Since my relocation to glamorous SoCal, it has come to my attention that some of my sassy trousers and dresses had gotten a little tighter than they used to be, so I have re-installed a small chirping robot on my arm called the Bodybugg.  After losing 20 lbs with the Bugg last year, I abandoned it when I started going out on dates.  Something about the psychic magnetism of people’s hands means that whenever anyone touches my arm reassuringly or in a flirty manner, it lands right on my robot.  I move the robot up, it gets touched.  I move the robot down, it gets touched.  Awkward when making out.  People don’t expect to find a robot when they touch a lady, because they don’t live the future and they don’t love ELO the way I do.  It’s always off-putting when a stranger accidentally grabs your robot, so here are the following lies I have told about it:

1. It’s for diabetes

2. It’s a symbiotic parasite that allows me to read minds (half true)

3. It’s for house arrest.

4. My car won’t start without it.

Bodybugg is a shiny black square on an elastic band, and let me tell you, nothing looks better on a person carrying more than their ideal weight than a little tourniquet on their arm to emphasize the fat bulge above and below.  It uses a pedometer, thermometer, and skin conductivity (sweat, bitches) to measure the actual calories I burn every day, so if I want my ass to be smaller, I will know precisely how much to feed it.

  I was born of Irish potato-eating stock that prepares for the ever-looming threat of famine generated by the ruling British class every day of my life, so I have to watch what I put in my face pretty closely.   I think that the real meaning of adulthood is not paying taxes or volunteering to help the aged, but looking at a chart on a computer that lets you know you can’t eat a cookie until you’ve finished doing your sit-ups, or else you’re not going to get to wear the jeans you want on Friday.

All that being said- this is the only weightloss thingy that has consistently worked for me.  It’s hard facts, no flinching allowed- Robot+food logging (UGH what can be duller)+math.  Also, it has kind of a Tamagotchi element- (do you kids remember those?) when I take it off to shower or sit in a hot tub (both pretty bad for the Bodybugg’s electrics) it lets out a little “where are you” chirp, and when it is back on my arm, it sings a little self-congratulatory song of being where it belongs.  That makes me feel like the little robot is happy to live on me.  It may be sucking energy off of me like a vampire.  I can’t be sure.

Please note: don’t wear the Bodybugg to have  sex, or don’t if you’re a girl, because it appears to burn a very depressingly small amount.  Not as little as watching television, but only slightly more than being asleep.

Had sex at 10:15.  Really thought I was going after it more than that.

(Actually I was walking my dog.)

(and we had sex.)

As part of my new on-the-go rock and roll Los Angeles lifestyle, I attended a Smiths/Morrissey convention at the Avalon ballroom in Hollywood last night.  I asked a few friends and acquaintances (read: people whom I had previously regarded as friends) to join me, but they indicated that they were above that kind of shameless display, so in the end I kinda went alone and miserable, which was entirely appropriate.

I really didn’t know what to expect, and I only had about an hour to visit inbetween looking at art, playing Dance, Dance, Revolution in Little Tokyo, and telling jokes at an establishment called the Surly Goat, where they have more Goat Art than any other space I’ve had the privilege to be in.  In my head, I thought it would be a lot more like other record conventions I’ve been to, stacks of related records, bootleg DVD’s lovingly assembled from years of collected live material, t-shirts, and very little eye contact.  I wasn’t sure what kind of collectible recordings would be available for a band with four full-length albums to their name, but what do I know?

  I shan’t bore you with the blow-by-blow of Mozathon, but it essentially consisted of a rocking cover band from Dublin (These Charming Men, not to be confused with my personal favorite Smiths cover project, This Charming Band from SF), a Smiths/ Moz karaoke contest hosted by the specialist outfit New Wave Karaoke, held on an unlit stage in an adjoining room, a room of PETA tables (hooray) and a few t-shirt salesmen and hawkers of various unlicensed Smiths paraphernalia.  In previous years, Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke (the Least Famous Members of the Smiths, not like Johnny Marr) have attended, but that doesn’t seem necessary to fill a room.  The con has separated from the mothership of relevance and continues on its own, with lots of people showing up to hang out with each other.

There were two basic looks: Pompadours and eyeglasses for the boys,and Hispanic Bettie Page for the girls.   I joked with a fellow con attendee, who had traveled from Tuscon to check it out, that if he ever murdered anyone, he should come hide at a Morrissey event, because it was essentially like a real live Being John Malkovich for him.  He did not find this as hilarious as I did, and to be fair, who would?

I approached a nice person in this shirt and asked if I could take a photo, because this Morrissey/Mayhem mash-up was the funniest thing I’d ever seen, and still is, mostly, even after this:

He wears Black Metal on the Outside, because Black Metal is how he feels on the Inside

It’s what Morrissey put out before re-recording live versions of some of his previously well-received jangly Fender Tele and 12-String records to metal versions, including Hatful of Metal and Louder than Anything.  Please follow the link in the pic and buy it from its very funny designer.

My favorite part of all  conventions is how friendly and approachable everyone is.   Everyone is happy to talk, happy to talk about Moz, happy to be there.  And that’s what I most enjoyed.  That and watching a deadpan lesbian sing “First of The Gang To Die.”  Those were my two favorite things.

A postscript on karaoke: I was sorry that I was not available to hang out long enough to tear the roof off the Smiths karaoke contest, because I had already committed to tearing open mike comedy a new asshole, but I was interested to see that Queen is Dead was on the songlist, which I am only familiar with as a Baby Ketten Karaoke jam (with all instruments and vocals by Mr. John Brophy, Esq).   I followed up with a visit to the New Wave Karaoke at (where else) the New Wave Restaurant in Bellflower, and was delighted to learn that they had acquired the selfsame version from a friend of Brophy’s in the O.C.  The rest of the list is quite good, with more Bauhaus and Love and Rockets and Dead Can Dance than I’ve seen elsewhere, as well as nuggets like Dexy’s Geno, The Cramps’ Human Fly, and the goth dancehall classic once only available on the soundtrack for Married to the Mob, Q Lazzarus’  Goodbye, Horses.  In other small world news, evidently the KJ is a friend of my friend My Young’s,  who is from Plano, TX.  It’s my world.  Just to say, I already know everyone worth knowing, which is why I don’t need any friends.

Here’s a nice picture featuring myself, KJ Jay Tando, and the Baby Ketten logo on the Queen is Dead video:

   A beautiful Madonna figure

  While wending my way home from Portland, I stopped into the De Young Museum in San Francisco to see the Gaultier exhibit that originated in Montreal last year.  JPG was a favorite designer of mine through my highschool and college years, and it’s neat to see so many of his couture pieces mounted as an art exhibition.

The show also features artists that JPG has worked with/for/collaborated with, including Herb Ritts, Andy Warhol, Pedro Almodovar, Pierre Cardin,  Madonna, Pierre et Gilles, Luc Besson, and others, both more famous and more obscure-

Creepily animated JPG introduces the exhibit- his face is projected on a white mannequin, and looks amazing!

Jean Paul Gaultier loves Leigh Bowery , and so do I.

Punkity punk punk!

The show also has a very wonderful coffee-table book with some amazing photographs and essays about Gaultier’s influences and collaborators that I recommend highly.

If you distill it all down, Gaultier’s design career has been made of:

1. Mermaids

2. Punks

3. S&M

4. Sailors

5. Dolls

6. Corsets

7. The Madonna

8. Madonna

At the exhibit, I was reminded of the obsessions of the amazingly multitalented illustrator/musician/dollmaker Dame Darcy:

1. Mermaids

2. Sailors

3. Witches

4. Horses

5. Dolls

6. Dark Fairies

7. Saints & Goddesses

8. The Madonna

9. Siamese Twins!

I think this sounds like a collaboration in the making-

At any rate, I heartily recommend them both!

Dear All;

Although the concept of writing down nice things that people have told me is anathema to my whole personality, I need to get a press kit from somewheres!

“I don’t know why she tells jokes at all, when she can dance like that”- Bryan Cook

This is very sweet, and also lets me know that I should start dancing for money, which there are many opportunities to do in my previous home, Portland, OR.  I mentioned this to Rylee Newton and she advised, “It’s not too soon.  Nobody’s gonna say, who’s that teen stripper?”

“Virginia will take any excuse to take her clothes off at a party.” – John Graham.  Not a compliment exactly, but still, it was said.

“You’re very funny!”- Maria Bamford.  An unexpected bit of kindness from a mad genius that I have the utmost respect for.

“You have timing, and that can’t be taught”- Ron Bennington, of the Ron & Fez show

“Formerly known as the queen of Portland Comedy!” -Whitney Streed

“Oh, she’s not a genius.  Did she tell you that?” – My mother

“Virginia doesn’t wear too much makeup- just enough that it looks like a parrot exploded in front of her face!” -Richie Stratton

It’s true, and I feel bad for the parrot.

I’m also pleased to report I have been nominated by Barfly Magazine, an esteemed and revered publication, as Portland’s Funniest Comic for the second year running, despite not living in Portland any longer.

Well, thanks for listening.  It’s almost like having friends!

Photo by Liezl Estipona

Well, we’re all winners, because we all got to tell jokes and hang out at the 5th annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival, which was widely regarded as The Best Yet, but here are some of my random thoughts on the event:

My Shortest Attendance Of A Party, Ever: The promotional shindig for the Riot, LA’s alternative comedy festival- I got there at 1, I gave Pete Holmes a hug and watched Lachlan Patterson pretend to play the harp, the cops busted it at 1:10 and we were bringing our noise disturbance to the street.

Double  win:

Person Who Is The Best Partner For An Extended Interpretive Dance: Jono Zalay

Person Who Is More Handsome Than His Headshot: Jono Zalay

Best Sex Talk: Jon Glaser

Most Multi-Talented: Mary Mack

Most Amazing Dancer Besides Me: Guy Branum.  Way to play to the stereotype, baby.

Least Surprising Winner of a Trivia Contest Who Is Nonetheless Very Fun To Play With: TV Geek Paul Goebel.

Third Person To Get Engaged At or Near Bridgetown, That I Know Of: David Cope

Most Amazing, Most Giving, Most Funny, Most Worshipped: Maria Bamford

Dummy Most Likely To Have Her Badge And ID Stolen By Drunk Sluts At An Afterparty: Me

My Hero, For Getting My Badge Back From Sluts:  Richard Bain

Best Combination Of Funny and Good Hugs: Tim Harmston

Hottest Person With A Fiftieth Birthday: Dwight Slade

Most Incredible Sensual Bird Mime: Kurt Braunholer

Funniest Person I Can’t Believe I Hadn’t Heard Of:  Dave Hill.  Smart, surreal, and very rock-and-roll- seriously, he’s amazing.

Most Talked About In Reverent Tones Of Adoration: James Adomian

Best Impression Of An Effeminate Southern Coin Collector: David Crowe

Show Which Had No Indication Of Being Well-Attended And Great: Hawthorne Lounge Portlandia Show, where we did comedy to the sounds of Guitar Wolf being played next door

Person Who Most Worried Me That He Would Fall Off The Large Thing He Had Climbed Onto, And Mar My Show With His Death: Patrick Keane

The Best Erotic Fiction About Star Trek And Mythology (lifetime award): Mike Drucker

Best Place To Meet Other Comics on a Delta Flight: The SLC-PDX leg from the Mormon-infested west coast hub.  I met one comic I knew and three I didn’t, but whom I identified from their bitching about being asked to host shows.

The Most Disturbing Portrait of Dora The Explorer: Aparna Nancherla

Most Amazing After-Party DJ: April Richardson

Most Likely To Be Mistaken For Each Other: Whitmer Thomas and Christian Ricketts

Least Twinlike Brothers: The Walsh Brothers (FLIPPING HILARIOUS)

Most Adorable: Alex Gavlick

Most Excited Fans: Tim Heidecker

Most People Showing Up For His Show Who Were Sad That He Was Stuck In Yakima, WA: Joe Frice

Most Hilariously Upside-Down Show: The Closing Show at the Bagdad, where Doug Benson, Todd Barry, and Matt Braunger opened so that they could run to other shows

Simply Wonderful: Rory Scovel

Most Discussed Panel: The Humor Code, where scientific mind Myq Kaplan and Superstitious Wunderkind Pete Holmes discussed theories about what makes things funny, and Mary Mack was kept down by the Man who would not supply her with a microphone.  Because The Man is afraid of The Truth!

Person Who I Stalked At The Coffeeshop The Most: Jake Barker

People I Most Wanted To See And Did Not Manage To See (aka The Bridgetown Curse): Janeane Garofalo and Claire Titelman.
Almost Too Fun To Hang Out With:  Janine Brito

Strangest Internet Distinction: Bridgetown Comedy Festival has the odd distinction of becoming Twitter spam: bots are tweeting  “BRIDGETOWN COMEDY FESTIVAL BLOG: THE WRAP-UP” today.

Hardest-Working Behind-The-Scenes (TIE): Volunteer Coordinator Charlene Conley, Logistics Manager Rylee Newton, Hospitality Manager Helen Vank, Transportation Coordinator Amanda Pants, and Organizer and COO Andy Wood.  Thanks everybody!

As the clock ticks down for the fifth annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival, I am so excited I can barely keep from jumping out of my skin, but also keep in mind that I’ve had quite a lot of coffee.

The schedule is a behemoth of amazing possibilities- please start perusing it now, here!  Please also note you can subscribe to the calendar on Google Calendar, a new feature for this year that’s pretty slick!

Anyone who is a fan of me personally will note that my shows are:

• Bossanova Lounge Early Show
  $10.00 – Friday, April 13, 2012, 7:00 pm @ Bossanova Lounge

My first show is Friday the 13th!  Spoooooky!  I’ll be with the very funny Walsh Brothers, my new LA friend Brandon Vaughn, and Seattle professional art weirdo Emmett Montgomery!

Postscript: Everyone had a great set, and I was especially glad to enjoy Dave Child for the first time!    This was a super show, even though Maria Bamford watched my set and made me super nervous!  It’s just because she’s the most giving and wonderful human in the world, and also the funniest.

• Best of SICC
  $20.00 – Saturday, April 14, 2012, 9:00 pm @ Bossanova Main

The Best of the Seattle International Comedy Competition- some legendary PNW heavy hitters, including Auggie Smith, Dax Jordan, and my LA BFF Eddie Pence, and Kyle Harbert, who kicked an amazing amount of ass his first competition.

Postscript: On the down side, at the opening of this show, I performed for 10 people, but it had filled out by the end.  Auggie Smith’s new material on his marriage was hysterical.  Eddie Pence pointed out that what we think are pets are animal slaves.  Patrick Keane climbed set pieces and made me concerned not just that he would die, but that he would waste his time dying for a half-empty house.  Afterwards, I saw the amazing San Francisco and “South” regional showcases, and Richard Bain was attacked by the Fred Meyer bear.

• Portlandia Players
  $10.00 – Sunday, April 15, 2012, 7:00 pm @ Hawthorne Theatre Lounge

Guess what all these comedians have in common!  We’ve all been on Portlandia!  Kristine Levine is a repeat performer, as is Mikey Kampmann, the very funny Alex Gavlick appears as Fred and Carrie’s son, Ian Karmel made waves first season, and Veronica Heath wore underwear on-camera!   A nice picking of PNW talent!

Postscript: This was unexpectedly a PACKED show- one of the really good ideas implemented at Bridgetown this year was doing more theme shows, so that non-comedy nerd people could get a feel for who/what they were seeing- and people like television, so I got to do an AWESOME set PACKED with people!  So good!

I’ll also be attending Baby Ketten Karaoke (LATE) on Thursday night at the Alibi, and Sunday night at Kelly’s Olympian, if you wanna sing with me and you don’t like sleep!  Can’t wait to see you!

Postscript: (Why not) Kettens still hate Alibi, but John Brophy sanged me a song, and on Sunday night’s Ketten at Kelly’s I achieved some life goals:
1. Singing Marc Almond’s disco cover of Jacky, rather than the “classy” Scott Walker version

2. Improvising a routine to another singer’s “All That Jazz” from Chicago

3. Completing the trilogy of Cramps songs on the Baby Ketten book with “Garbageman.”

All in all, a magical weekend of fun!

Andy Wood started the Bridgetown Comedy Festival to lure stand-up comics to Portland, Oregon.
Image: Luke Reznor

As part of their global expedition exploring what makes things funny, professor Peter McGraw and writer Joel Warner are grilling humorists about the science behind scoring laughs. The Humor Code chronicles their adventures, scientific experiments and unintentional comedy along the way. Learn more about McGraw, Warner and their escapades at HumorCode.com.

For a long, long time, the comedy scene in Portland, Oregon, was anemic. No “A-room” comedy clubs, no big comedy bookers, no national buzz.

That changed in 2008 with the launch of the city’s Bridgetown Comedy Festival, which featured 50 comedians and headliner Patton Oswalt. The following year, the festival was considerably bigger, and a year after that, bigger still. Now, it’s considered one of the hottest comedy events in the country, with this year’s festival, running from Apr. 12 to 15, boasting hot acts like Eric Andre, Doug Benson, Maria Bamford, Amy Schumer and Myq Kaplan. (Full disclosure: The Humor Code will be there, too, hosting a presentation on the science of comedy.)

There’s no question Portland is now firmly established on the national comedy map — and the credit goes largely to Andy Wood, an electrical engineer turned comic who helped launch Bridgetown and has served as its producer ever since. But success hasn’t gone to Wood’s head. He’s still plugging away at his stand-up career, and during this year’s festival, you’ll find him trading sets with comedians he’s invited from all over the country.

We wrangled a few minutes out of Wood’s busy pre-festival schedule to grill him about the pros and cons of Bridgetown blowing up, how engineering instructs his joke construction, and why alpha males aren’t funny.

Wired: What were you trying to accomplish by starting the Bridgetown Comedy Festival?

Andy Wood: When we started the festival, I don’t think any of us pictured it growing into what it has become. It was a small-scale idea. As a relative newcomer to stand-up and a lifelong comedy fan, I was frustrated at the lack of attention the comedy scene in the Northwest was getting. Selfishly, I also really wanted to see my favorite comics perform live in my city, and that wasn’t happening much at that time. Matt Braunger, Kimberly Brady and I put our heads together and came up with a list of comics we all liked, and it was surprisingly easy to get them up to Portland to perform.

I don’t think we were trying to accomplish anything beyond throwing a big party of sorts and turning people on to some performers we thought were great.

Wired: How did being a comedian inform how you wanted to run your festival? What had other festivals always done wrong, from your perspective?

Wood: It was a blessing and a curse that I’d not only never performed in a comedy festival before starting Bridgetown, but I’d never even been to one. I just looked at the problem of how to organize a festival from the standpoint of a comedy fan: How would I want this thing to be laid out to make it the most fun to attend, and to maximize the comedy that I could see in a weekend? It’s probably easier to start from square one like that rather than seeing how someone else has tackled the problem and trying to reverse-engineer it.

Some of the things people have told us they like about Bridgetown that separates it from other festivals are the close proximity of all the venues, the affordability of the tickets, the wide range of acts, and the fact that we have a ton of fun activities for the comics to do together outside of the shows they’re performing on. That last part might be the most important factor in the festival’s success. A lot of comics say this is the most fun weekend of their year and that it’s like a giant summer camp for comedians.

Wired: For comics, what are the major differences between performing at a big festival like this and doing regular shows? Are some comedians better at one or the other?

Wood: Comedians who have been to Bridgetown say they have a good time because they’re in the company of their peers, the fans are rabid, and it’s a low-pressure situation. The lack of industry frees people up a bit and lets them do the kind of act they want to do. I think it has a much different feeling from doing a weekend of shows at a comedy club, where half the audience might have been coerced into coming, and the other half is just there for a bachelorette party and is drunk before the show starts.

Most comics I’ve seen at Bridgetown are at their best in a festival environment, but as our event grows and starts to have more of an industry presence, there’s a risk of that changing. I’m not sure how to avoid that, because we want industry there to discover new talent, but we also want all the performers to have a good time and be free in the choices they make onstage.

Wired: Before becoming a comedian, you were an engineer. How does your engineering background inform your work in comedy?

Wood: It definitely informs my work on the festival. The four months leading up to Bridgetown every year taxes both sides of my brain in equal amounts, which is fun for me. Well, maybe “fun” isn’t the right word. I guess it just makes me feel less lazy about the left-brain atrophy that I go through the rest of the year. I was never the best engineer when that was my full-time job, and I’m far from the best comedian, but I’m decent at both, which might be a rarer thing than being really good at either. That comes in handy when we’re trying to solve the hundreds of logistical problems that come up when you run a festival with 240 comedians performing on 12 stages in one weekend.

As a performer, my engineering background makes me approach joke-writing more analytically, and it affects my tastes as a fan of comedy. I can’t tolerate comedy that’s based on a faulty premise, for instance — in fact that’s one of my biggest stand-up pet peeves — and I’m sure that’s because of the engineer in me.

Wired: If folks are coming to your festival to try to spot the next big thing in comedy, what should they be looking for? What comic characteristics do you think indicate a shot at the big time?

Wood: A consistent, well-defined voice is as good an indicator of success as anything else. Audiences respond best when you inspire confidence in them — when they know they’re in good hands and can sit back and trust that you know what you’re doing. Even when someone’s onstage persona is intentionally timid or low status, if the comic does it well, the audience can tell that he’s in control, and they’ll respond. That kind of confidence can make up for a lot of deficiencies, but when you also combine it with strong, original writing, that makes for an unstoppable comic.

Wired: Were you born funny, or did your funniness come from practice and development? Does good comedy have to come from a screwed-up childhood?

Wood: I wasn’t born funny, and I don’t think anybody is. I always had a love for stand-up comedy growing up, and that, combined with a dash of middle-child syndrome, is probably what pushed me into stand-up. I don’t think comedy requires a screwed-up childhood, but you don’t find a ton of great comics who were alpha males and females in their social circles growing up, so it certainly helps to have been an outcast in some fashion in your formative years.

Comedy does come from practice and development, even if you’re not conscious of the fact that you’re developing it. Some people are forced by their circumstances to start doing that at an early age, which obviously gives them a huge advantage later in life if they want to pursue a career in comedy.

Wired: How could the comedy industry do better at finding, fostering and promoting new talent?

Wood: Um, come to the Bridgetown Comedy Festival? Come on. That one’s a lay-up.

I do think that our selection committee does a decent job of reviewing the hundreds of applicants to the festival objectively. We don’t read people’s bios and resumes first; we just watch the tapes. We try not to be influenced by managers, social obligations, etc., and pick the lineup based on whether the performances make us laugh.

As somewhat of an outsider to the comedy industry in general, I can’t speak to how networks and other festivals make their talent decisions, but I sometimes get the feeling that performers are championed not because any decision maker was blown away by them, but because they thought they knew how to sell them. That seems backwards to me. Why not get behind people who actually inspire you?

Look at the full article here!

To read more of this interview with Andy Wood, and learn more about McGraw, Warner and their escapades, visit HumorCode.com.

8. It could be worse!

Of course it could.  It’s just that it’s pretty bad as-is.

7. You’re a vegan? How do you keep your weight on?
I’m lucky and I love tater tots?  P.S. Thanks for hurting my feelings!

6. Are you from Virginia?

Are you from Dwayne?

5. How do you spell your first and last name?

Virginia Jones?  Are you shitting me?  One’s a state, and one’s an addiction!

4. You don’t eat meat? Did you ever try it?

I’ll have to, one of these days.

3. Why do you always find your keys the last place you look?

Because then someone hits you over the head with a mallet?

2. Well, at least that’s over!

It’s never over.

1. You could just pick the meat off of it!

This is the hands-down stupidest thing, that has been said to me the most times!  Congratulations!

Dear Everybody;

I am writing to tell you all about Labyrinth, the film in which a great many Muppets talk directly to David Bowie’s crotch. It is showing this weekend at the Egyptian in Los Angeles, as a double feature with Dark Crystal.  Holy Hoggle! What an Easter Treat!

Here are some questions that you might enjoy looking at the answers to.

Q. Where have I heard that whole “You remind me of a man. What man? The man with the power” business before?

A. You haven’t, but it was an old vaudeville bit Cary Grant, Shirley Temple, and Myrna Loy enjoyed in the film “The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer”.

Q. Do you know the scene with the cleaners, where Hoggle’s voice changes for no reason and sounds exactly like Harrison Ford? Do you think that George Lucas allowed them to sample the line from Star Wars?

A. Yes. I think so. I have no proof of this.

Q. Who made the stupid baby-gurgle noises in the same “Magic Dance” song?

A. Dame David Bowie had to, because the baby they brought him was of the non-gurgling type.

Q. I notice that the baby’s name is Toby, and that the actor’s name is Toby. Is this a coincidence?

A. No- the baby was supposed to be named Freddie, but the actor-baby would only respond to his own name, which is only part of why babies make such terrible actors.

Q. Are you obsessed with the Magic Dance song?

A. Yes.

Q. Did you realize that Sarah invented cosplay at the beginning of this film?

A. No, I sure didn’t! Thanks for pointing that out!

Q. If you buy the Jareth The Goblin King figurine, how do you prevent him from losing his crystal juggle-ball?

A. I had to glue mine on.

Q. What does the little elf-person who turns Sarah’s marked tile over say?

A. “Your mother is a freaking aardvark!”

Q. Did you know that the glass-ball juggler in the film is the inventor of what is now called “contact juggling”, Michael Moshen, who started juggling clear acrylic balls that he borrowed from his friend, fellow juggler Penn Jilette?

A. No, I didn’t know that.

Q. I didn’t think you did.

Q. Is Labyrinth still the best movie featuring David Bowie and Henson’s Creatures?

A. You bet your glittery, felt-covered muppet ass! Get out and see it!

Portland’s biggest comedy fest is next week! Preview top acts!

Anne Adams

Can you believe Bridgetown Comedy Festival is turning five?
In some ways, it seems too soon; on the other hand, the four-day, 200-act laughathon has become so essential to springtime in Portland that the Pre-Humorous Period seems practically Jurassic. Who among us can even remember what the Hawthorne district was like before it rang with hearty guffaws?

The Founder’s Favorites

Festival co-founder Andy Wood is a recent PDX-pat now living and working in the LA comedy scene. He has a refined comedy palate that savors the absurd and the sardonic, and though he’s excited about all 200 guests, here are his can’t-miss picks.

Janeane Garofalo
“Such a comedy legend,” says Wood of the well-known actress, comedian, and liberal talk radio maven who taped her last standup special, If You Will, at Seattle’s Moore Theater. We’ve no doubt the tatted-out bespectacled feminist will find Portland similarly welcoming.

Tim Heidecker
You know The Tim & Eric Awesome Show? Well, this guy is that Tim, which makes him partially responsible for a seemingly endless barrage of blue lampoons and low-budget visual absurdity. Let’s see what he does live onstage.

Jon Glaser
You probably won’t recognize Jon Glaser from Adult Swim Network’s misanthropic and multi-layered comedy Delocated, even though he’s the star. Playing a character under witness protection, Glaser sports a black ski mask and speaks through a voice changer. He’ll appear in character for The Delocated Witness Protection Program Variety Show and join a panel discussion about his one-of-a-kind program.

Todd Barry
A well-recognized no-nonsense stand-up with tons of TV and road cred, Barry will join the Delocated events and also do a couple sets.

Brett Gelman
Described by Wood as “a comedy jack-of-all-trades, and a scene-stealer in every movie,” Gelman is a regular with Upright Citizens Brigade and Chris Elliot’s costar on Adult Swim’s slapstick action show Eagleheart.

Our Own Particularly “Portland” Picks

While Andy goes in for maximum cred and novelty, Culturephile must admit a different bias: We tend to love people who speak to us. We also favor comedians who call Portland home, and those who, despite not being from here, seem deeply committed to “keeping it weird,” particularly in a wordy, nerdy, Portland way. Hence, here are the acts that earn a flourish from PM’s highlighter.

Andy Wood
Bridgetown’s mastermind isn’t just a booker, folks; he’s also a comic who got his start in Southeast Portland, bravely bucking the mainstream back when indie rock still seemed the only coin of the realm. Though he’s too modest to make a big deal of it, without Wood there would be no Bridgetown, and probably a much smaller Portland comedy scene. So go buy this guy a drink.

Maria Bamford
“The Bammer” hates day jobs, does a pterodactyl impression, and jokes about being chronically single and in love with her pug. How is she not from Portland? Give this woman a key to the city.

Matt Braunger
Braunger won us over last October, sitting down for an interview with PM correspondent Rebecca Waits on the eve of taping his Comedy Central standup special at the Alberta Rose Theatre.
Read article…

Ron Funches
Even funnier than his name makes him sound, Mr. Funches was featured in our latest March issue. “People can steal your jokes, but they can’t ‘out-you’ you,” muses the endearingly distinctive comic. Read article…

Ian Karmel
Full disclosure: Our own bar pilot John Chandler was one of the judges last summer at the Helium Comedy contest that deemed Karmel The Funniest Person In Portland. Though that’s an ever harder title to hold, Karmel continues to prove his prominence with appearances on Portlandia and gut-bustingly good sets.

Virginia Jones
One of our Fall Arts issue featurees in 2010 and a participant in PAM’s Shine a Light event last fall, Ms. Jones was at the forefront of Portland’s comedy groundswell before migrating to the warmer climes of LA. The woman who impertinently retitled one of PAM’s priceless abstract bronze sculptures “The Scrunchie” is back to flip us even more lip.

Noteworthy Theme Shows

Think Bridgetown is all standup? Think again. Like many great fests, conventions, and consortiums, Bridgetown mixes in panel discussions and collaborations. The tent is even big enough for standup’s wacky cousin improv.

The Humor Code
Professor Peter McGraw and a panel of comedians including Pete Holmes, Myq Kaplan and more assess comedy culture clashes, from the infamous Muhammad cartoonist to Jewish jokes told in Palestine, hoping to figure out what—if anything—is universally funny.

Set List In this improv challenge, comics are given a never-before-seen “set list” of outrageous topics to perform on the spot, while the audience follows the list on the projection screen behind them. “This has been a huge hit at Edinburgh and everywhere else they’ve put it on,” says Wood.

The Super Serious Show
An LA-based showcase hits Portland with special guests, including Dave Hill and Conan writer Andres du Bouchet.

Bridgetown 2012 takes place APRIL 12-15.

Link here!