Damned Dog
Author: badinia
Virginia Jones is a comedian, writer, and actor- probably in that order.
My Dolly By Carolyn Main
Carolyn Main has done a portrait of me as a dolly for a very reasonable rate, and if you would like her to do one of you, write her at Carolynmain@gmail.com.
Here is her website of her art, which is about pugs, sex, glamour, and everything good.
Amazing Quotes From An Amazing Lady
I know it’s no longer mother’s day, but I just got off the phone with my mother, whom I love to distraction. I wanted to share some of her more quotable quotes with you before they vanish into the Ether.
1. My mother asked me, “Have you heard of the Flight of the Conchords?” My fucking hipster Mother. I told her that not only was I pretty familiar with them, I had met pretty much all the supporting cast on the show, including the amazing Rhys Darby, the lovely Kristen Schaal, hilarious gents Todd Barry, Eugene Mirman, and Eddie Pepitone, and the amazingly funny and lovely Arj Barker. She is not impressed by this. She wants to meet Bret McKenzie.
2. “I found my favorite turtlenecks at Wal-Mart for a dollar!” My mother is famous for wearing a particular kind of spun poly interlock turtleneck, which usually has a scatter print on it, whether seasonal flowers, holiday holly, or spooky jack’o’lanterns! Apparently, she hit the fucking Wal-Mart turtleneck jackpot, and the things, usually priced at 7.99, were down to one dollar apiece. I posit that it’s not worth the caloric burn to put on a dollar turtleneck. I have advised her that I will title her biography “Dollar Turtlenecks: The Donna R. Story.”
3. My mother told me that wops had attacked her on her porch, and when I asked, wops? She said, sorry. Wasps.
4. The fourth and most important thing my mother told me: She has been working at an adult care home, and one of her patients was permanently physically and mentally damaged when he smoked meth that had been laced with rat poison. Apparently, six people who had smoked the batch died, but he didn’t.
My mother tells me that he is quadriplegic, and his life is over, and that I should not, under any circumstances, smoke meth. I asked her, mom did you really think I was going to start meth? She said she just wanted to be sure.
Don’t bugg Me
This is my arm with the Bodybugg on it. Yes, I’m very pretty.
Since my relocation to glamorous SoCal, it has come to my attention that some of my sassy trousers and dresses had gotten a little tighter than they used to be, so I have re-installed a small chirping robot on my arm called the Bodybugg. After losing 20 lbs with the Bugg last year, I abandoned it when I started going out on dates. Something about the psychic magnetism of people’s hands means that whenever anyone touches my arm reassuringly or in a flirty manner, it lands right on my robot. I move the robot up, it gets touched. I move the robot down, it gets touched.
It’s always off-putting when a stranger accidentally grabs your robot, so here are the lies I have told about it:
1. It’s for diabetes
2. It’s a symbiotic parasite that allows me to read minds (half true)
3. It’s for house arrest.
4. My car won’t start without it.
Bodybugg is a shiny black square on an elastic band. It uses a pedometer, thermometer, and skin conductivity to measure the actual calories I burn every day. If I want my ass to be smaller, I will know precisely how much to feed it.
I was born of Irish potato-eating stock that prepares for the ever-looming threat of famine generated by the ruling British class every day of my life, so I have to watch what I put in my face pretty closely.
I think that the real meaning of adulthood is not paying taxes or volunteering to help the aged, but looking at a chart on a computer that lets you know you can’t eat a cookie until you’ve finished doing your sit-ups, or else you’re not going to get to wear the jeans you want on Friday.
All that being said- this is the only weightloss thingy that has consistently worked for me. It’s hard facts, no flinching allowed- Robot+food logging (UGH what can be duller)+math. Also, it has kind of a Tamagotchi element. When I take it off to shower or sit in a hot tub, it lets out a little “where are you” chirp, and when it is back on my arm, it sings a little self-congratulatory song. That makes me feel like the little robot is happy to live on me. It may be sucking energy off of me like a vampire. I can’t be sure.
Interesting Drug
Dear All;
As part of my new rock and roll Los Angeles lifestyle, I attended a Smiths/Morrissey convention at the Avalon ballroom in Hollywood last night.
I asked a few friends to join me, but t they were above that kind of shameless display, so in the end I went alone, which was entirely appropriate.
I really didn’t know what to expect. In my head, I thought it would more like other record conventions I’ve been to, stacks of related records, bootleg DVD’s, t-shirts, and very little eye contact.
What I Found
I shan’t bore you with the blow-by-blow of Mozathon, but it essentially consisted of a rocking cover band from Dublin (These Charming Men, not to be confused with my personal favorite Smiths cover project, This Charming Band from SF*), a Smiths/ Moz karaoke contest hosted by the specialist outfit New Wave Karaoke, held on an unlit stage in an adjoining room, a room of PETA tables (hooray) and a few t-shirt salesmen and hawkers of various unlicensed Smiths paraphernalia.
In previous years, Mike Joyce and Andy Rourke (the Least Famous Members of the Smiths, not like Johnny Marr) have attended, but that doesn’t seem necessary.
The con has separated from the mothership of relevance and continues, with people showing up to hang out with each other.
What They Looked Like
There were two basic looks: Pompadours and eyeglasses for the boys,and Hispanic Bettie Page for the girls. I joked with a fellow con attendee, who had traveled from Tuscon to check it out, that if he ever murdered anyone, he should come hide at a Morrissey event. He did not find this as hilarious as I did, and to be fair, who would?
I approached a nice person in this shirt and asked if I could take a photo, because this Morrissey/Mayhem mash-up was the funniest thing I’d ever seen, and still is, mostly, even after this.
My favorite part of all conventions is how friendly and approachable everyone is. Everyone is happy to talk, happy to talk about Moz, happy to be there. And that’s what I most enjoyed. That and watching a deadpan lesbian sing “First of The Gang To Die.” Those were my two favorite things.
Karaoke Friendships
I was sorry that I was not available to hang out long enough for the karaoke contest, but I was interested to see that Queen is Dead was on the songlist.
I am only familiar with Queen is Dead as a Baby Ketten Karaoke jam (with all instruments and vocals by Mr. John Brophy, Esq).
I followed up with a visit to the New Wave Karaoke in Bellflower, and was delighted to learn that they had acquired the selfsame version from a friend of Brophy’s in the O.C. (Kevin Karaoke, Natch)
The rest of the list is quite good, with more Bauhaus and Love and Rockets and Dead Can Dance than I’ve seen elsewhere, as well as nuggets like Dexy’s Geno, The Cramps’ Human Fly, and the goth dancehall classic once only available on the soundtrack for Married to the Mob, Q Lazzarus’ Goodbye, Horses*.
In other small world news, evidently the KJ is a friend of my friend My Young’s, who is from Plano, TX. It’s my world. Just to say, I already know everyone worth knowing, which is why I don’t need any friends.
*Trivia Fact: Although the original lead singer, the great Orlandissey, has left This Charming Band and has been replaced by a younger dude, I will still talk to almost anyone about my love for them at length.
**Trivia Fact: Because “Goodbye, Horses” was not featured on the soundtrack for Silence of the Lambs, in the pre-Internet age the only way to have a copy was to track down a copy of 1988’s Married to the Mob, until Kevin Smith used it in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. YOU CAN’T IMAGINE HOW HARD WE HAD IT!
Here’s a nice picture featuring myself, KJ Jay Tando, and the Baby Ketten logo on the Queen is Dead video.
Gaultier Vs. Dame Darcy
While wending my way home from Portland, I stopped into the De Young Museum in San Francisco to see the Gaultier exhibit that originated in Montreal last year. JPG was a favorite designer of mine through my highschool and college years, and it’s neat to see so many of his couture pieces mounted as an art exhibition.
The show also features artists that JPG has worked with/for/collaborated with, including Herb Ritts, Andy Warhol, Pedro Almodovar, Pierre Cardin, Madonna, Pierre et Gilles, Luc Besson, and others, both more famous and more obscure-
Creepily animated JPG introduces the exhibit- his face is projected on a white mannequin, and looks amazing!
Jean Paul Gaultier loves Leigh Bowery , and so do I.
Punkity punk punk!
The show also has a very wonderful coffee-table book with some amazing photographs and essays about Gaultier’s influences and collaborators that I recommend highly.
If you distill it all down, Gaultier’s design career has been made of:
1. Mermaids
2. Punks
3. S&M
4. Sailors
5. Dolls
6. Corsets
7. The Madonna
8. Madonna
At the exhibit, I was reminded of the obsessions of the amazingly multitalented illustrator/musician/dollmaker Dame Darcy:
1. Mermaids
2. Sailors
3. Witches
4. Horses
5. Dolls
6. Dark Fairies
7. Saints & Goddesses
8. The Madonna
9. Siamese Twins!
I think this sounds like a collaboration in the making-
At any rate, I heartily recommend them both!
Press Kit!
Dear All;
Although the concept of writing down nice things that people have told me is anathema to my whole personality, I need to get a press kit from somewheres!
“I don’t know why she tells jokes at all, when she can dance like that”- Bryan Cook
This is very sweet, and also lets me know that I should start dancing for money, which there are many opportunities to do in my previous home, Portland, OR. I mentioned this to Rylee Newton and she advised, “It’s not too soon. Nobody’s gonna say, who’s that teen stripper?”
“Virginia will take any excuse to take her clothes off at a party.” – John Graham. Not a compliment exactly, but still, it was said.
“You’re very funny!”- Maria Bamford. An unexpected bit of kindness from a mad genius that I have the utmost respect for.
“You have timing, and that can’t be taught”- Ron Bennington, of the Ron & Fez show
“Formerly known as the queen of Portland Comedy!” -Whitney Streed
“Oh, she’s not a genius. Did she tell you that?” – My mother
“Virginia doesn’t wear too much makeup- just enough that it looks like a parrot exploded in front of her face!” -Richie Stratton
It’s true, and I feel bad for the parrot.
I’m also pleased to report I have been nominated by Barfly Magazine, an esteemed and revered publication, as Portland’s Funniest Comic for the second year running, despite not living in Portland any longer.
Well, thanks for listening. It’s almost like having friends!