without me, ha ha.  Listen,  I don’t know if that rhododendron bush is gonna make it.   I cut it back and tried to save it but it was really dry and crispy.  Man, I’m glad to be back at camp.  I can’t believe it was only last year that the one weird kid drowned.  It feels like forever ago.

  Anyway, I’m super excited.  I got here early ‘cos I wanted to be able to pick my bunk and decorate my lanyard before all my friends got here, Steve and Dennis and Todd and Mikey.  I’m hoping Angela will be here soon too.   I’m a lot bigger this year and I hope Angela will be too.   I guess, the good kind of big.  Not fat.  Like, tits. I have a six pack of ding dongs my mom gave me to share with my friends!  Camp Crystal Lake Cougars forever!

 

  Best wishes,

  Johnny R.

Dear Johnny;

 

I’m so shocked to hear that the camp has had two drownings in two years!   Last week, a child named Jason Vorhees drowned and his mother has been beside herself.  She lives on my street.  She was inconsolable and had to be sedated when she showed up at the police station screaming.  I feel for her.  He was her only child, it’s the worst thing that could happen.  She used to work at the camp, too, I don’t know what she’ll do now.

 

I am happy to finally get to know you better. You’ve been cutting my lawn for a year, and I’ve always wanted to invite you over for some lemonade and private chat. You’re very mature for 15. Very mature. I’m sure Angela will find that you’re big enough.

 P.S. What rhododendron bush are you talking about?  I’ve been thinking of putting one in, actually.  You’re a clever young man.

 And I think we’re good enough friends now that you don’t have to call me Mrs. Forster anymore.  Call me Kate.

 

Regards, Kate

Dear Mrs. Kate;

 

   I’m 16, now, and I’ve been your lawn boy for two years. Remember? You gave me a portrait of yourself in a sequined nightie for my birthday. I don’t know what’s happening exactly with your letter, but the drowning wasn’t last week.   That kid Jason’s been dead since last summer. I’ll never forget it, camp was cancelled and we all got sent home but my parents were in Puerto Vallarta.  My folks don’t let me use the stove by myself, so I had to live on canned butterscotch pudding and pop-tarts for a week, and I still had some Ding-Dongs left over, so I ate those.  When my parents came back they’d brought another woman with them, their new friend Amy.  They didn’t expect me back for a couple more days I guess.  Amy took off with her lipstick smeared.  That was all a  year ago.

This year, things are going smoothly so far, but I’m a little worried because Angela and Mikey took off to the woods to go on a snipe hunt and they’ve been gone kind of a long time.  Like, a while.  They were holding hands, I wish they weren’t. Angela was supposed to be my girl.

 

Your Pal;

 Johnny

Dear Johnny;

 

  That’s strange.  How many kids can be named Jason Vorhees in this town?  I didn’t think we had that many Dutch families. Snipe hunting!  I remember that.  Boys would invite girls to go snipe hunting, but it’s really just an excuse for them to get away from camp and into the dark to make out.  Oh.  I’m sorry, Johnny.

 Anyway.  I don’t know what you mean about your birthday present, but perhaps if you’re good I will do some poses in my nightie.  Do you ever think about kissing girls?  How about women? Has Angela taught you anything about how a woman likes to be treated? Maybe you two can come over after camp and show me what you’ve taught each other.  I have some things to teach you both.

 

Regards, Kate

 

 Dear Kate;

 

OK, camp has gotten really weird.  Angela and Mike turned up dead.  Nobody knows what to do.  The counselors said it was an accident, but I saw the bodies in the nurse’s station! Angela’s tits looked great, but both their heads were cut right off!  How can that be an accident?  There’s nothing in the first aid to address decapitations. I guess you could stick popsicle sticks in their necks and pop the heads back and wrap the whole shit up in Ace bandage?  Jesus.  Sorry, I’m really freaked out.  I want to call my parents to come get me, but they’re in Cabo.  I don’t know the name of the resort.  I guess they do Sandals a lot.  My mother says the mixed drinks are weak but my father says there’s no beating the price or the babes.  Anyway, I’m scared for my life. I’m hiding underneath my bunk.  It smells like spiderwebs and Ding Dongs.  That’s starting to be not that good a smell to me.  I think I can smell piss.  I  think it’s mine.

 

Scared;  Johnny

 

Dear Johnny;

 

     Gosh, I’m sorry to hear about your friends!  I spent today at the lake, actually.   It was a beautiful day. You can really see why it’s called Crystal Lake.  On a day like today, you can see all the way to the bottom.

 

You know, Mrs. Vorhees is getting stranger and stranger.  She came to book club this week, and nobody expected her to after last week, but she showed up, but her dress was torn and she had mud in her hair and she hadn’t read Joy Luck Club.  She ran out crying.

  So…do you ever wake up with an erection?

Regards, Kate

Dear Kate;

 

Please send help.  I think you’re living in the past, I think.  Literally, like.  I think we’re at different times.  My time is pretty bad.  Please send the police to camp today, June 13th, 2014.  All the counselors are dead.  I think they’re dead.  We don’t have phone reception.  There’s no way to get help.  I saw a kid with a machete through his eyeball.  His eyeball!   How is that even possible?  I don’t know what to do.  I’m hiding in a woodpile. I think I hear footsteps.  I’m sure he can hear my heartbeat.  It’s so loud.  I’m sure he can.  Do you understand how to send help?  Ask someone to come to camp in a year. Or you could come, bring guns and knives and kerosene, I don’t know.  I’m doomed.  Dooomed!

 

Johnny.

Dear Johnny,

 

It sounds like you became quite the man at camp this year. If you want, I can come pick you up and you can come over and I’ll show you my bush.  It’s a rhododendron, like you suggested.

 

Thinking of you warmly,

 

Kate

 

Good Luck!

June 10th, 2014