Author: badinia

Virginia Jones is a comedian, writer, and actor- probably in that order.

Why Are All My Comedy Heroes Scumbags?

 This article is based on my own opinions and extrapolations from nine years performing in comedy, and many years before that of being a woman.  If it annoys you or makes you angry, I’m not surprised, but nor do I really care.

When Woody Allen married a child he helped raise, it threw us for a loop.  Some people stopped watching his films, and many of us couldn’t enjoy them without any thought of his personal life.

Nothing prepared us for the Cosby allegations, spurred on by the comments of Hannibal Burress. Yet- the stories had been circulating for years.  There couldn’t have been a more shocking division of the private and the public versions of one man.

And now we have the Louis CK story.  Like Cosby, stories about Louis had been around: in 2009, I heard the account of two female comics being forced to watch him masturbate at the Aspen comedy festival.  They were advised it was in their best interest to keep quiet, but now, it no longer sounds like a one-time poor occurrence.  And let’s be clear.  It’s no Cosby case.  It’s not serial rape.  But nor is it a kink.  He’s not getting outed for having a fun little fetish.  It’s for subjecting women to his cock who didn’t want to see it.  Why do men whose work we enjoy and respect keep letting us down?

There are a couple of forces at work here.

One is these men think women are garbage, and that women comics are even worse than that.  Cosby apologists let us know that women were liars who wanted money and all the kind of great attention you get from being a rape victim, the same happened to #yesallwomen.  So, that’s part one.

Louis CK defenders are stating that the only way women comics get ahead is by having sex with people in power.

 A male comic friend of mine let me know that if a male comic asked me to go on tour, I should assume it’s because he wanted to have sex with me, because otherwise he’d just tour with a dude, like normal.

It’s irresponsible to say all comics have mental issues or depression or emotional problems or are full-grown man-children.  However, I have friends who never dated before they did comedy, and for whom road ass is part of the payment of road work.  So, that’s part two.

If I stopped speaking with every comic who had been unfaithful to his girlfriend or wife, who’d sent unasked-for dick pics, who’d been predatory to new women comics, who’d felt entitled to sex with their female friends in comedy, who’d shit on their comedian ex onstage, who’d punched their wife, who’d tried to have sex with an unconscious friend on their couch, who’d laughed with their friends about passing women comics around like jizzrags, who’d judged women for sleeping with male comics but had never judged male comics, who’d had different women in every town before Facebook made the world transparent, I would have about five friends.

Part three is that when people get more powerful, that does not lead to being a better person.  You feel protected.  You have representation, legal and otherwise.  Why would bad behavior improve?

So, I’m sorry.  There may be other scandals involving your heroes.  They are happening because women are less-than and famous men are more-than.  I don’t know what else to tell you.  Hopefully, this gets better.  It’s not going to change without women getting angry, but guess what?  I am angry.  Hey, thanks for reading!

The West Coast Gets a Comedy SURPRISE!

promotional poster for surprise comedy tour virginia jones robert buscemi sofiya alexandra by josh abraham

SURPRISE! It’s a pop up show that changes locations and has a secret line up-
“Priceless Impromptu Moments”- LA Weekly


LA comics Robert Buscemi, Sofiya Alexandra and Virginia Jones are touring the West Coast with SURPRISE, LA’s finest mystery lineup, pop-up comedy show, starting in Santa Barbara, Humboldt, San Francisco, Eugene, Portland, and Vancouver, WA!

The Show:
http://www.welikela.com/best-free-comedy-shows-los-angeles/

Many thanks to the amazing Josh Abraham for the poster!

Put Your Hands Together!

Put Your Hands Together with Cameron Esposito and Virginia Jones    I had a great time on the legendary Put Your Hands Together show with Cam Esposito and Rhea Butcher, here’s the link for the podcast download and you can pretend you were there!

And Lady Makes Threesome- for Love.tv

The Menage a Trois: It’s said to be every man’s fantasy, and maybe it’s yours, too- but it can be intimidating.  Of course, there are many flavors of threesomes- I’m going to address the M-F-F scenario here, but there are some good tips for everyone.

Full disclosure: (Ooh! Sounds Naughty.)

I’ve been both women in the threesome scenario.  I’ve been in the couple that invites another woman in, (the host), and I’ve been the visiting woman, the guest.

For many years I wondered what the motivation for the guest could be.   As a host, I’m having a sexy adventure with my partner that we can enjoy reliving together again and again, and she’s likely just having a one-night stand with us when she could be out having sex with single people.  Later, I had my first experience as a guest and found that the advantage of being the visitor is that you’re the dang superstar!  Being the guest is giving everyone that electric first kiss, helping a couple you’re attracted to have good sex, and hopefully having some yourself!

I know that there are sometimes three-ways where nobody is a couple, but that sounds like chaos, just two girls climbing over each other, hissing, trying to establish dominance.  I have no tips for that one but hide your wallet and use condoms.

Good advice for the host:

  1. Despite what happens in porn, don’t invite your close friend, or someone you see all the time to join you in the bedroom. That can make relationships awkward.  Do you really want your fella to know what having sex with your bestie is like?  The internet gives opportunities to meet all sorts of people!  Take advantage of it!  In the 1950’s, you would have had to take a personal out in a swinger’s magazine distributed exclusively in truck stops to find a willing third.  Now, you can put an app on your phone and screen partners over lunch!
  2. Concentrate on finding a woman you feel curious about- odds are good your honey will agree.
  3. Don’t pick someone as a third that either of you are romantically interested in – the situation is too complicated as it is.  Be honest with yourself.
  4. Talk rules over with your partner and set boundaries beforehand.  Would you prefer to limit sex to oral?  Are there things you want your partner not to do?  Discuss them with your new friend.

Good Advice for Everyone:

  1. Don’t rush in!   Get to know each other, have a drink, flirt.  The more comfortable you are, the more fun you’ll have.
  2. Don’t get too drunk- issues like communication, consent, and staying on the same page get harder to parse when you’ve had more than a few. I’ve been in situations where I had to say “You don’t have to get me drunk to sleep with you guys, I want to anyway!”  Don’t judge me.
  3. Once the mood is right, make a move. Oh, so exciting!  It’s like seven minutes in heaven but for grownups.
  4. Stay in the game. Even if the other two people are very busy with each other, caress or kiss and stay involved.  Don’t sit back and pout if you’re the third wheel for a second!  Manners are important.
  5. On the other side, when you’re in a threesome, don’t leave anyone out. Again, manners!   Even if you just reach over to touch them, keep them involved and connected.

Good Advice for The Man:

  1. Always split your attention evenly between the women, and when in doubt, lavish more attention on your partner.  If you’re having fun, and she is, too, you could be in this position again.  Go to great lengths to avoid making her jealous.

Good Advice for The Guest:

  1. No matter what your typical bed style, try taking the beta position. You’re assuring the host that she’s the boss, and what she says goes.  Pay the most attention to her.  You’re not here to blow up her spot.  Make her comfortable.  A lot of the threesome experience is a show the two of you put on for him.
  2. If a member of the couple leaves the room, the game is paused. How would you feel if you walked in on your dude and another lady, even if you’d been with both of them moments before?  Empathy is important.  Despite lots going on, try to put yourself in the position of the other players and treat them how you’d like to be treated.
  3. Once the game is over, it’s probably best to find your panties and head home! If you see them again, maybe you can have a sleepover.  The first threesome is a testing ground and is best kept on the short side.  Be safe, be sweet, and have fun, you sexy so-and-so!

Chivo!

virginia jones photographed by chivo ballerina

virginia jones photographed by chivo ballerina

I was in a beer ad shot by Chivo, the three-time Oscar winner whose nickname means “The Goat”.

I play a plus sized, sad ballerina in a vintage playroom, shot in the beautiful Palace Theatre on Broadway.  The photos he posted on Instagram are lovely and paintinglike and I thought I’d put them here.

Punchline Punchout!

Fantastically funny ladies Amber Preston and Andy Erikson asked me to compete for BLOOD in their comedy show this week- I bested my very funny friend Sean Jordan in the category of Topical Jokes, which will never be useful again.  I submit them here in a last ditch attempt to make my mother proud.

Roseanne Barr revealed she is losing her eyesight, so her next husband might be worse-looking than Tom Arnold.  Basic dudes are lining up at her house as we speak.

The first “smart” baby onesie has been invented, and it detects periods of baby sleep and wakefulness and also the percentage of weight that is made of poop.

Abercrombie and Fitch is eliminating its shirtless models, and are thereby losing the last segment of the population that gave a shit about Abercrombie and Fitch, which is gay men who want to shop at a store that sounds like it’s run by Ebenezer Scrooge’s best friends.

Three more women have accused Bill Cosby of sexual assault, bringing the number to 39, which is 9 more than most americans have had consensual sex with.

Cadbury chocolate has released a new candy bar with seven different fillings, including fruit, caramel, nuts, and insulin.

I don’t know why anyone is surprised that teenagers are bruising their faces trying to suck their lips into Snapple bottles.  They’re idiots, and at least this takes a few minutes away from sending each other pictures of their genitals on snapchat.

There are questions about the timing of Bruce Jenner’s gender transition, but if you think about it, it’s perfect.  he’s well into retirement age and will no longer have to deal with wage inequity.

43 dinosaur eggs have been discovered in a construction site in Guandong, China, but the eggs have still not been buried long enough for Chinese people to eat.

Iceman from the X-men has been revealed to be gay, and all the other X-men just really like the feel of snugly tailored leather suits.

Apple’s new Apple Watch has been released and is changing lives, as everyone stops staring slackjawed at their phone and starts staring slackjawed at their wrist watches.

Unfortunately, There are now only 5 white rhinos left on earth, and only one of them is male.  In good news, that male rhino’s Tinder is blowing up.

The country of Greece, after years of economic instability, has determined it will default on its loans from the EU, using the same method of debt resolution as your drunk dad who doesn’t answer the phone anymore.

Today, 2000 people gathered in DC to protest gay marriage. they should just establish a tiny city in Montana called No Fagistan and be done with it.  Nobody gives a shit about them .

Swedish scientists report that the genome for the wooly mammoth has been mapped, leading to conversations about whether we should clone one, except for in a post- global warming environment, where the fuck would he live?  We can’t even keep our rhinos alive, you guys.

A new poll of  Millenials shows that they either want Jared Leto’s joker to die in a fire or that picture of a baby alligator in a raincoat will change their lives forever.

First post for LOVE TV

Well, the nice people at LoveTV are letting me write articles for them about love, sex, and dating, and then they did me the favor of decorating my article with stock photos, here of good-looking Asian models.  It’s called How To Date Today: A Guide For Every Generation.

Young Couple Kissing In Restaurant

“I went on a nice date with a man last week.  We spoke for hours, and I think we really liked each other.”

 “That’s great, Mom.”

“Shouldn’t I cancel the other two dates, because I like the first man?”

“No, mother, you can’t tell anything from a first date.  Meet the other guys and see what happens.”

My mom called a couple days later to say she hadn’t heard from that first guy that she liked, even though she really thought she would, and why would he spend so much time with her if he wasn’t interested in seeing her again?  That’s when I realized the real sadness of millennial style dating- explaining to your mom that she’s not allowed to develop feelings for people right away.  The first step of online dating is not setting up your profile, but building a turtle shell of indifference around your heart. 

The next week, my sister told me “That guy finally called Mom.  He’s pulled up outside her house.  I am totally spying on our mom.   Oh my god he brought flowers.  Oh my god she’s walking him into the house.”

 I assured her that it was just to put the flowers in water, and that she shouldn’t worry.  “Baby boomers don’t jump into the sack like twenty year olds with no body hair.  There’s only so much they can affect.  I think.”   But honestly, I don’t know for sure.