GLENDALIA 12

February 23rd, 2015

GET LUCKY WITH GLENDALIA! We are extremely Irish and we have the hilarious:

Matt Knudsen- Conan, The Late Late Show and Last Call
Baron Vaughn- Conan, Jimmy Fallon, Maltin on Movies
Emily Maya Mills- Parks and Recreation, Ellen, Conan, Childrens’ Hospital, Key and Peele, Harry’s Law, Comedy Bang Bang
Laura House- Premium Blend, Austin Stories, Louis CK’s favorite lady comic
Caitlin Gill-SF Punchline, Purple Onion
Jenny Zigrino- Riot LA, IFC
Lizzy Pilcher-Oxygen Network, GOTHIXXX, the world’s premier gothic vlog!

and your lovely hosts, Dax Jordan and Virginia Jones!

21+
No Cover!

Two lottery spots for visiting comics!

We’re the best comedy show in a goth bar in Glendale! Come and see!

Many Extremely Wonderful Opportunities For Actresses- LA Casting

February 23rd, 2015

After a year of looking at LAcasting.com, it is clear that if casting calls reflected the real population, women would be half fun-loving moms and half dead prostitutes.

There’s only two kinds of prostitutes in breakdowns: dead ones and ones who are about to be dead.  It’s nice that this one is open to all ethnicities.  Do prostitutes die so often because their job makes them morally corrupt, or because they are cheaply built and more like jellyfish than regular people?

From LA Casting- It’s just like acting except it’s for a fetish club, so you’ll have your tits out!

Opportunity to act like a dead hooker for free!

I guess if I had big eyelids, someone would have mentioned it by now?

NOT SLEAZY YOU JUST NEED TO BE TOPLESS AND SIMULATING SEX ON CAMERA LOOK WE SAID IT ISN’T SLEAZY AND IT’S NOT

New favorite casting request!  He killed them SO BADLY!

I’ll keep sharing my favorite casting opportunities here!

Oscar Prep Tips!

February 22nd, 2015

Well, time to start getting ready for the Oscar party!

First step: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.

Step two: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond head drill

Step three: Get that pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until can wear a size 6.

Step four: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube

Step 5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem

Step 6: Have whole body airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M

Step 7: Have hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with Bowie wig

Step 8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile

Step 9: Bring makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have a lady glue animal fur to eyelashes.

Step 10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage

Step 11: Get fancy art manicure. Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”

Step 12: Get sewn into gown, adding special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight

Step 13: PERFECT! Now to be strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!

Step 14: At the event, see all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!

FITNESSISE!

February 6th, 2015

Rum, Sodomy, and the LASH

February 6th, 2015

This is my first BIG & TALL as producer, and I’m bringing some old and new friends to share with the LASH in beautiful DTLA!

Robert Buscemi: His management demanded he get top billing on this show! My GOD but he’s funny and handsome!
Richard Bain: NEW FACES at Just For Laughs and THE FUNNIEST PERSON I KNOW
Tyler Fischer: America’s Got Talent and Totally Biased!
Andy Sell: People We Know podcast, very funny gentleman and 5 time winner of Denver’s Mutton Buster Championship!
Alan Moore: A very funny man whom it is impossible to Google through no fault of his own!

Admission: FREE!

The Lash is easily accessible via public transit or car, and metered parking by the bar is free after 8:00

MOAR COMEDIES

February 4th, 2015

Color-Correcting Makeup Tips

January 31st, 2015

In order to hide:
Redness- green
Sallowness- purple
Dark undereye circles- coral
Insecurity- gold
Secret crush- orange
Drug addiction- grey
Sadness- glitter

Seriously.  Nobody will think you’re sad if you have glitter all over your face.

GLENDALIA LOVES YOU!

January 27th, 2015

GLENDALIA LOVES YOU! Come be our Valentine, along with:

Chuck Sklar- As seen on Conan O’ Brien and Chris Rock!
Jon Huck- Live at Gotham, Comedy Central
Andy Peters- EXCLAMATION MARK album, winner of Rocky Mountain Laugh Off
Alysia Wood- Winner- America’s Next Funniest, LCS!
Kyle Shire- Flappers’ regular, number one in your hearts
Adam Gropman- SF Punchline, The Comedy Store, Improv
Cat Rhinehart-LAUGHS TV, overall hilarious lady

and your lovely hosts, Dax Jordan and Virginia Jones!

21+
No Cover!

Two lottery spots for visiting comics!

We’re excited to bring you another free night of LA’s finest comedians in a goth bar in Glendale- here’s the Facebook invite page!

Thank you!

January 26th, 2015

In which I thank all of my Youtube subscribers and make notes about who subscribes to me.

TOMORROW is TODAY! Well, it’s Saturday

January 13th, 2015

I’m very excited to share the stage with wonderful madman host Ron Lynch.  It’s going to be lots of fun.