I’m excited to be on the team making a special one-time late-night show for the amazing Jackie Kashian. You know her from Conan O’Brien, from her podcasts the Dork Forest and the Jackie and Laurie show, and from her great albums, including her latest, I Am Not The Hero Of This Story! It’s gonna be nerd-tastic and dork-arrific and a ton of fun, like any Jackie Kashian show. Get your tickets now!
Scientists have created a new power utility from America’s infinitely renewable resource, useless crap you bought online.
A poorly beaded “flapper” dress can heat a house for fifteen minutes, a giant quilted puffer coat that says “QUEEN” on the back can power a Roomba for a day.
You have nowhere to wear a giant puffer coat that says “QUEEN” on the back. It will only look good in a music video with a model in stiletto heels.
It will not look cute over your sweatpants with the uggs you wear in the snow. You will look crazy. You do not need it. Burn it. Then, you can use the energy to make a smoothie!
Tom detailed his revenge plot against Panera bread. They had screwed up his sandwich for the last time and they’d pay.
Brett cleared his throat nervously and interrupted. “Guys, Reddit bought out Patreon. They erased all donor info and funds.”
Tom sat up, a light in his eyes. “Did it happen to everyone- even the Hamburger Men?” Brett replied, “The Doughboys were paid out yesterday- in ten thousand dollars of fast food hamburgers.” Julie shook her head and pressed on. “We need money to make the show. What’s our next move?”
Brett said quietly, “We were asked about an OnlyFans.”
Tom and Julie blanched and clutched their pearls. Tom wasn’t wearing pearls, so he clutched where they would be. Julie didn’t know why she’d worn pearls today, but now she was glad that she had. Brett continued, “Not you. I’ve reached out to people we’ve mentioned on the show.” Tom waved his arms like he was trying to clear the room of flies. Agitated, he yelled “Sir, this is an ARBY’S.” Julie sprang up. “Brett, that’s his safeword. This conversation is over. Leave us out of it.”
Brett sent out an invitation to a night shoot. He was nervous, but curious.
The first arrival was a gangly white boy with glasses like the Tootsie Roll owl. “I’m Potok Philippe, like the luxurious watch, but I’m luxurious to watch.”
Brett ushered him into the studio, a small room with tarps, some mood lighting, some rubs and glazes, and a couple bowls of dry cereal. The Canadian rapper settled in.
Next, Jiminy Glick stood on the stoop, red-faced, wiping his glasses. “I’m so excited to be here, with the YOUNG PEOPLE, the MOVERS AND SHAKERS. Your invite made me positively RANDY.”
Potok looked up, concerned, and asked Brett, “Hey, are there chicks coming?”
“I think so. Please, have some cereal while you wait. It’s low-carb.” Brett relaxed when he heard voices outside in a higher timbre. Opening the door, he found the Hamburglar, Birdie the Early Bird, and the Fry Girls from McDonald’s. He let the girls in, but stopped the Hamburglar. “Too many dudes, man. I’m sorry.” “Robble robble”, said the masked criminal, turning away sadly.
Brett stopped Birdie in the hallway to ask, “are you old enough to be here?”
“I hatched in 1986. I’m a big bird now.” He pointed at the Fry Girls. “What about them? They don’t speak English, are they ok?” Birdie laughed, “Do you smell that?” The smell of hot tallow had started to permeate the hallway. “That’s how they give consent.”
Glick looked up and clapped his hands. “I’m so delighted and absolutely aroused!” He opened his arms to the trio of Fry Girls, who ran to him. Soon they were a blur of yellow, red, and blue, with flashes of pink flesh exposed.
Potok purred to Birdie, “I’ll take you out for a fancy dinner.” “How about breakfast instead?” she chirped. He laid her down, gently removing her scarf and goggles. Before her head hit the poured concrete floor, she felt a firm pillow sliding beneath it. She looked to see the My Pillow Guy blushing, fingering a crucifix with his free hand. “Jesus watches over me, but I watch over you,” he whispered, backing into the dark recesses of the room.
Next were Dave Grohl and Jimmy Fallon. Neither could believe how great it was. “Hey, it’s the Fry Girls, awesome!” Dave enthused. “I’ve always crushed on them!” Two of them broke away from the sweaty Glick and stroked the Foo Fighter through his dark rinse denim.
Then, Brett wheeled in a giant plant, marked AUDREY 2. She was six feet tall, beautiful, covered in tendrils. Jimmy Fallon gazed at her as her vines found his fly zipper, and then the erogenous zones of everyone in the room. She brought each participant to the most intense climax they had ever experienced, simultaneously. Silently, the Onlyfans counter hit a new record.
The next day, Brett hosed down the room for the Godcast and counted out the money. “Puppets,” moaned Tom at the news. “Why did it have to be puppets?”
Virginia’s responses to Brandie’s questions:
What’s the worst present you’ve ever gotten?
My first thought was very hippie 2020, like, it’s a gift just to be remembered, even if the object itself is not inherently desirable to me? But it’s true, when you’re a kid, Christmas and Birthdays are your only chances to get stuff, because nobody will hire you to work because of the so-called “abuses” of the Industrial Revolution.
When I was 8 or 9 my Dad was hyping us up about a gift he had bought “for the family” and it was “electronic” and “everyone could use it” and it would be “good for our homework” so I thought it was going to be like a Deep Blue supercomputer or something and it was an electric pencil sharpener that he had really taken a shine to. It was beige!
As a kid, I was hospitalized with pneumonia over Christmas. All kinds of charity groups were visiting sick kids at Christmas and I felt very self conscious at getting attention because I was sick. I started trying to make jokes to distract. Also I got a cabbage patch kid for free from a church group and that fucking rocked. My sister was so pissed.
As a goth, my fashion choices are very similar past, present, and future, but there was a moment after the first Matrix I bought myself a black pleather pantsuit at an indoor flea market in Dallas, TX that I wore to the goth club with sunglasses and a wet bob all the time and that was pretty great. At the end of the night I’d have to wring it out.
My first closer was about Paris Hilton, and it was basically about how she was a marketing genius without talent. She went out of the public vernacular long before I realized it was a pretty misogynist joke. I closed on it for at least two years.
I bought a mask in Hanoi, Vietnam in 2008 and used that as the template to make masks that I sent to friends and family and wear myself. In Vietnam, it was mostly meant to keep the sun off your face and dust out of your nose when you’re on your moped.
VIRGINIA, ARE YOU PLANNING ON TAKING THE VACCINE?
I will camp out for the vaccine like I camped out for Nick Cave tickets. I’ll wear a sleeping blanket and cut holes in the sides for my arms so I look like a giant baby and I will bring bags of vegan jerky and fruit leather to share. Layer three fabric masks and a gas mask on top and I will wait it out.
Apparently if I was locked up, I would be in the prison gym all the damn time! I’ve been spending quarantine getting ripped, or as ripped as you can be while also stress eating donuts. My boyfriend just told me I have a back like a little bulldog now, so the new goal is to get even buffer to murder him AND maintain my mental health.
Hmmm, there are so many to choose from! But my gut reaction was Maria Bamford, Michelle Buteau & Tig Notaro. They’re amazing, check them out if you somehow know me but not them!
I have a pretty vivid memory of seeing Total Recall WAY too young & Arnold Schwarzenegger’s eyes popping out of his head. I gave up wanting to be an astronaut around that time.
Who was your first crush?
My first crush was Bruce Campbell in Xena: Warrior Princess. My last crush will be Bruce Campbell in anything he does.
My podcast, Lady to Lady, had a fan who knitted dolls of the three of us while she was working on her doctorate when she needed a break from screens! All three dolls are in a three person shirt. We hang it from a hook in our recording studio & it creeps out guests who don’t see it at first haha.
My dad has…. Maybe 12 garden gnomes? Some parents get a dog when their kids move out, my dad can’t stop going to garden stores & bringing home tiny bearded men. So what do I think of garden gnomes? I THINK THEY’RE COMING FOR MY PLACE IN THE FAMILY.
See also: Ladies of Comedy
Some of my favorite pieces from the Celebrity Silhouette we took for S.S. Coachella– it was a very British and very modern collection that I wish I had more time to enjoy!
My 8 Least Favorite Things About 2020:
I carry a lot of 80’s Laura Ashley trauma. Someone referred to their own aesthetic as Gothic Cottagecore and that can’t be a thing.
The sippycup lids for Starbucks cold drinks. I also love turtles but I don’t like to drink from a ba-ba. Can’t I just send money to a gofundme for the turtles?
Thing is like a Magic Eye where everyone sees a delicious tortilla and I see a shit-stained white blanket. I can almost smell that thing, get it away from me.
Bless our little cotton socks for trying, it doesn’t work.
Growing food. I was so proud that I had grown five dollars of green onions over 6 months until I realized I had probably spent twenty dollars on water.
Your friend goes instagram live and you think oh what are they doin’ and it’s nothing, they’re not doing anything but they’ve seen that you’re watching and it’s a lowkey hostage situation.
Look, I believed in something and it didn’t work out. I guess you’ve never made a mistake before.
Not everything needs to be tie-dyed. Give it a rest, Trent.
Maybe something else crappy happened this year, but I can’t think of it right now.