Ten seconds of fame, from years ago- I was excited that my own pink-haired blatherings were chosen to intro a video of Neil Gaiman reading Neil Gaiman stories to Neil Gaiman fans. I love him, even though he’s the man who made black leather look a little LARP-y.
If you are ever not sure if you are drunk, the Oregon Liquor Control Commission would like to help you with this downloadable list titled 50 Signs of Visible Intoxication.
For your enjoyment and education:
1. Slurred Speech
2. Swaying, Staggering, or Stumbling
3. Unable To Sit Straight
4. Bloodshot, Glassy Eyes
5. Loud, Noisy Speech
6. Speaking Loudly, Then Quietly
7. Drinking Too Fast
8. Ordering Doubles
9. Careless With Money
10. Buying Rounds For Strangers or the House
11. Annoying Other Guests or Employees
12. Complaining About Prices
13. Complaining About Drink Strength or Preparation
14. Argumentative
15. Aggressive or Belligerent
16. Obnoxious or Mean
17. Making Inappropriate Comments about Others
18. Crude Behavior
19. Inappropriate Sexual Advances
20. Foul Language
21. Making Irrational Statements
22. Becoming Depressed or Sullen
23. Crying or Moody
24. Extreme or Sudden Change in Behavior
25. Overly animated or Entertaining (is there such a thing as too much fun?)
26. Drowsiness
27. Drinking Alone
28. Lack of Focus and Eye Contact
29. Bravado, Boasting
30. Difficulty Remembering
31. Rambling Train of Thought
32. Slow Response to Questions or Comments
33. Spilling Drinks
34. Trouble Making Change
35. Difficulty Handling Money
36. Difficulty Lighting Cigarettes
37. Lighting More Than One Cigarette
38. Letting Cigarette Burn Without Smoking
39. Clumsy
40. Difficulty Standing Up
41. Boisterous
42. Bumping Into Things
43. Falling Off Of Chair
44. Falling Asleep
45. Can’t Find Mouth With Glass
46. Falling Down
47. Walking Strangely
48. Disheveled Clothing
49. Overly Friendly to Other Guests or Employees
50. Smells of Alcohol!
This is a good list, my favorites for my own use including 5, 17, 25, 48, 29, and 33, and sometimes 41, 31, and 20 even when I haven’t been drinking. However, I think that there are some good universal rules of thumb that they might consider including in future editions of the list. I posit that the following are also fail safe indicators of drunkeness:
51. Dancing for undetermined or inadequate reason
52. Demanding to hear Prince, even in the absence of a sound system
53. Groups of five girls trying to sing a karaoke song that only one of them knows.
54. And she doesn’t have the microphone
55. If it’s from the Grease soundtrack, doubly so
56. Nostalgic statements about television of the 1980s, desire for various bands to get back together and tour.
57. Feats of Strength
58. Longing for Pancakes
59. Temporary Lesbianism
60. Stories from High School
61. Accessorizing for humorous effect
62. Tolerance for techno music
63. Bets and Dares
64. Repeats themselves
65. In possession of OLCC list with several things checked off
66. Covered in blood and feathers
67. Repeats themselves
68. Exists in more than 4 dimensions
69. Wears an ankh (sorry, that’s top 50 signs of being a goth)
70. Is a goth
71. Repeats themselves
72. Believes they are drinking their drink, but are sipping wax out of a bar candle.
73. Says: “I’m so drunk.”
74. Lists the drinks they have had.
75. Any one of the drinks is named after genitals or a sex act.
76. Forgets how many drinks they have had, and decides to start the count over.
77. Forms, joins or quits a band
78. Turns red, falls asleep in Dante’s*
79. Sings along to a song in one’s head
80. Is a zombie but is not interested in brains.
81. Is observed hitting on a musician
82. Is observed hitting on the bartender
83. Is observed hitting on a comedian (very poor judgement at this stage)
84. Is observed hitting on the DJ (time to call the ambulance, this happens right before unconsciousness)
I hope that this helps everyone in the future!
*Only applies to S.B
Many many years ago, an “afflicted” young man picked up a guitar and threw it on the floor while muttering something about Webster’s Emmanuel Lewis. Thus, the Dutch Treats were born. The Dutch Treats achieved legendary underground status in their twin hometowns of Denton and Dallas, Texas since first “playing out” in 1990, and later took Brooklyn, NY by storm, filling the storm drains with absurd rockin’ goodness until it flowed out into the streets. Seventeen years of songs about Chewbacca, Men at Work’s Colin Hay, underage crack whores, dwarves, elves, and wizards later, they are debuting in Portland at the revival of the Hive at Plan B on Sunday, September 2.
And here’s the world-famous video for the Dutch Treats song, Close Your Robe. It’s been banned in fifteen countries, and all of Scandinavia.
Come enjoy the music of the man who taught us that bacon+Dr. Pepper=ROCK.
Postscript: What can be said about the event of the century? If you can’t put your finger on what made it so special, go to Wikipedia and cross-reference “annoyed bike messengers who thought they had booked the room for a party” with “confused, overheated goths” and “drinking adventure!” Johnny Murder, consummate professional, played a great set for his fans.
I am happy to report I got to see my hero, Eddie Izzard, do a show in Seattle last weekend. I was surprised that the ever-helpful Seattle Stranger curiously promoted the (sold-out) show as being titled “Work in Progress”, as it actually was a work in progress. No merch, no tour, no makeup or Uma Thurman breasts (which Wikipedia claims his Sexie rack was modeled from). This set had ramblings about history, language, war, 300, sharks, Wikipedia, Alien, and a fly that hit him in the face onstage. If it sounds like established Eddie, it is, but with new directions, ideas and punchlines, and further honing of his own Eddie-ness.
He got a little upset at the PNW tendency of the crowd to scream “WHOO!” at random times, “stemming his flow”, but I hope that he understood on some level that we are just so filled with love for him that it occasionally escapes our bodies with a high-pitched “woo” noise. I was so excited that I didn’t have to fly to El Lay to see one of these, I didn’t mind driving from Portland and back in 24 hours.
I had to get back to town to do a comedy workshop with the guy who books for Letterman, veteran comedy scenester Eddie Brill. It was super-great and educational, and he told me about visiting a comedy club that Eddie Izzard ran in London, which may be called Screaming Blue Murder, and I didn’t know ever existed. After spending the day working on my act with him, I now feel free to drop his name at every opportunity. Example: “Well, as my good personal friend Eddie Brill, Letterman’s comedy booker, says: I’d love a Grande Soy Latte.”
Update: A couple of years later, Eddie Brill lost his job booking for Letterman because when asked why there had only been 8 female comics in the history of the show, he said that those were the only women who were funny. He did hundreds of these comedy workshops, and none of those comics ever got booked on Letterman. Later, Letterman retired, one day we will all be dead, etc.
I got to see one of my favorite people at the Crystal Ballroom last night. He made a Depeche Mode joke, got one of his fans onstage to do part of a song, and wore every jeweled brooch available in the Pacific Northwest. He claims to love Portland as much as we love him. Answers to unasked questions:
Q. Who is winning in the Rufus fanbase, gay men or poetry-writing teenaged girls?
A. Do you want that answer based on individual number or combined weight?
Q. Who is slightly more gay than Rufus Wainwright?
A. Rufus Wainwright dressed as Judy Garland.
Q. What will a line of people waiting to get into the Crystal Ballroom steadfastly refuse to chant?
A. “The Roof! The Roof! The Rufus on Fire!”
Anyway, it was wonderful and very theatrical. Another musician’s son opened, his name was Lemon or Lenin or something. He did one song that sounded like the Muppet Show hit, The Rainbow Connection. What’s he trying to do, out-gay Rufus? I don’t think so, brother.
Oh! Wikipedia claims that Rufus is a descendant of Dutch colonist Peter Stuyvestant, and according to my family, so am I. O cousin Rufus!
Postscript: A handsome gentleman let me know that after the show let out at one ayem, Rufus serenaded the late-night crowd at Silverado with karaoke until closing time. I wish I had the energy of young people!
At long long long long last, the Portland Amateur Comedy Contest is over! It’s over, there’s no more contest! It’s over, it’s over! I’m number two! I’m really happy. I’m happy it’s over. The final results are:
1. Richard Bain.
2. Virginia Jones and Nathan Brannon tied for #2
3. Veronica Heath, professional!
4. Tim Cornett, Auslander!
If you came out, thanks so much! Especially Sul, who got lost and then still came. Really and truly, having so many friends there made me the real winner. Please enjoy this video, which will answer the question, “What if I could look up her nose on the Internet?”
I am proud to announce that my sister, a week after moving to Noo Yawk, has landed a gig as David Blaine’s P.A. She is on call 24 hours a day to pick up his magic pants and get his magic coffee. I was then in the position where I had to explain to my mother who David Blaine is. I went with: he’s a magician who doesn’t so much do tricks as he performs feats of putting up with extreme inconvenience, such as living in a fishbowl or starving above London in a glass box, or indeed living in New York City. And then she asked me a question that I can’t answer: “In what way does that make him a magician?”