Watch Bloodmeadow chat with a buddhist rapper and a goth comedian live at 8PM here: skidrowstudios
Watch Bloodmeadow chat with a buddhist rapper and a goth comedian live at 8PM here: skidrowstudios
OK, I’m a big fan of the show So You Think You Can Dance. I felt lucky to attend some shows last season, and when I got an email for two shows this week, I jumped on it. I was nervous when I saw that the address was for the Orpheum and not the CBS lot, but when I got there it was clear that it was: Auditions. I didn’t want to go to fucking auditions. I want costumes and choreography and ensemble pieces.
In recent seasons, I haven’t even watched auditions. One in twenty people will be good, one in forty will be amazing, one in ten will be completely delusional. It’s the reality TV shock-jock portion, where people fall and cry and lie and the desperation seeps through and they edit to support the judge’s decisions. However, I had already parked downtown all day for six dollars, so I stayed.
It was kind of cool to be in the Orpheum and to see the familiar carpeting and to see a pile of dance bags and the warm up room. We were seated and introduced to the newest judge, Christina Applegate, who has been a dancer her whole life and who crossed the stage in gold heels so high she needed a handler to come down the steps to the judge’s dais.
Nigel Lythgoe went through a list of don’ts for the dancers. He listed out things the judges were tired of seeing.
1. Don’t extend an arm and reach out pleadingly to the judges, wild-eyed.
2. Don’t jeté , tumble, then leap into the air to jeté again. OVER IT.
3. Don’t look at the floor. (This is also a good tip for comedy!)
4. Don’t wink.
5. Don’t put your finger on your mouth.
6. Don’t blow a kiss.
7. Don’t lip-sync.
8. Don’t hold your leg up. This is So You Think You Can Dance, not Do You Think You Can Hold Your Leg Up For An Assload Of Time.
I stayed for the day and saw all 114 dancers although it felt like a billion. I now have my own list. It’s kind of inside baseball, but what in life isn’t?
List of Most Of The Dancer Types from So You Think You Can Dance Auditions:
1. Mama’s pretty pretty princess, the best ballerina in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas. This represents 20% of the attendees. Wearing a sports bra and leggings. Has long, pretty girl hair. She will do one million pirouettes and lift her leg up by her head and will get yelled at because all the other pretty princesses have done the same thing.
2. Mama’s pretty pretty princess got a mohawk and earrings and is all edgy and shit. She will do a ton of pirouettes and lift her leg up in the air.
3. Mama’s pretty pretty princess (male). Appears to have a sixteen-pack of abs. I don’t even know if this possible.
4. Breakdancer type one: Learned on the streets. Looks to have been homeless as recently as this morning. Amazing dancer. Doesn’t appear to hear or understand instructions but can pop and lock like a sonofabitch.
5. Breakdancer type two: Learned at boarding school. May dress like Parappa the Rapper. May have a rat-tail. (Rat tail odds doubled if Asian)
6. Ballroom dancers who have spray-tanned their legs to match their shoes, which is awesome.
7. Girl with a big bottom and men’s shoes? Lindy hopper.
8. Tap dancers, who never get through even though some of them are awesome. The sound and size of this show are never great for tap.
9. Hot-Ass Male Russian Ballroom Dancer. (Thank god.) (Please take your shirt off.)
10. Asian Twerk Twink. Wears harem pants.
11. Midwestern Sincere Contemporary Dancer (male)- Wears what looks like pajamas and his one black Lucky Spinning Sock, which is black. He’s the best modern dancer in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas, but he’s not as good as Contemporary Eric. Why not wear a light colored sock? You look like a rube, Trent!
12. Elderly street dancer- He’s here to do all of Michael Jackson’s moves! You can see him tomorrow in front of the Hollywood Boulevard wax museum.
13. The Only Gay In The Village: A chubby small-town club dancer with a lotta heart and board shorts and a couple of awesome moves. He is trying not to lip-sync. My god, he tries. But that’s not a reasonable ask for a gay club dancer. He would have to put duct tape over his mouth, or put a Lucky Spinning Sock in it.
Good luck to these and all the dancers that auditioned, I look forward in seeing you on the show in a paint-covered t-shirt or a Victorian zombie outfit!
An amazing birthday portrait of myself as Bloodmeadow by Monsieur Pete Ellison, the very talented wunderkind at www.heyitspete.com! And when’s the last time you watched an episode of GOTHIXXX? Probably too long!
Postscript: Here it is printed and framed in a lovely frame I stole from an Oscars party- You can get your own print of Bloodmeadow enjoying a Slurpee and haunted by ghosts here!
My talented best friend Pete (designer of my website, music impresario, DJ and artist- previously mentioned here, here, and here, and here and here!) has made this adorable t-shirt, suitable for you or your vegan/vegetabletarian friends and family!
It’s available in yellow, green, or blue, and is hand-printed in Pete’s home studio in soft, eco-friendly waterbased inks. I like this tee especially because it doesn’t have the “and you’re a dick” subtext of a lot of veggie tees, it’s just a fun burger that loves you and wants to be eaten, because everyone knows that tofu is a very masochistic food. Click HERE to order!
This first run is limited to 75 pieces! You’ll be wearing the only tofu burger tee in the whole vegan grocery/yoga class/tall bike ride/waterpark/DJ night/transgender dance party/coffee bean tasting/hula hoop class/laundromat dance party/bear bowling event!
Thanks to alert friend Tom Plunket, it has come to my attention that I have been immortalized, in cheap wig form, by the good people at California Costumes. Now, I don’t know when I became a blind pop star, but evidently that’s my overall look. These people owe me royalties and I’m going to sit right here on my couch until I get them.
I wound up at the mall today and stopped into Forever 21, to see how cheap jeans could possibly get, when I saw some t-shirts with a tiger on them. And some dresses. And tanks. And more t-shirts. Then leopards. A cougar. What might have been a lynx. Catfaces.
These twenty catfaces were photographed in the wild at the Los Cerritos Forever 21. None of them were harmed. But they are puzzling to me. It felt like a full 20% of the items for sale had some kind of catface on them.
It was as if every Forever 21 designer had been told that if their product for back-to-school didn’t have catfaces on them, they would be fired, or worse, killed.
TREND REPORT: MANDATORY CATFACE
I can picture a poor designer mussing their trendy haircut and crying, “Look, I didn’t want to make a catface sweater, but I have a family to think of!”
Now, just coming from the Fuck Yeah Fest, a ten year event based in Los Angeles, the only city with so little self-awareness it would name something that, it’s evident that young women’s fashion is pretty homogeneous.
Forever 21, Urban Outfitters, and H&M all throw out several lines a season, and, due to fear and identical fashion blog research, they tend to all look the same. Looking around the festival, you can see that the options are: short jean shorts, floral rompers, circle shirts, crop tops, short dresses with the waist between the waist and the armpit, and maxi dresses. That’s it. Those are the only things available. There wasn’t one pair of low-rise denim shorts. Not one, even though they were ubiquitous a few years ago.
A month ago when I went to So You Think You Can Dance, it was all dresses who were short in the front, and long in the back, schlong dresses that don’t look good on anyone. Also, lace and the color hot salmon. These things are gone now. It might not be because all the girls are scared of wearing last month’s clothes so much as the things they wear deteriorate by their next period.
Anyway, if you find yourself with the back-to-school crowd, they may look like a bit like a National Geographic special.
It’s fucking honest, is what it is. A cheerful, grinning pole dancer is the only female role model America really wants. That’s why Miley Cyrus got on on a pole at 16 at the 2009 Teen Choice Awards, and why she was cheerfully twerking on Robin Thicke’s crotch at the VMA’s in 2013. (And don’t worry, everyone acted like they were outraged in 2009, and her Dad acted embarrassed and said “I don’t know where she learned that” and the answer was, then too, ”from her choreographer that painstakingly created the routine.”) That’s why Britney was on a pole when she was 18 and one second. We might be living through another Republican White House if Sarah Palin had just dropped the soundbites and climbed a pole. These things don’t come from nowhere and marketing doesn’t lie. Don’t pretend you’re shocked. Don’t pretend to be surprised when teen idols play strippers, again and again- Performers do what is asked of them. Feminism has fallen down gone boom and we all need to pick it the fuck up.
For one second, think about whether you, as a person with lady parts, have ever said “It’s fun to go to the strip club an’ get attention from the dancers!”, or said “Those Suicide Girls seem pretty self-actualized, because having tattoos means you’re your own person!” and realize that you might be part of the problem. Being comfortable with your own body and sexuality has gotten confused with being porn-positive and chauvinist-friendly to an uncomfortable degree. Moby tried to bring up how misogynist the Robin Thicke video for Blurred Lines was, and everyone shouted him down like he was an asshole. I’m not talking about suppressing freedom of expression, and I’m not saying you shouldn’t do exactly what pleases you- I’m just saying, if you don’t like the society we’re living in, own your part in creating it.
And girls, you don’t have to let boys grind on you at a club if you don’t want them to. You don’t have to send them nude pictures on your phone. And for chrissakes, don’t laugh at them if they aren’t funny.
Hey! Serious for a second! That was weird, huh.
Besides, the VMA’s are where fake scandals are made. Sacha Baron Cohen putting his balls in Eminem’s face. Kanye cockblocking Taylor Swift. Russell Brand joking about the Jonas Brothers. Diana Ross grabbing lil Kim’s boob. Madonna humping the floor. Courtney Love dissing Madonna. Madonna kissing Britney. Lady Gaga wearing a meat dress. What’s it gonna be next year? More importantly, how long are you rubes gonna keep walking down the midway?
Chip paid for it dearly. Did he die in a temporal loop? Or is it PA Revenge?
* Also see sleep-deprived director Gene Blalock sing “Singin’ in the Rain” with a reflector. This was right before he was wandering from person to person announcing that he liked apples.
I am close to taking my Summer Sabbatical, which is not really what it is, but it makes my Mom feel better when I say “I’m Taking A Sabbatical” instead of “I’m quitting my job and hanging out all Summer”. I thought it was time to get my list of “OTHER” skills together and post them on the Internet.
If you feel like you read a slightly different but kind of the same list as this one, it’s because my site was hacked and my service restored from last week’s restore point and I lost it. It’s because SOMEONE was very jealous of my 70 hits a day. Eat it, haters!
1. Pit Toilets: I’m very good at using pit toilets in Asia. You just have to pretend you’re camping, which you kind of are.
2. Sleeping on Airplanes: Also work related. I can sleep bolt upright on a red eye to Turkey and emerge as fresh and ready as if I had slept in a garbage- filled car.
3. Tap Dancing. I’m not the world’s best tap dancer (SAVION GLOVER, because we can really only have one famous tap dancer at a time), but it’s the skill that took the most time and expense to learn, and which has the lowest street value. I’m considering trying to make people pay me NOT to do it.
4. Bemani. It’s no longer fashionable but I can totally do it- I get more points for style than accuracy on Dance, Dance, Revolution, but Karaoke Revolution is my bitch.
5. For that matter, I can lead in six count swing, and I can lead about five things in Lindy hop- I’m a good Lindy follow- I like a lot of dances.
6. I can make dance parties happen. I can make people do it. At karaoke, at coffeeshops- most of the time.
7. Karaoke. I’m good at it. I don’t have the most amazing American Idol style voice, but I know my range and I will perform the SHIT out of a song. I like to work a crowd. When I do it in Hong Kong they are upset with the dancing and eye contact.
8. Comedy. I do it for money and for free. Mostly for free. Don’t ask me to tell you a joke, I’ll make you laugh, m-f. Just you wait.
9. I can draw- I haven’t for around five-seven years, but I probably still can, right? I’m sure I can. I have an art degree. I can blind contour the shit out of something.
10. According to the Munsell test of Color Acuity, I am a Superior Color Discriminator. I will discriminate the shit out of your color. I need a lab coat and a light box with a true North setting. But I will do it.
11. I can make patterns and sew. Again, I usually don’t. But I can make seriously obscure and fucked up Halloween costumes!
12. Goth Makeup and Fantasy Make up! I want to teach a stage makeup course for comics and actors sometime. I have an airbrush and I’m not scared to use it! I can airbrush a fake tattoo on you!
13. I’m really good at telling long, involved, interconnected stories to people on acid. I can be on acid or not, it doesn’t matter.
14. I can tell a fake art history lecture at the drop of a hat, especially if the hat is from a particularly evocative period
15. I’m really good at making one kind of vegan chocolate chip cookies. Just one kind.
16. I’m really good at maintaining a blog for 8 years that only my mother consistently reads!
17. If I had just bought my first guitar, I would be a crazy natural guitar playing genius- however, I have had my own guitar for a decade, and play it occasionally. I’m mediocre, but proud!
18. I’m really good at steering an oversized Costco shopping cart with my elbows while eating free BBQ nuts.
19. I’m a good trivia team member- I don’t know that much about television or sports, but I’m very good at arbitration to try to determine the likeliest answer. Also, I like to win but I don’t care if I do.
20. I’m really good at running a White Elephant party. I will whip the crowd into a frenzy over Scratch tickets and a rubber garden gnome. Blood will flow!
21. Despite all the above, I’m really good at not going to Burning Man! I haven’t gone every year it’s happened! Consecutively!
With this kind of skill set, I’m gonna destroy this job market!