Author: badinia

Virginia Jones is a comedian, writer, and actor- probably in that order.

Adventures in Casinos- Spirit Mountain Edition!

I told a secret to a wolf at Spirit Mountain Casino.
Last night I did comedy with one of my favorite ladies, Susan Rice, at Spirit Mountain Casino in Grand Ronde. It was one of those shows where we performed to people who did not know they were being performed to, and who mostly just wanted to eat oversized desserts and then go put their money in plasma-screen slot machines. However, we soldiered on, had fun, and kept PG-13 rating.

I got up this morning to head home, using my food voucher to secure a soy latte for the road. It is never clearer that I am far from home than when I visit a casino coffee shop.br /I was sold a bagel, which was wearing a sticker proudly proclaiming that it was fresh on Tuesday. I decided not to eat it, but it functioned very well in the car as kind of a cinnamon-raisin air freshener. They do have soy milk- score!- but the barista asks if I have a food allergy, or if I “make a choice” not to drink milk. I explain to her that I am a total pain-in-the-ass vegan. People really seem to prefer when it’s not a moral stance. I also have a personalized coffee cup with all my favorite stuff on it that I got at Star*ucks, and carry from town to town like a security blanket- if you want the same one, you can download the art here, or use it as a template for your own amazing tumbler! As I handed it over, the very sincere barista asked if I would mind if she made my coffee in a paper cup, like regular, and then poured it into my travel cup. I pointed out to her sweetly, that really doesn’t save a tree, does it? And she said, oooooh. I guess not!

Nothing can prepare you for casino life. Wolf shirts are worn without irony. People smoke cigarettes INSIDE. You think you can take it? I’d like to see you try!

My Beloved Chariots Of Rubber Recap


Jeffrey Wonderful and “Private” Mike Albano’s lovechild, Chariots of Rubber, has completed its first run, and it was a rollercoaster of fun and excitement at Theater Theatre.

They say that the rougher the dress rehearsal, the better the first show will be- in our last dress rehearsal, this young man, the lead in the play, broke his nose on a prop car:

During the first show, an audience member joined us onstage to take her clothes off until her boyfriend and Jordaina helped her offstage, him murmuring “You’re not in the show. You’re not in it.” During the second show, another audience member came onstage during the same scene. I guess it just…moves people? The best backstage line was dancer Kimberly’s immortal remark as she was about to go onstage, “Omigod, I got no panties on!”
Second run: (on tiny leather panties) “Are these too slutty for the show?” and the answer is: NOTHING is too slutty for this show.
For dress rehearsal as Cindy, I was told my dress was “not whorish enough”, which is the first time that’s ever happened.

All in all, we sold out three shows, entertained members of the Dandy Warhols, Karaoke from Hell, and other local luminaries, broke a prop bed, passed a headcold to each other, and generated 5000 watts of ROCK. I’m already looking forward to the reprise in August!

CHUBBER ATTACK!


I want you to know about the premiere of
Portland’s first Heavy Metal Musical, Chariots of Rubber, written by
Jeffrey Wonderful and “Private” Mike Albano. It has been in
rehearsals for over a year, and finally, this strange fruit ripens!
It is Grease meets Hedwig meets West Side Story meets Rocky Horror
meets Julian Sand’s Warlock, and it is fantastic.I play Gas Station Attendant #2, a drug-addled lesbian, in a a heavy
metal musical about love, loss and demolition derby in Coos Bay, OR.
I will be singing, dancing, “acting”, and wearing a wig. There will be smoke, cars, carnage, singing, a rock band, talking nipples, sign
language, and blood. Also, you know how colorblind casting was a big deal in modern theatre? This show has genderblind casting!
The premiere is Thursday, July 23rd at 10:15 at Theater, Theatre on
Belmont for $15.
Chariots of Rubber
will run through the weekend (Friday the 24th and Saturday the 25th) and again Aug 13/14/15. You can cash-check-paypal them! Write me
write me write me at badinia@badinia.com! 100 people a night will witness this phenomenon,
and everyone else will just have to gnash their little teeth!

Mercury reviews it here as “subtlety-free theatre.” Har!

www.chariotsofrubber.com is up, courtesy of the wonderful Pete Ellison.

SECRET EXTRA POSTSCRIPT:

They say that the rougher the dress rehearsal, the better the show- well, we had a lead actor break his NOSE. Beat that! We might hypmotize ’em!

What’s That Smell?

At long last, after much gnashing of teeth and clashing of swords, the opening of Jeffrey Wonderful’s CHARIOTS OF RUBBER has been announced.

It debuts in the Arena stage at Theatre Theater on Belmont on one month from today on Thursday, July 23rd!
I’m dancing in it, and have also recently gotten a speaking role- watch me tear up the stage as Gas Station Attendant #2!
This is the ultimate Portland Rock & Roll Musical. The stories of fate and failure in Coos County demolition derby, featuring an original soundtrack, a live band, blood, cross-dressing cops, supernatural sisters, and in general comporting itself like Grease meets Hedwig and the Angry Inch! CHARIOTS OF RUBBER is an all original, heavy-metal musical about friendship, love and loss at the demolition derby.
Written and directed by Jeffrey Wonderful, Music By Private Mike Albano performed by Jedediah Aaker, Keith Bornzin,Dylan Skiles.

Set to an ALL ORIGINAL score, Chariots of Rubber is performed by Portland rockers.

Jen Shepard as the hooker Cindy “Portland’s Erotic Pleaser”

Donny Don’t debuts as Crash

Seantos McDonald as Bow Tuck

Jarud Meyer as Tommy

and Rob Taylor as Tommy’s Mother.

The posters and flyers have been printed for the show, and we have been generating tags to add to the info-

*Dancing so hot, our choreographer’s pregnant!
*What if I get a b*ner?
*It’s a little car! You can stand on it!

Grimly Fiendish

In case you are sitting on lots of holiday cash and don’t know what to do, I wanted to point out that Dave Vanian of seminal (huh huh) punk band The Damned has co-founded a high-end goffic makeup line called Illamasqua. Who better to do it than Dave? He’s been blending clown white and smudging black liner since Billy Joe Armstrong’s parents argued over whether the condom would hold. Anyway, Dave’s makeup line is is the culmination of my dreams in many ways.
Awesome things about Dave:

1. He is married to Patricia Morrison, formerly the bassist of Sisters of Mercy, and together they are the gothest couple ever. Everyone else should give up.

2. He once threatened to beat the tar out of Bauhaus’ Peter Murphy, for copying his “Vampire schtick”, not realizing that there was enough of it to go around for the UK, Germany, and the States for many years to come.

3. I have been in love with him, body and soul, since I was fifteen years old. All five foot six of him.

4. Screw you, Patricia Morrison!

Ladies’ Rock Camp and the Birth Of Furious Yellow

For many years, I have been playing mediocre rhythm guitar. I used to play with my band, Sadly Deluded, and I would tell jokes and play songs until someone suggested that I could just tell jokes and I wouldn’t have to haul a guitar around. I have always wanted to be a better guitar player, so I decided to force myself to practice guitar more by signing up for ladies’ rock camp. It didn’t actually work that way, and so I showed up with baby-soft fingers to play on for eight hours a day, which then hurt like bejeezus all weekend. My fault.

My former band’s logo, designed by the fantastic Francisco Garcia

Ladies’ Rock Camp is very fast paced- you show up, eat lunch, form a band, take a class for your instrument, and start writing a song.

When asked what kind of band I wanted, I couldn’t think of the term for the music I like so I just said “Mope Rock”. I still can’t think of a better word for the music I like.
Something strange about Rock Camp is the almost unremitting positivity and support of the other campers and staff. I think now that I have been selling myself short as a mediocre guitar player. I’m at least an average guitar player.

It was kind of uncomfortable, since I am used to stand-up, in which friendships are based on tearing each other down in public or private.


I had a moment I think might have been life-changing- we had been rehearsing our song over and over, and for a minute I was just playing it on my own, and I thought, “This doesn’t sound as good as it does with the rest of my band,” and that’s the first time I’ve ever thought anything of the sort.


 We named ourselves Furious Yellow, and our lead bass player made us matching 1″ buttons.
We wrote a song about breaking up, and sketched out our first EP:

Title: I Am Furious Yellow

Songlist:

Confirm or Deny
The Blood Of These Whores Is Killing Me
Doublewide Coffin (a coffin built for two)
Let Go Of The Cremains
My Hands Are Made Of Meat
I Still Have Your Knee Socks From Thanksgiving

Fun Facts About Furious Yellow:

Three members from Cali, one from Idaho, and one Portlander
We’re so heavy, we need two bass players
Our lead bassist has been to Rock Camp four times. She features in an article from the London Guardian on ladies’ rock camp in 2006!

Two blue-eyed, two green-eyed, one brown-eyed lady.

Five band members, and THREE tap dancers! What are the odds?

I was given a rainbow guitar strap, which I thought was appropriate because my Telecaster is at least bi-curious.
After the show at Satyricon, Furious Yellow was very tired and stinky and our fingers hurt, so we drank alcohol until we felt better.


If you like music and are a lady, I really recommend this camp. It is approximately the most fun thing ever.