Author: badinia

Virginia Jones is a comedian, writer, and actor- probably in that order.

Gothic American is EVERYWHERE!

Bandcamp: Listen for free, or order it for seven bucks!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

Itunes:

https://itun.es/us/uZwm_

Spotify:

Pandora:

http://www.pandora.com/virginia-jones/gothic-american

Top Review: 5*

Artful comedy with soul- Virginia knows who she is.  Her comedy is exactly what good art should be, the sum total of the artists’ experience, soaked in impactful emotions and presented with a cohesive voice honed from years of focus and dedication to the form.  Virginia’s fans know, and now you can learn just how smart, funny and willing to poke fun at herself this jewel of the comedy scene sis.  Even her dick jokes are original!  Do you know how hard that is?  Buy this album!

My Last Alcoholic

My Last Alcoholic

I don’t like to say that my family is all alcoholics, but we have pretty strong numbers.  My grandfather was dead at 45, his liver rotted through, leaving behind a small family and a whole town of party buddies who thought he was really great.  It’s an established fact that alcoholism runs through families.  It doesn’t necessarily breed other alcoholics, but it breeds codependents and nurturers and excuse makers and people who seek out alcoholics as partners.

I’m not an alcoholic, and my sister isn’t, but we find ‘em and we date ‘em.  It’s what we’re good at.  She is of the opinion that there’s no man in the world who’s not an alcoholic, because she hadn’t met one yet.

I can tell when someone is an alcoholic or an addict without ever seeing them use. It is my superpower, because if you are an alcoholic or addict active in your addiction,

  1. I will find you attractive.  I will feel that magical flutter in my chest that only happens in the movies and which I now associate with fear.
  1. Alcoholics will tell you the same stories over and over, and they forget the things you tell them, because they weren’t listening. They tell you things when they’re drunk and they don’t remember when they’re sober.  This is your problem.
  1. Alcoholics may brush with greatness, but sometimes they don’t seem to have achieved very much. Maybe they were nearly in a big band, or they used to be in one, or made some great art when they were younger, but now they’re 40 and call themselves a photographer but the last time they took a picture was last year sometime, or they just keep losing job after job because everyone else is a JERK.
  1. Alcoholics don’t prioritize sex. Personally, I love sex, and if I love you, I really want to have sex with you, lots of it.  Alcoholics might have sex with you if they are able to after the bar closes and if there’s no booze in the house.  And that’s abnormal.  Science tells us that healthy men will prioritize sex over food, over sleep, over personal safety- but not over addiction.
  1. Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because nothing is ever their fault. If you hang around long enough, everything will become your fault.

6. Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because they are so charming and wonderful, and when they are nice to you, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, and it covers you in warmth and light, and when it turns off it feels like the planet Hoth. Alcoholics are two different people. You think that once they stop drinking, the bad selfish lying part will go away and the sweet smart creative will stay behind and love you, but the fact is that the second thing is a fiction that allows the first thing to survive.  The mean drunk is who they really are.

My last alcoholic was a super smart very handsome photographer that had been a TA for twenty years and wasn’t sure what had happened. He came to visit me from San Francisco and suggested we go to a bar in LA, and at the bar in a city where he didn’t live, everyone knew his name.  So I was concerned.

We had a couple drinks and some fun chit-chat and I told him I was ready to go home.  WINK.  You know, to have sex.   And he told me he was ready to have a couple more drinks.   And I said OK.  He was on vacation.   I would like to remind you: he was super hot.

Finally, the bar closes. We go back to my house.  We go to bed.  And we started to have the first sex.  Of our new connection.  First time.  All the heat.  All the desire.  I was on top.  I looked down at this man.  His eyes were closed.  He was transported by desire.    His eyes stayed closed.  For kind of a long time.  I leaned in to check.  He was snoring gently.  He had fallen asleep.  Not his dick.  Everything from the dick back was asleep.

I dismounted, expertly, passing one leg over his body to not disturb him.

He woke up a moment later, I guess because his cock was cold.

He smiled and started making love to me again, and was looking very handsome.  His dark, beautiful eyes locked onto mine, and then gently fell closed as he fell on top of me.  He was asleep again.

You know the old saying, fall asleep inside me once, trick’s on me, fall asleep in me twice, I’m going to pull the condom off and throw it away and go to sleep.

He woke up in the morning and turned to me and said, “I’m starting to think I have a problem with alcohol.”  And I said “yep”.  And he said, “you’re not even going to pause on that? You’re just going to say yep?”  And I looked in his beautiful face and I said, “I hope you have a nice drive home.  I hope you do examine your relationship with alcohol.   I’ve unfriended you on Facebook and blocked your phone number.  You are my last alcoholic.  Goodbye.”

The blessed lesson from this experience is: I know I don’t have to ask whether someone is or is not an alcoholic.  If this article was familiar to you, you don’t either.

I don’t have to wonder what life would be like with that person.  I know what it’s like.

I don’t have to ask whether I could help them stop drinking.  I know that’s not my responsibility.

And I don’t have to keep them in my life if they don’t want to get better.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/you-are-my-last-alcoholic-relationship/#sthash.XlWtzcEE.dpuf

My Premiere Album: GOTHIC AMERICAN!

This is my comedy album, Gothic American, on Bandcamp, available to stream or buy! Also look for me on Spotify, Youtube, Amazon, Pandora, Itunes, and every damn place!

Gothic American!

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I’m so excited to announce the release of my first album on Itunes today!

http://itunes.apple.com/album/id1060203732?ls=1&app=itunes

You can also buy a lovely autographed CD from me with additional art from Pete Ellison!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

If you’ve ever wondered what I think about Caitlyn Jenner, Bill Cosby, Michael Jackson, feminism, catfood, Hot Topic, Northern White Rhinos, Dallas, Texas, Youtube, or gay rights, they’re all here!  This record was recorded at the Complex, and if you were there, maybe you can hear your laugh!

Buy it, rate it, share it, love it, send it to your Mom, and most of all, pay me money for it!

PRICING STRUCTURE

  1. $7- you can have the record on Bandcamp!  Right away!
  2. $10- you can have the record on digital from Itunes, on CD, or both and if you buy a CD I’ll autograph it and I’ll think good things about you.
  3. $30- you get the record and you can buy me lunch
  4. $40- you get the record and I’ll buy you lunch
  5. $50- you get the record, and you can tell people you’re my friend, both on social media and in life.
  6. $60- you get the record, I’ll take you out singing karaoke and some of my social cachet could rub off on you!
  7. $70- You get the record and I’ll lend you something out of my closet and you can wear it and everything!  There’s restrictions on this.  Nothing with a European label.  Don’t be ridiculous.
  8. $100- Matching tattoos.  Dealer’s choice.  Something small.
  9. $1000- We can get married.  No paperwork, ceremony and photo session only.  Also, an autographed CD to remember our special day with!

THANK YOU for your support, THANK YOU for buying my record, and THANK YOU for being you.

Subtext!

The team that brought you GOTHIXXX is back with SUBTEXT, a show about interpreting life’s mysterious text messages!  Send us your mysterious text at asksubtext@gmail.com.  All questions will be presented anonymously.

7 Important Things I Learned From Marriage

Marriage: It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed.  That’s a best case scenario.

In my standup act, I ask the audience “Who’s married?” and hands go up.  Then, I ask, “Who USED to be married?” and lots of the same hands go up.  I berate them for making the same mistake twice-“Who ARE you people?  Who says, well, that sucked- let me try it again with some other asshole?”

I only sort of mean this.

But I don’t entirely *not* mean it.I was married for eight years.  That’s right, eight in a row, because anyone can take breaks, Janice!

My marriage ended badly, but that doesn’t mean that it was all bad.  I learned a lot about what marriage is.

The First Thing

The first thing I learned about marriage is that it’s not about the engagement or the parties or the wedding, the public things.  It’s the opposite of that.  It’s the ultimate private thing.  It is two people making a life together, alone.  It doesn’t have anything to do with looking pretty in a dress or if your mom enjoyed the reception. 

There is a whole industry geared up to tell you that marriage is about paying twice as much for shoes because they are white, and if you don’t have the right diamond ring, it means he doesn’t love you enough.  It’s not about that.

 I learned a lot of things about what marriage isn’t, or wasn’t for me.  It’s not an endless meet cute.  It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed.  If your primary motivator to get married is not the desire to make and share a life with that person, you should look at what it is you really want.

The Second Thing

The second thing I learned about marriage is that you could be so proud and excited about spending the rest of your life with this person and want to kill thim in the next moment.  One time I came home and found that my spouse had spent the day putting up shelves for me and I was so pleased.  I was just as aggravated the next day, when that same spouse had totaled his car doing something stupid.  It’s the same person.  “I’m so lucky, I can’t believe I’m married to you!” is the flip side of “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M MARRIED TO YOU.”  They’ll feel the same way about you sometimes!

They WILL do stupid things, and you will too.  Committing to the rest of your life together means that you’re going to have moments of strength and weakness, days when you take on the world and days when you can’t get out of bed.  If we were all paragons of virtue and strength every day, we wouldn’t need other people, we’d just be constantly having sex with celebrities.  I think.  And we’d never be sick or tired or unemployed or lonely, because we’d be so busy kicking the universe’s ass every single day.

The Third Thing

The third thing I learned about marriage is that it can transform you.

The support of another person, plus the time you save from online dating, means that each of you can really figure out what you want your life to look like.  Sure, you’ll probably stop matching your bra and panty sets and you’ll start eating more bread, but you can become a more fulfilled person.

The things your partner does will reflect on you in a way they never have before, both good and bad.  If they spout off at a party, fail to keep their promises, or behave antisocially, that’s your problem too.  Of course, if your spouse is a Nobel-prize winning doctor, some of that rubs off on you, as well.I also learned that your spouse is who they are.

The Fourth Thing

People can change behaviors but they can’t really change their identities.  When I met my husband, he was in a marriage that ended in infidelity.  Ours ended the same way.  He’s married again and I suspect it’ll end with another woman’s number in his phone.

The Fifth Thing

One good thing about being united with another human being is that you can learn more about who you are by contrast.  “That’s his thing.  That’s my thing.” 

You can find out more about where you overlap and don’t overlap.

Some Sexy News

Sex will get really good.   Having sex with one person, having years to figure each other out, means married sex can be incredible.

Your spouse will know you better than anyone.

I’m sorry that my marriage ended badly, because there are things I want to tell him sometimes that only he’ll get.  The person who was closest to you for ten years is hard to lose.

The Sixth Thing

The next thing I learned when my marriage ended was that all endings are sad.

Every person who tells you they are divorcing deserves your sympathy.  Even when the marriage was bad, there is a sadness in ending something that you hoped would last forever.

The Seventh Thing

The last thing I learned is that other people like being married, and when they’re healed and feeling strong, they’ll seek it out again, and I won’t.  And that’s OK, too.

 See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/7-things-i-learned-from-marriage-that-i-couldnt-learn-anywhere-else/2/#sthash.zO3bjcPV.dpuf