Fantastically funny ladies Amber Preston and Andy Erikson asked me to compete for BLOOD in their comedy show this week- I bested my very funny friend Sean Jordan in the category of Topical Jokes, which will never be useful again. I submit them here in a last ditch attempt to make my mother proud.
Roseanne Barr revealed she is losing her eyesight, so her next husband might be worse-looking than Tom Arnold. Basic dudes are lining up at her house as we speak.
The first “smart” baby onesie has been invented, and it detects periods of baby sleep and wakefulness and also the percentage of weight that is made of poop.
Abercrombie and Fitch is eliminating its shirtless models, and are thereby losing the last segment of the population that gave a shit about Abercrombie and Fitch, which is gay men who want to shop at a store that sounds like it’s run by Ebenezer Scrooge’s best friends.
Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault, bringing the number to 39, which is 9 more than most americans have had consensual sex with.
Cadbury chocolate has released a new candy bar with seven different fillings, including fruit, caramel, nuts, and insulin.
I don’t know why anyone is surprised that teenagers are bruising their faces trying to suck their lips into Snapple bottles. They’re idiots, and at least this takes a few minutes away from sending each other pictures of their genitals on snapchat.
There are questions about the timing of Bruce Jenner’s gender transition, but if you think about it, it’s perfect. he’s well into retirement age and will no longer have to deal with wage inequity.
43 dinosaur eggs have been discovered in a construction site in Guandong, China, but the eggs have still not been buried long enough for Chinese people to eat.
Iceman from the X-men has been revealed to be gay, and all the other X-men just really like the feel of snugly tailored leather suits.
Apple’s new Apple Watch has been released and is changing lives, as everyone stops staring slackjawed at their phone and starts staring slackjawed at their wrist watches.
Unfortunately, There are now only 5 white rhinos left on earth, and only one of them is male. In good news, that male rhino’s Tinder is blowing up.
The country of Greece, after years of economic instability, has determined it will default on its loans from the EU, using the same method of debt resolution as your drunk dad who doesn’t answer the phone anymore.
Today, 2000 people gathered in DC to protest gay marriage. they should just establish a tiny city in Montana called No Fagistan and be done with it. Nobody gives a shit about them .
Swedish scientists report that the genome for the wooly mammoth has been mapped, leading to conversations about whether we should clone one, except for in a post- global warming environment, where the fuck would he live? We can’t even keep our rhinos alive, you guys.
A new poll of Millenials shows that they either want Jared Leto’s joker to die in a fire or that picture of a baby alligator in a raincoat will change their lives forever.