badinia, Author at Virginia Jones ⋆ Page 34 of 63

Trivial Comedy

I got to sit in on a round of questions from the ShanRock brand of trivia, the finest trivia in the land, and make jokes about it. Here are some of the things I said. They’re not good for anything, so I’m just gonna tell ‘em to you.

What turns a Mogwai into a Gremlin? A: That’s stupid. You can’t turn a band into a car!

Moby Dick has one of the most iconic opening lines in Western Literature. Fill in the missing word: “Call me ______” A: Call me crazy- Is that the biggest white whale you’ve ever seen?

What exact bird do you find on the back of a Canadian $1 coin? A: That’s the Queen, and it’s very disrespectful to call her a “bird.”

And Dax Jordan’s favorite: Q: Virginia, did you ever drink Absinthe? A: Yeth, and I haven’t been the thame thince!

Bridgetown Appeteaser!

Dear Comedy Fans;

The website for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival is roaring back to life, and some very exciting acts have been posted! When all is said and done, 175 comics will be participating in total!

Some of my favorites:

The amazing Margaret Cho, who is still trying to get a green light for her sitcom, “Cho ‘Nuff.”

Kristen Schaal from The Daily Show and Flight of the Conchords, who is incredibly funny and weird- she’s voicing a character on Bob’s Burgers, and I got to see some of the sketch that she does with Kurt Braunohler at the Women In Comedy Festival in Boston and found it to be uniquely voiced and wonderful!

Trevor Moore and the rest of Whitest Kids U’Know will be joining new Portland resident Timmy Williams to perform at the Festival!

Portland favorite Doug Benson will be there, bringing his favorite hoody and his best friend/bodyguard/karate expert Graham Elwood!

Sean Cullen, the amazing Canadian song stylist and comedy talent, will bring his beautiful man-voice and smart absurdism.

Kyle Kinane returns to build the legend! If you have not heard his record, Death of the Party, it is fricking amazing. His comedy has changed mine. Screw accessibility!

Hannibal Buress is back, he’s been doing some cameos on 30 Rock (a show he writes on, no big deal) that have comedy nerds shivering with joy, like puppies with distemper. He’s the most deadpan human alive.

Pete Holmes is a Bridgetown premiere, hot off a Conan appearance, voicing a baby who sells stocks on the internet, and two appearances on John Oliver’s stand-up show!

The inimitable Moshe Kasher is hanging and will be intimidating me all the time.

W. Kamau Bell returns to a city he thinks doesn’t like him, and will be doing a special show with Comedy Against The Machine, including the amazing Hari Kondabolu and my adorable friend Janine Brito!

(Did you know I met Janine in Hong Kong? It’s true. That’s where we met.)

Last Comic Standing import Matt Kirshen is coming all the way from the yew kayy to crack wise!

Former SNL writer and Onion contributor Mike Drucker will be here, he’s amazingly funny and cerebral- he has worked with Brian Posehn and Patton Oswalt this year, and has also hung out with my dogs!

The incredibly talented Jesse Case is returning to eat veggie dogs and crack jokes!

So clear your calendars from April 21st to the 24th, buy tickets and find a place to sleep! It’s comin’! Follow @bridgetown on Twitter and like them on Facebook and do all that crap! BECAUSE IT’S HOW TO HAVE FUN!

Advance tickets for the ENTIRE FESTIVAL, including unlimited shows for four days, are available for $60 on a discount advance purchase, and also the coveted Golden Ticket, which gets you front-of-line privileges at any show.

Regards, Virginia

In Memoriam: Goth Juice

Last week I headed to Lush, the store that makes soap out of food, to restock one of my primary staples- along with soy lattes, I am propelled through the world by Goth Juice, the vegan hairstyling product inspired by the Mighty Boosh that I first loved here.

I stood in the middle of the store and looked around, casually, and then with ever-growing confusion, until a nice girl with a fashionable haircut broke the news to me- Goth Juice, Made from the Tears of Robert Smith, had been dropped from the LUSH offering. I dropped to my knees and started gasping like a trout, and regretted the carefree, sloppy vigor with which I had dispatched my last tub of product.

If I had known, I said, I would have made it LAST, maybe frozen a little bit for a special occasion, like my marriage to Noel Fielding, or the funeral of the person who discontinued Goth Juice.

Purple. Slippery but dry, like the SLIME toy that was sold in the 80’s until every carpeting had SLIME mashed liberally into it. It smelt like pine trees, or like a linoleum floor that had been washed with something that smelt like pine trees. Lightweight and evoking Vince Noir and gravity-defying satsumas. Infinitely superior to the greasy King of the Mods, which inexplicably survives. If no-one else loved you, Goth Juice, I loved you.

Let’s Get Emo!

Dear Portland;

Sometimes, dreams come true. I’m here to prove it. I’ve been Seizing The Moment and Living My Best Life Ever and doing everything Oprah says, and finally something that has been on my Vision Board is coming to pass: Emo Philips is coming to do a show in Portland, at the Helium comedy club, March 24-26.

He has not performed here since 1986. He did a show in 2007 that I drove to Bend, OR to see, along with patriot Danny Norton, and you can read all about it here. I feel strongly that Portland has been quietly sitting in folding chairs, hands gently waiting for his return so that we can crown him as our weirdo king.

If you liked his records in the eighties, please know that his joke writing has continued to refine and develop, and he is now known as one of the finest joke writers in the world. He is a truly cerebral deeply funny act for the enjoyment of comics, comedy fans, weirdos, and Emo-philiacs- please join me for a great set of shows!

I’m in Just Out!

Laughterglow Returns to Weird Bar Thursday

Posted by Ryan Prado on Feb 15, 2011

There’s nothing funny about Laughterglow – Weird Bar’s monthly showcase of new comedy – taking a month off. But if Portland’s funny folk shave their way, they’ll spend all night Thursday making it up to you.

Southeast’s premier inclusive club Weird Bar – formerly Southeast’s premier lesbian bar the Egyptian Room – serves up veterans of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, Bumbershoot, Helium Comedy Club, Portland’s Got Talent, and more this Thursday, February 17 starting at 9 p.m. Between emerging stand-up, sketch comedy and music, the options for sating the blues on a rainy Thursday seem to be in good order, dontcha think? But who’s gonna be there? ROLL CALL!

Stand-up will be handled by Virginia Jones (Women in Comedy Festival, Bridgetown, Bumbershoot, Helium Comedy Club), Anthony Lopez (Portland Amateur Comedy Competition), and Iris Gorman (Brody Theater). Enjoy sketch comedy by Tactics Ogre [Jimmy Newstetter (Bridgetown) & Christian Ricketts (Bridgetown)]; and music by the always great Annie Vergnetti (Portland’s Got Talent).

Laughterglow will set you back just five American dollars, and is for those 21 and over.

Pete Ellison can stop lording it over me!

Finally.

As Tammy Wynnette said.

This really is too personal to put on a blog , but the artist formerly known as Spouse recently said he thought we should get a divorce, so that he could date someone else.

The month since has been an interesting education in my own vanity and in the many ways I could feel bad. I have already learned so much about myself, like that I’m used to fiddling with my wedding ring a hundred times a day. I know that most of my Portland friends have never even known me without him. Your kind thoughts are appreciated.

2012 Postscript: In a hilarious update, he has continued the feel-good Valentines’ tradition by remarrying on the same day he dumped me, a year later, on the radio! I wrote him “Uh, congrats, I guess” and he texted back “ZOMG THAT IS SO SWEET OF YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH.” Still and all, I hope Third Wife has better luck with him than the first two, because, you know. He cheated on us!

Portland on Portlandia

Since Portlandia aired, comedy in Portland has been dealt a blow- we can no longer make fun of precious, childhood-fetishizing, fixie-riding hipsters, our most visible attribute and most reviled population segment, because it’s been DONE, darling.

In desperation, I have been casting about for new jokes about our beloved city- to this end, here is a list of things that have NEVER been said about Portland:

Self-starter, type-A personality workers keep stores open all hours of the day and night- you never stop by an independent store at 3PM on a Tuesday to find them closed for no adequately explained reason.

One disadvantage of Portland living: you can’t find a coffeeshop in this town to save your life.

Everywhere you go, in every shop and residence, you can hear Dolly Parton singing “Jolene.”

Local waiststaff are frequently taken to task for being unnaturally clean and polite.

All of Portland has a crush on Zia McCabe of the Dandy Warhols, even buildings and those brass fountain otters downtown.

Portland is George W. Bush’s favorite weekend getaway city. Find him walking down to Saturday Market from the Governor hotel, which he thinks he can stay at for free, because he was a Governor.

Portland drivers are passive to the extreme, and are often overtaken by wild rabbits on the highway.

Like pumping your own gas, it’s illegal to make your own breakfast on Saturday or Sunday, leading to long, hungry lines in front of every local restaurant on the weekends.

Write me with more things that have never been said about Portland, ever!