I’M IN A GODDAMNED VAMPIRE PLAY

March 24th, 2015

Well, if you’ve ever wanted to know what someone looked like who was SELF ACTUALIZED, I’m in a play about vampires where I’m a vampire Paris Hilton.  I’ll be in the 9:30 show starting this Friday, March 17, and switching to the 8PM show on April 17!

BIG AND TALL

March 11th, 2015

I Have A Dark Footish

March 7th, 2015

My friend Simon Max Hill is a hard-working casting agent who has been casting Portlandia, Nike spots, and other important television from his seat in Portland,OR.  He’s also an enthusiast of dancing, robots, and being a super weird generator of ideas at all times.  On Tuesday, he announced that it was my responsibility to make a sock puppet music video, and by Thursday I had it up.

  Here’s Dark Footish covering the Smiths.  And to the nice lady who said “Oh, this is great, I hope there’s more!”- it currently has 22 views.  I am the gothic Naomi Campbell of Youtube, I don’t get out of my coffin for fewer than 100 views.

Slowish Lorish

March 4th, 2015

You guys this is a slow loris and I know he’s super cute but he’s also got a venomous sac near his elbow. Super duper don’t touch that elbow, you guys. If he says stuff like “no I’m a regular speed loris you can fully touch my elbow” don’t believe him because he nearly killed Lady Gaga that way. If he keeps pushing you to touch it I would get kind of suspicious, like what’s up, slow loris? Are you trying to kill me? Didn’t I hear that you’re one of the only venomous mammals? And he’s all no that’s just what haters say, touch my elbow.

I’m So Plastic

March 4th, 2015

(my friend Sal wrote a blog post about figurines and he reckons this one is me.  Here’s the whole post, if you must)

One of my favorite Facebook friends is a comedienne named Virginia Jones. When I saw this figure it reminded me of her. I recently heard her on an Internet radio program. She’s so funny! This figure was new, in-package, for only $4.99! Now I need the whole set!

The Death of Glendalia

February 23rd, 2015

 

 

Unfortunately, we’ve had to cancel Glendalia.  I had a ton of fun for a year and appreciate Complex giving me a shot, but all comics can stop sending their avails :)

On our way out, a DJ posted our flyer on Instagram making fun of what he thought was another goth band.

Many Extremely Wonderful Opportunities For Actresses- LA Casting

February 23rd, 2015

After a year of looking at LAcasting.com, it is clear that if casting calls reflected the real population, women would be half fun-loving moms and half dead prostitutes.

There’s only two kinds of prostitutes in breakdowns: dead ones and ones who are about to be dead.  It’s nice that this one is open to all ethnicities.  Do prostitutes die so often because their job makes them morally corrupt, or because they are cheaply built and more like jellyfish than regular people?

From LA Casting- It’s just like acting except it’s for a fetish club, so you’ll have your tits out!

Opportunity to act like a dead hooker for free!

I guess if I had big eyelids, someone would have mentioned it by now?

NOT SLEAZY YOU JUST NEED TO BE TOPLESS AND SIMULATING SEX ON CAMERA LOOK WE SAID IT ISN’T SLEAZY AND IT’S NOT

It’s for the Internet, there’s no pay, and I’m a street hooker in Noho who CONTINUES TO BE ALIVE? PINCH ME I’M DREAMING

Wait, this unpaid actress pretending to be a prostitute also gets to smack people around with dildoes?  EQUALITY IS NIGH!

New favorite casting request!  He killed them SO BADLY!

I’ll keep sharing my favorite casting opportunities here!

Oscar Prep Tips!

February 22nd, 2015

Well, time to start getting ready for the Oscar party!

First step: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.

Step two: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond head drill

Step three: Get that pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until can wear a size 6.

Step four: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube

Step 5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem

Step 6: Have whole body airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M

Step 7: Have hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with Bowie wig

Step 8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile

Step 9: Bring makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have a lady glue animal fur to eyelashes.

Step 10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage

Step 11: Get fancy art manicure. Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”

Step 12: Get sewn into gown, adding special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight

Step 13: PERFECT! Now to be strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!

Step 14: At the event, see all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!

FITNESSISE!

February 6th, 2015

Rum, Sodomy, and the LASH

February 6th, 2015

This is my first BIG & TALL as producer, and I’m bringing some old and new friends to share with the LASH in beautiful DTLA!

Robert Buscemi: His management demanded he get top billing on this show! My GOD but he’s funny and handsome!
Richard Bain: NEW FACES at Just For Laughs and THE FUNNIEST PERSON I KNOW
Tyler Fischer: America’s Got Talent and Totally Biased!
Andy Sell: People We Know podcast, very funny gentleman and 5 time winner of Denver’s Mutton Buster Championship!
Alan Moore: A very funny man whom it is impossible to Google through no fault of his own!

Admission: FREE!

The Lash is easily accessible via public transit or car, and metered parking by the bar is free after 8:00