Men, your dating pics suck!
Why is your ex in your photo? That sucks.
Why are you on a car? That looks stupid.
Why are you holding a fish? That straight sucks.
Why don’t you have any decent photos of yourself?
Let us help you to help yourself.
The audition asked for 50’s style plus-sized glamour queens who would be mean to their worshipful boyfriends. This is my jam. I frequently get calls for big booty ladies. Totally fine.
The director (of the music video) is half of a popular absurdist Adult Swim comedy duo Tim and Eric. I thought it would be pretty cool to work for him.
They asked actresses to audition in lingerie, which is again, fine.
I went to the waiting room and waited with five other bodacious ladies, most bigger than me, one smaller but very pinup looking.
One girl goes in and comes out and reports to the group, uh, they want you to bend over and they film your butt. We all process that, and another girl leaves. I’m more curious than ever. I’ve seen Wareheim’s video for Pon the Floor and it’s very funny/surreal and it has a lot of butts in it.
One lady leaves halfway through her audition. She said, I couldn’t do that, man. She walks out before I find out what she couldn’t do. Is it the same thing that Meatloaf couldn’t do?
The next lady comes out and basically mocks the women who left, she said, I’ve had it way worse, this is fine. It’s the petite pinup lady.
It’s my turn, I’m in a room with four white dudes and they say, we want to show you the concept art so we don’t waste each other’s time, and they show me paintings by Namio Harukawa of large women sitting on dude’s faces, and they ask, hey, are you cool with this? Sitting on a man’s face? And I said, am I cool with making porn?
And they said, no, it’s not porn. I said, well, I’m ok with simulated sex, but what is simulated about this?
One guy says, well, there’ll be a dental dam in between you.
I ask, if I have sex with a condom, isn’t that sex? I need to have pants between me and a stranger’s face. Underpants, minimum.
This whole conversation is dumb anyway, because the reason I wanted to be in this video with Famous Ironic Misogynist is so I could put it in my reel, and I don’t think a clip of me riding face is going to get me the acting work I want.
I see the next day that they “extended casting” to get some more “adventurous ladies”. If anyone’s listening, I suggest you change the call to read “We need you to park your naked keister on a dude’s face.” There’s plenty of porn actresses that would be delighted to do it, for their day rate! Don’t cheap out, cheap-os! Hollywood!
Update: the video is out, it’s Dripping by Blonde Redhead, and it’s beautifully lit and shot- and super NSFW.
I don’t dislike kink or this kind of art, I just resent that I was being sold it like it was a non-union acting gig. I’m a little tired of the trope of misogyny/sexualizing/mocking of plus sized women that Wareheim seems to work exclusively in. That joke isn’t funny anymore, as the sometimes plus-sized Morrissey sang.
Adventures in Lyft Driving:
I had a short drive with a Thai dude this morning and after a brief chat, I asked him-
Me:OK, I’ve been to Bangkok but I only know sa wa dee ka, hello, and kop-khun ka, thank you. Will you teach me another expression in Thai?
Him: How do you know I am Thai?
Me: Your name has thirty letters in it and most of them are k’s and t’s. Will you teach me to say “good-bye?”
Him: OK, I’ll teach you the formal one: it’s Chan rak khun.
Me: OK, I know khun.
Him: That means you.
Me: OK, cool, so it’s like “goodbye to you”. Like the Scandal song.
Him: Yes, lemme hear you say it.
Me: Chan..rak..khun!
Him: That’s very good!
Me: Thank you! Here’s your destination! Kop khun and chan rak khun!
Him: You’re welcome and I love you too!
Me: Dying laughing. That asshole.
Picked up a nice drunk couple from a bar, they were on a Lyft Line so I headed to pick up the next person.
Girl: You’re going the wrong way.
Me: Oh, we’re gonna go pick up Nicole real quick!
Girl: Who the fuck is Nicole?
Guy: Oh, honey, I did Lyft Line
Girl: What the fuck is Lyft Line?
Guy: It’s like Uber Pool.
Me: Save a couple bucks, reduce traffic!
Girl: You cheap FUCK.
Guy: Hon, are you really mad? We’re not in a hurry…
(a few moments pass, we talk about other stuff, having fun)
Girl: Why are you going east?
Me: We’re…gonna pick up Nicole real quick?
Girl: Who the fuck is Nicole?
Me: She’s..the next rider on the Lyft line?
Girl: What the fuck is Lyft Line? She sounds, sorry to say this, like a c*nt.
Guy: Um…don’t say c*nt?
Girl: And you can ignore him. He’s never even been in a threeway. I’ve been in like thirty.
Me: That sounds like a real calling!
Girl: Plus, he’s the only dude I’ve dated who hasn’t wanted to move in after six months! What the fuck is that?
Guy: Uh.
Me: (Trying to lighten the mood) Well, those other dudes were codependents! I’ve dated guys for six months before I put their names in my phone!
Girl: WHAT the FUCK are you SAYING I want to GET OUT
Me: Oh, here’s Nicole!
Girl: Hi Nicole, where are you going?
Nicole: To No Vacancy!
Girl: Oh cool that’s a cool place to go to get fucked by a 27 year old guy with no job
Nicole: OK?
Me: Ok, you guys are almost to your destination!
Girl: I don’t wanna go to his house. Can you drop me at my house (gives address)
Me: Well…I can’t actually change destination on lyft line, because, you know, we have to head near where Nicole is going.
Girl: You cheap fuck!
Me: (Last attempt at humor) No fighting in the cab!
Girl: I don’t want to go to his house EVER AGAIN!
Guy: (whispering) are you serious right now?
Girl: FUCK YOU YOU CHEAP JEW FUCK. AND FUCK THIS DRIVER. AND NICOLE THERE’S BAR LUBITSCH IT’S A GREAT PLACE TO GET FUCKED BY A RUSSIAN DUDE.
Nicole: I don’t think I’m looking for that.
Me: (silence)
Me: (SFX screeching brakes) OK here you are! Thanks so much!
(They get out, fighting because she wants to break up with him for doing rideshare)
Nicole: What the fuck was that
Me: Sorry, I know!
Confidential to Aaron: You’re a nice dude and I think you can do better!
Many thanks to my anonymous friend Zeke Shandy for this excellent question:
“After ten years of internet dating, I’m still, I guess, awful at it. How do I break the ice with a woman online?”
There are as many different approaches as there are women in the world. I’d like to offer some advice based on my own internet dating experiences. Not showing off, but I’ve been single a lot. Lots and lots.
OKCupid released a study last year claiming it’s a numbers game, and the best bet for men is to send as many messages as possible. They claim that blasting “Hey, how are you?” to five hundred women will get more first responses than spending the time to actually try to connect with fifty women.
This is lazy: a person who is putting forth the absolute minimum effort annoys me. This also includes “Hey.” “Howdy.” “What’s up.” “How’s your weekend.” That approach employs the math of internet dating: trying to attract as many potential mates as possible so that you can sort through them later.
I am a proponent of an old fashioned idea that you might like someone because you found their personality attractive, and you don’t wish to go on 500 dates with people who just ask how your weekend was.
This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message online. We discovered it was the same message. I know the internet makes it feel like there are infinite numbers of single women to talk to, but there aren’t. We called him on it and he said I have to send too many messages to women, I can’t write them all individually. Well, ok, perhaps our bots can date?
This is lots easier on sites like OK Cupid and Match.com with its questions and essays than it is on Tinder or other visual-based apps- where it’s easy to make initial connections, but hard to maintain ‘em. After you’ve established that you’re both people who love standing in front of painted angel wings, where do you go from there? Get her talking about an interest you have in common!
This feels slightly stalkery and also responding to it will feel like work. Keep in mind that we’re probably tapping out responses on phones while waiting in line for coffee, so brevity is good!
I get a lot of super non-committal messages. If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t. Easy!
After a couple of days of back-and-forth but no plans, I’ll stop responding. I’m a person with a finite amount of time on this earth and I can’t spend it telling twenty people how my weekend was.
I’ve had a ton of trouble with this, but if I haven’t met you, I don’t feel safe giving you my number. Please respect my boundary. I know not all men will text with crazy abuse and dick pics, but it happens enough that I established a policy.
If you’ve just started talking to someone, it might feel fun to immediately talk about the terrible experiences you’ve had on the dating scene, or how you specifically DON’T like something in her profile. I don’t know where to go from there. There’s so many ways to make a conversation fun, so try one of them!
Try and ask a question that you’d be interested in hearing the answer to, and then write something back when she responds! If you just respond to her last message “OK” , don’t be surprised when you don’t hear back.
I assume if you’re writing me, you think I’m attractive. Having a stranger dwell on your looks, particularly your body, is off-putting.
Sexual attention is not welcome from a stranger. I know my friend Zeke wouldn’t do it, and you shouldn’t either. I know it feels like a compliment to tell a lady you’re thinking about motorboating them tits, but it isn’t.
I know internet dating is hard. It can feel like work. It’s hard to share a little of yourself with another person, but it’s the only way to get any good out of it. Ultimately, we’re all here to connect and learn and have good experiences! Good luck, Zeke!
Anyone with a question can DM me on Facebook or Twitter, where I am @badiniadones!
– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/how-do-i-talk-to-a-girl-in-2016-the-internet-edition/3/#sthash.ndChtkQI.dpuf
Today is 10 years since I first did stand up comedy in Portland at the Boiler Room with Gabe Dinger, Kevin Michael Moore, Bobby Hacker, Richard Bain, Kyle Harbert, Jimmy Newstetter, and Randy Mendez.
Hardly any of those guys do comedy anymore and the karaoke bar is now a Starbucks. I moved to Los Angeles and the beat goes on.
Ten years is thrown around as the time it takes to really find your voice as a comic and become consistent. I think I had my voice early on, but I will say I have a confidence in my writing that I didn’t used to have. We’ll see how the next ten years goes.
Here’s my stand up two years in.
Here’s my lid-blowing post about my first time.
In the beginning, there was kissing. Lots and lots of sweet, hot, open-mouthed kissing. And it was good. We’d walk around in a daze after hours of it. And then we moved to second base. And lo, it was also pretty good. Bras were stuffed under couches, not to be seen again until moving day. Slowly, a bunch of kids who knew next to nothing about baseball moved towards a home run- and many of us never looked back.
Look, almost everyone likes sex. Presidents and college students and married people all like it and think it’s great. But whatever happened to just making out? You know, getting hot and heavy, kissing until your mouth is all tingly and puffy, feeling hands inching ever closer towards the edge of your bra- it’s fun and super hot!
Kissing reduces cortisol, a stress chemical in the body. Fifteen minutes of kissing measurably reduces levels of cortisol in academic laboratory make-out tests. Kissing and making out releases all kinds of feel-good chemicals and hormones, including oxytocin, the love drug. That makes making out a natural painkiller, and it also bonds you to a new person or an established partner. Men like kissing because it’s a way to introduce more testosterone into women’s systems, which makes sex even sexier. Women like kissing men because it’s a way to assess their appropriateness as a biological mate. We’re usually looking for people whose genetic makeup is dissimilar to one’s own, which makes for stronger offspring. Kissing and pheromones transfer a lot of that information about another person- unfortunately, kissing can’t help determine whether one still uses a skateboard as their main mode of transportation.
Kissing is done with one’s eyes closed, not just because it’s a social norm, but because kissing provides so much great information and stimulation it’s better to cut down on visual stimuli- also, because while you’re kissing, your partner probably looks like they have one big eye in the middle of their forehead.
For single people, kissing and making out packs a lot of the same heart-stopping thrills as sex, but without the downsides of one-time hookups- there’s virtually no STD or pregnancy scares, and it’s not as embarrassing to run into someone you made out with once at the Trader Joe’s. If you’ve just started seeing someone, think about making out a time or two before you start having sex- you’ll be more comfortable with each other and probably have even more fun building intimacy and looking forward to the main course.
For couples, making out makes sex hotter- building anticipation and just having fun with each other. Try making rules- set a ten minute timer that’s only for kissing, then another timer that’s only for touching each other, and so on- by the time you get to sex you’ll be completely bonkers and have a wonderful time!
Making out can be done with your clothes on, or mostly on, so you can do it in a car or in a gazebo, in a movie theater or methadone clinic, or lots of places it wouldn’t be that great to have sex. It’s not polite to do in a Denny’s, but many have.
In closing, the next time you’re with someone you’re into, consider making more out of making out!
– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/make-mine-a-make-out/2/#sthash.LWPRjl8h.dpuf