Stand-up comics in an expanding Portland scene- The Oregonian

Thanks to Kristi Turnquist for giving me a jingle, and for writing such a well-researched and thought-out piece!

Comedy, as Steve Martin famously noted, is not pretty.

Consider stand-up comedy, that risky, showbiz high-wire routine in which one brave performer stands alone onstage, and commands a roomful of people to focus on nothing but him or her. It’s an art form that demands intensity and concentration — while also requiring the comic to be flexible and roll with the punches. Every audience is different; jokes that kill one night can meet with confused silence the next. But the show must go on. There’s nothing quite as deadly as watching a bad stand-up comic flail — or a talented one get miffed at the crowd for not laughing. It’s a balancing act of delivering a tightly crafted, solid bit with no wasted words — all the while giving the illusion of spontaneous, effortless wit.

But for those who love stand-up, as fans or performers, there’s nothing more invigorating. And, though many locals seem to forget there’s something other than live music to do here, Portland comedian Virginia Jones would like to remind them of the city’s thriving comedy scene.

Our whole night-life culture, Jones says, “is based on rock shows.” But she says Portland’s comedy scene is getting busier all the time, too, with a growing army of professional joke-tellers, would-be wisecrackers and venues instituting comedy nights. As if to prove the point, Portland comic Auggie Smith recently won both the San Francisco and Seattle comedy competitions, the first time a comedian has won both in the same year.

“It’s a super-interesting time,” says Jones, who has a day job at Nike. “There are all these new comics. It’s a very exciting environment.”

Jones started doing stand-up comedy about five years ago. “There were 25 to 30 active open-mic performers, and maybe 10 people who had been around for years and years and were headliners,” she recalls. “Now, there are 100 open-mic-ers.”

Jones hosts a regular open-mic night — where both experienced and newbie comics can get onstage — at Curious Comedy Theater. “I have 20 slots to give away” each night, she says, “and I show up, and there are 50 people interested.”

Not only are there open-mic nights almost every night of the week, Portland also has two full-time comedy clubs. On the west side, there’s Harvey’s Comedy Club, a mainstay for 18 years. On the east side, there’s the more recent addition, Helium Comedy Club. And then, there are several improv and sketch comedy troupes around town — but those are another story. For now, it’s all about stand-up.

“I’ve done a little bit of sketch comedy and improv,” Jones says. “But the thing that’s so rewarding about stand-up is that it is you alone. The singularity of it — you’re responsible for everything. If you bomb, it’s your fault. And if it goes well, it’s all you.

“Good or bad, it’s all you.”

On Monday nights, you find stand-up comics — from practiced pros to jittery amateurs — at the Boiler Room, an Old Town bar that claims to have hosted the longest-running open-mic night in town. For the pros, open-mic nights, which don’t pay, let them try new material. For novices, it’s a test to see if they can stand the heat of trying to make a roomful of people — many of them also comics — laugh. On a recent Monday night, James Zea is sitting with friends, waiting his turn. Zea’s day job is working security at Bridgeport Village, but he likes to tell jokes, he says, “Because I like to make people laugh.”

Zea, 28, has been doing comedy since 2006 but hasn’t gotten any professional gigs. “The only times I’ve performed are here, and at people’s houses,” he says. He practices a little at his job. “I’ll ask a woman, who’s like 80 years old, ‘How you doing today, ma’am?’ and she’ll say, ‘Oh, I’m fine,’ and then I say, ‘Well, you don’t need to brag.'” That one usually gets a laugh, he says.

Host Kevin-Michael Moore, who also performs with The 3rd Floor sketch-comedy group, arrives, gets the lineup organized, then stands at the microphone in one corner of the dark club.

“Knock-knock,” Moore says.

“Who’s there?” the audience responds.

“Multiple-personality disorder,” Moore says.

“Multiple-personality disorder who?”

“That’s really the question,” Moore says. “Isn’t it?”

He makes a few cracks about growing up in Troutdale, and launches into a parody of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” — only instead of saying Argentina, he says “(bleeping) Gresham.” This is, we soon discover, an R-rated night of comedy. As it says on the Boiler Room website, “We won’t ask you to censor your routine, anything goes here.”

And so it does, as about 20 comics take their turns, doing routines less than five minutes long. As the men, and a few women, take their turns, the jokes cover a range of topics: strippers (“old strippers never die — they just grind to a halt”); Portland police horse patrols (“I’ve yet to see a horse cop in a high-speed chase”); dogs and public transit (“If I were to do a Portland version of ‘Snakes on a Plane,’ I would call it ‘Dogs on a Bus'”); technology (“first there were booty calls, now there are booty texts — the bare minimum of booty effort”); and some old reliables — sex, drugs and the Blazers.

At last, time’s up, and everybody’s done for the night — the funny, the promising and the what-were-they-thinking? For the ones who tanked, there’s always next Monday, or one of the other open-mic nights around town.

Comics good enough may graduate from open-mic nights to paying gigs at comedy clubs, on the road and at home. That’s where a spot like Harvey’s Comedy Club in Old Town comes in.

Owner Barry Kolin has been running the place for 18 years. “I feel like the Ancient Mariner,” says Kolin. “I’ve seen clubs come and go. But it’s about consistency, and trying to take care of the customers.”

Harvey’s has kept going as stand-up has evolved, from the days when touring comedians needed to have TV appearances to their credit to the current climate, where comics build followings through podcasts, Web videos and social media sites such as Facebook and Twitter.

On a recent evening at Harvey’s, there’s a workplace-related function. A group of employees starts the evening in the banquet room, then moves to the showroom for comedy from Los Angeles-based headliner Tim O’Rourke (who played a recurring bartender on “The Drew Carey Show”); Lang Parker (who appeared on “Last Comic Standing”); and Portland comic Nathan Brannon.

Over the evening, they tell jokes about men, women, sex, Victoria’s Secret shopping and the oddity of bra cup sizes (“What is this, a grade system where the smaller you are, the better you are?”), the fact that there are no fat terrorists (“There’s no jihad in Hershey, Pennsylvania”), babies, getting older, and men who don’t know their girlfriends’ clothing sizes (“I think she’s a Junior Mint?”).

The crowd is relaxed and boisterous, applauds, and a few people near the front get into back-and-forth exchanges with the comics. O’Rourke cracks, “You’re a sick little group. Thanks for coming out tonight.”

Group-sales events like this are a part of the business model that has kept Harvey’s going, Kolin says. “Our customer base is all over the state. We have people coming up from Grants Pass … all up the I-5 corridor.” Kolin believes in promotions, and regularly offers free tickets to get people in who may not have visited a comedy club before. Harvey’s is unpretentious, Kolin says, adding that his audiences come from “outlying areas, they come in from Salem, Washougal, Gresham, Beaverton. The Pearl isn’t coming to Harvey’s. We do a ton of bachelorette parties in the summertime, and lots of turning-21 parties.”

Over the years, some comics have criticized Kolin for setting limits on what they can say. “I’ve heard people say, ‘Well, he censors shows,'” says Kolin. “I don’t censor shows.

“Here’s the thing: I don’t want the first two comics swearing unless they’re doing it in a joke and they’ve cleared the joke with me, because they set the tone for the whole show and nobody wants to hear swearing for an hour-and-a-half.”

Since Helium Comedy Club opened this summer, Harvey’s is no longer the only game in town when it comes to booking out-of-town talent. Kolin was, he says, a little bothered by a remark he saw from someone associated with Helium. “It was some guy saying Portland hasn’t seen good comedy, or something, and I thought that was a little offensive. We’re bringing in really funny people. When you’ve been doing it for a long time, you’re going to get people that don’t like, for whatever reason, the way you do business. So more power to them.”

Kolin says that he requires “some separation” when it comes to booking local comics who perform at Helium. “If they perform at Helium, I’ve kind of kept it at a year” before he books them at Harvey’s. “Because they’re not going to change their acts,” and in the span of a year, “Hopefully they’ll write a few new bits.” Helium hasn’t hurt his business, Kolin says.

“Overall, it helps the comedy scene in Portland” to have another club, he says. “Comedy has sprung up like karaoke in this town.”

On a recent night at Helium, early-arrivers are having drinks in the lounge area outside the showroom. Hayley Eiden, 26, and friend Sarah Raike, 22, have come for a show featuring headliner Greg Behrendt, a comic and comedy writer best known for co-authoring the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.”

“Portland’s a great scene for comedy,” Eiden says. She and Raike say comedy is a nice alternative to going out to see a band. “Not everybody wants to be chatting over music,” Eiden says. “It’s fun to be entertained.”

The Southeast Hawthorne Helium location is the second outpost for the club, which started in Philadelphia in 2006. After about six months, says owner Marc Grossman, the Philly club hit its stride. “We’ve grown about 20 percent every year since.” With business expanding, Grossman thought about opening a second club. “Portland really popped out for a couple of reasons,” he says, including a high number of Comedy Central viewers.

Since opening in Portland, there have been a few bumps, Grossman says. “We had some issues with staffing, but whenever you start a new business, you have to figure that out. We’ve had some amazing weeks and we’ve had some not-great weeks. Right now, I’m focusing on learning who Portland wants to see.”

The evening’s comics are Portlander Ian Karmel, New Yorker Ryan Conner and Los Angeles-based Behrendt, who sip water in a waiting room before the show.

Karmel thinks part of what has helped build Portland’s comedy scene is the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, the annual event that started in 2008. “It gets a smart crowd,” Karmel says, that follows comedy and wants to see specific performers they like.

As the show begins, audience members are asked to turn off cell phones and to keep talking to a minimum. The comics tell jokes about hating to dance (“When I was 4 years old and watching ‘Footloose,’ I sided with the father”), Facebook, Confederate flags in the South (“The Civil War ended 145 years ago, there’s no need to support the troops anymore”), Behrendt’s degree from University of Oregon, hipsters who drink Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, and the fear of going on Oprah Winfrey’s show (“She has ownership of a large percentage of a gender”).

Andy Wood, who co-founded the Bridgetown Comedy Festival, works for Helium, doing event sales and marketing. He says there’s no rivalry between the veteran Harvey’s and the newcomer Helium.

“It’s a big enough city that both clubs can thrive,” he says. “We feed different needs.

“There’s a lot more talent now,” he says. “And more interest. You don’t have to fight so hard to get people on board to come and see comedy.”

Kristi Turnquist

http://www.oregonlive.com/performance/index.ssf/2010/12/stand-up_comics_do_their_shtic.html

It’s A Hullabaloo!

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, photographed by Rick Rickman

On Thursday, I will be doing a show in Seattle with adorable SF comedy finalist Solomon Georgio, funny ukelelist Barbara Holm, lovable weirdo Derek Sheen and gracious host Rick Taylor at the Holiday Hullabaloo, a benefit for the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.  It’ll be a gay old time at the Jewelbox!  Tickets can be purchased here!

Postscript:  Oh, what a gay old time was had!    Money was raised, drinks were drunk, and I got to perform with drag artists and comics, and in general it was the best time ever. Sexy Jesus and Sexy Santa enjoy a duet- Kenny and James.

This amazing mural appeared in the green room.

Me and my favorite Pete had a great time.

A Performer’s Greatest Tool- Capacity for Rejection, or, The Seattle International Comedy Competition

I recently returned from testing out early from the Seattle International comedy competition.  Going in, I had a lot of goals about how far I would get and how the shows would go. 

In retrospect, one’s first contest should be treated like a first marathon- you just want to get through without shitting yourself.

One perspective-changing opportunity: The reason I thought I had a shot at semifinals was that I think I’m very funny.  What I failed to take into account is that every other person is very funny also.  I felt very lucky to be in such a group- even the people who never made it into the top five, even the guys who regularly were in the bottom five- they were all funny. 

I had heard horror stories about Seattle contest road gigs, about the hayseeds who voted for comics who mimed sex with barstools and pointed out that different socioeconomic and racial groups might dance and speak differently, throwing you into a lot of sturm and drang about art and expression and hackiness, but I really really liked everyone who I was with, and nary a barstool was molested. 

I met beautiful and hilarious Canadian Claire Brosseau and hung out with my old friends Derek Sheen and Travis , and made lotsa new friends.  I got in the top five twice, (once sharing the stage with Claire, which evidently never happens!) participated in a conspiracy hunt, and ran the light once.

In the end, my friend Auggie Smith won the 31st International Seattle Comedy Contest, making a name for himself as the first individual to win Seattle and SF in the same year.  Billy Wayne Davis came in second, and our very funny friend Dax Jordan took bronze, Eddie Pence was fourth, and I got to spend semifinals week at Harvey’s, performing for people who were eating nachos, so it’s like we all won.

* Claire Brosseau, Toronto (quit)
* Mike Drucker, Seattle (very successful writer)
* ‘Big Irish’ Jay Hollingsworth, Seattle (moved to LA, is very large)
* Virginia Jones, Portland (christ who knows)
* Dax Jordan, Portland (LA denizen, Dynasty Typewriter employee)
* Joe List, New York (doing very well! Apparently had vomit on him when we met at this comp)
* Dave Mcdonough, Boston (quit)
* Sean Ottey, Seattle (quit)
* Eddie Pence, Los Angeles (nerd comedy in LA)
* Toby Roberts, Tacoma (oh god who was that)
* Jake Sharon, Denver (Ran into him at Laughlin a few years ago)
* Derek Sheen, Seattle (just opened for Patton Oswalt in Seattle)
* Brent Smalley, Indianapolis (oh Brent!)
* Auggie Smith, Portland (Moved to LA, continues to rule the road, work on Big Sky festival)
* Travis Vogt, Seattle (he’s there!)
* Kortney Shane Williams, Tampa (doing comedy in Seattle, which I am not!)

I Wish You Had A Wishlist

My family and loved ones may sometimes find themselves wondering, does Virginia Jones have an Amazon wishlist?  Yes.  Yes, I do.

Eulogy for a Hate-Filled Cat

Gypsy and her Brother Wrestle on an Ugly Comforter

Gypsy Rose Jones, a half-Siamese black and white shorthair, passed away peacefully in her sleep last night, December 4th.  She was seventeen years old.  She is survived by no-one in her immediate family.

Family History

She survived all of her siblings by ten years.  She was given to me for Christmas in 1993, and was named during a New Year’s Day acid trip in 1994, when we determined that the next image on a television would determine her name.  Gypsy Rose Lee came up, but she could have just as easily been named Morley Safer.  Many people ask how she stayed alive so many years, staying kitten-small and kitten-cute for her whole life.  The answer is that  she was kept alive through the twin furnaces of kibble and hatred. 

If you ever met her, you already know that she hated you with the white-hot passion of a thousand suns.  Perhaps you also bear a whisker-thin white scar where she attacked you while you stroked her glossy black coat.  She also hated and feared her roommate Cosey, whom she lived with for 10 years and who never touched her, but whom she detested to her last moments.

Words To The Wise

Any interaction Gypsy had with a new person was begun with my advisory motto: “Ears go back means I’ll attack.”   My friends used to say things like “Well, you can’t tell what kind of abuse she went through before you adopted her.”  The sad truth is, she came to me straight from her litter.  She only ever knew me.  Anything that’s wrong with her is my fault.   I don’t know what I did, I mean, I used to make her jump through a hoop for POUNCE brand moist cat treats.  Maybe that’s enough.  

I know that she really hated riding cross-country from Texas to Oregon in the back of a Nissan, where even though she was medicated, she meowed every minute for the whole drive.

  Meow.  Meow.  Meow.

  The meows only decreased slightly in intensity and volume when she had a snootful of kitty Valium, which is the same as human Valium, but I did not tell her that.  She already hated me by then.  She really hated her brother Biggles, a Boston Terrier whom she outlived by several months.  I think surviving Mr. Biggles was her ultimate revenge, unless it was dying with her eyes open, which was incredibly creepy.  I think the only things she liked were catnip, leftover Thanksgiving turkey, and sitting on top of the warm, smooth surface of the stereo receiver.  Fare thee well, Gypsy.

Radio Schmuck

One Of Many Reasons Radio Shack Is Gone

Last Tuesday, Portland temperatures hit 18 degrees Fahrenheit.  My GPS mount froze and broke in two.  How many other tiny tragedies are overlooked in the Snowpocalypse?  I went to Radio Shack and was presented with two equally crappy-looking aftermarket options to mount my GPS. Blindly, I picked one and left.
The next day I returned it, for the simple reason that the mount never stayed up on my windshield, not even for a whole minute.  I was very proud that I had remembered to bring my receipt, and waved it around in a vague attempt to impress the employees.  I then enjoyed the following conversation.

EMPLOYEE: And what’s wrong with it?

ME: It never held my GPS up, not even for a minute.
EMPLOYEE: And did you bring the packaging?
ME: Oh, sorry, no I didn’t.  It was all hacked up, anyway.

EMPLOYEE: Well, but now we can’t re-sell it.
ME: Well, that’s good.  It didn’t work, not even for a minute.
EMPLOYEE:  I’ll have to check with my manager.
ME: Well, I think that’s do-able.  He’s the only other person in the store.
And now, part two:

MANAGER: So, I understand you want to return this accessory-what’s wrong with it?

ME: It never held my GPS up, not even for a minute.
MANAGER: And did you bring the packaging?
ME: Oh, sorry, no I didn’t.  It was all hacked up, anyway.

MANAGER: Well, but now we can’t re-sell it.
ME: Well, that’s good.  It didn’t work, not even for a fucking minute.
MANAGER: Well, we’re supposed to repackage and re-sell returns.
ME: Okay.  Sorry.  (Stands in silence)
MANAGER and EMPLOYEE talk together.

Exciting Finale

Eventually, I am allowed to go pick out the other crappy-looking GPS mount system.  I notice that my first, gooseneck model has two taped-up returns on the wall that didn’t fucking work.  I guess they’re just looking for people to buy them who either lose their receipts, or don’t really need to look at a GPS, or those who die suddenly in strange lands, holding a non-working GPS mount.
The new mount works fine, though.  But I still have the receipt and the packaging, and also I have cleaned and packed up the outfit I wore to the store that day, just in case I need that, too.