badinia, Author at Virginia Jones ⋆ Page 14 of 63

All Jane, Meet All Dick Envy

The funniest thing about the poster isn’t its existence.

The funniest thing isn’t the claim that all penises will be severed on site.

The funniest thing is that the guy who made it doesn’t know it’s funny, and doesn’t want his last name to get out in case his girlfriend gets mad.

Postscript: OK, this guy didn’t wind up protesting because he was “frightened for his safety.” It was a little bit funny for us, looking around at sweet, cute, smart lady comics, people who wear cardigans and glasses, and feeling like we were in the middle of a gender war, but he also might have stayed home because it rained most nights. Who knows? Anyway, we never saw him.

All Jane got lots of great press from this threatened protest, from revered feminist institutions like Bust and Bitch, as well as the LA Weekly, Willamette Week, Portland Mercury, etc. However, with the added visibility, we also started getting spammed by transgender individuals who were offended at the cissexist name, All Jane, No Dick (meaning: assuming there are only two genders.) Never mind that the festival, its organizers, and its participants are trans friendly and supportive, never mind that one of the performers on a short roster is genderfluid comic Rye Silverman. A volunteer had to spend a whole day deleting negative comments from the public spaces about All Jane, and lots of comics and organizers were shame-faced to have raised ire from the trans community for our name, even though we know it’s “edgy” and funny. That’s what comedy is.

But I wasn’t ashamed. I was mad. In my unpopular opinion, whether it’s straight men telling women what to do or transgendered persons telling us what to do, it’s still men telling women what to do, and I’m sick of it. The MOST gender-specific trait for men is telling women what to do, how to be good girls and not offend anyone. We can make whatever we want, we can call it whatever we want, and we’ll do whatever the fuck we want. If we offend people? Good. Don’t come. Life is not about never being offended. Riot Grrl Comedy! Rant over! We had fun! And Sizzle Pie and Montage fed us and it was great!

Postscript: This year, the festival is just called “All Jane.”

All Jane No Dick Sizzle Reel

I’m back in Portland soon for the All Jane No Dick Festival, with some of the funniest women in comedy! Portlanders, come on out! My shows are listed on the right, as ever!

GLENDALIA 7!

Finally! We are reunited for GLENDALIA! Dax returns to bring his mighty presence back to the Complex on Tuesday, October 14th at Complex, 806 E Colorado St, Glendale, CA! Reunited, and it feels so good! We have fun! The event is here!

*Dax’s return has been greatly overstated. By Dax.

SFICC at the Wells Fargo Center

Well, my angels, I did not make the cut to finals, but I had a great week, I got drunk in a casino and pretended I was a giant Canadian’s wife, I had some amazing SF company and vegan food, and I got to perform to a 1500 person audience in beautiful Santa Rosa. Here’s my set, introduced by the hilarious Sammy Obeid.

Reading Between The Lines: Interpreting Craigslist Missed Connections Part 3

“Let me eat your pussy – m4w – 34 (Marina Del Rey)
age : 34 body : average height : 5’10” (177cm)

Looking for someone who wants their pussy serviced orally. I am not looking for anything in return.

Open to all ages and sizes.

I am clean and expect you to be the same.

If interested reply with the name of a state in the subject line.”

OK, this one’s a little more straightforward, but I think I can get the following out of it.

“age : 34 body : average height : 5’10″”

age : 34 body : fat height : 5’8″

“Looking for someone who wants their pussy serviced orally. I am not looking for anything in return.”

It’s a calculated risk, but I think I can probably guilt you into at least a handy.

“Open to all ages and sizes.”

I am extremely challenging to look at. It’s OK if you’re the same. No matter what you think, you will never be able to picture what will greet you at the door in Marina del Rey. Look, I know I’m not going to get a supermodel, but if you have a vagina I will try to lick it. I am not good at it. If I were good at it, I would have a roster of women texting me at bar closing time every night.

“I am clean and expect you to be the same.”

It seems weird that I have to point this out, but apparently the people who successfully avoid venereal disease are not the same people who are willing to risk their lives to get oral from randos on Craigslist. Anyway, after years of living on processed cheese and chicken nuggets, I don’t have the cardiovascular health to keep it up with a condom on, so please at least tell me you’re disease-free.

“If interested please reply with the name of a state in the subject line.”

I didn’t finish high school and I would like to learn some more names of states. I figure, two birds!

39th Annual San Francisco International Comedy Competition!

I’m very excited to be moving on to the next level in the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. I used to think I hated comedy competitions, but really I just hate the ones I’m doing badly in? Look to the right of this very article to see the dates in the next heat, running in and around SF Sept 22-27! Wish me luck!

POSTSCRIPT: We had a lotta fun, Kabir Singh took it home in the end, and I didn’t make it out of semis. What’s the expression? It was an honor to be nominated. And it was! I had some great shows and worked with some great people.

Reading Between The Lines: Interpreting Craigslist Missed Connections Part Two

The lovely and vivacious Sharon Houston asked for my take on this Missed Connection, and it’s a doozy:

“Girl in the Planned Parenthood in Lakewood – m4w – 25
age : 25

I felt like you were trying to catch my eye, and Im not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or bad way haha let me know. I was with a girl and wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants with glasses. If this is you let me know what you were wearing, because I thought you looked really good but I just couldnt say it or stare too long because im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman (:”

First of all, we all know that hitting on a girl at a sex clinic takes brass balls, or at least a certain lack of both self awareness and social graces. To do so while accompanying another girl to the sex clinic is just phenomenal.

“Not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or a bad way…wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants.”

LOL WTF She’s looking at you in a bad way, asswipe. You’re wearing sweat pants in public like a giant baby- and if you can’t dress up for your first abortion, what will you dress up for?

“haha let me know”

I am prone to faking laughter when things get awkward haha. It’s how you can tell I’m an indigo child LOL.

“im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman”

And what amazing, punctuation-starved company that is! I hope both your STD screens came out clean? Yes, I’m pretty sure that waiting until you’re alone to post a missed connection is what nice guys and gentlemen do.

“Let me know what you were wearing”- I hope you remember what you had on every time some asshole stares at you in public. While we’re at it, what kind of phone do I have? What color are my eyes? What inconsistencies were circled in the Highlights magazine in the waiting room? Are you not the Sherlock fucking Holmes of strangers staring at you?

I’m kidding, kid. I hope you do find love with everyone at the sex clinic.

My first Missed Connection interpretation is here.