An Average White Male Comic

When I start performing live again, it will be as an average white male comic.

Average white men: I envy the way they promote each other, and back each other up in times of trouble. Average white men are friends to the end, even if their friend is a pedophile. They know what they have in common, their strength and their pride: they are average white men.

They don’t have to be that funny, because average white men support each other and raise each other up. Bros before hos! Bros before common decency! Bros before, frankly, everything!

Meet Hacky Sack. I will only be writing for, and performing as him in the future.

The Photography of the Amazing Andrew Max Levy

portrait of Virginia Jones in a kerchief by Andrew Max Levy
Photo credit Andrew Max Levy

Andrew Max Levy, @justoffthesix on Instagram, has been shooting LA comics and comedy shows for years. He recently challenged Angelenos to donate to #blacklivesmatter in exchange for a portrait, and scheduled over 70 shoots. I was so glad to be part of an important fundraiser and get some nice shots.

virginia jones bowie shirt universal standard skirt plus size fashion
This ensemble is all the shit I bought to make myself feel better. Many of these items have never left the house before. Photo credit Andrew Max Levy.

Stunning Tips For A Hot (Covid) Girl Summer!

Most of us have upgraded from our first masks, if you were lucky, the N95, which was a hot fashion item in March.

Now, we have an assortment of fabric masks in a fun array of colors and textures.  Our friends have made them, our moms have made them, maybe we’ve made them.  We’ve graduated from starting every outing by tying a bandanna around our faces like Jesse James. We’ve hit Etsy to get a mask with Batman or Hamilton on it, any fandom except Harry Potter because fuck that lady!   But how do we refresh our look for a long, hot isolated Summer?

Tip 1

Remember sunscreen!  It may feel safe to go out with sunglasses and a mask on, but if you don’t use sunscreen, your tan is gonna make you a reverse Panda bear.

Tip 2

For fun, coordinate your mask with your swimsuit, your sneakers, or the sweatpants you’ve been wearing for 150 days in a row!

You can wear a lined mask in breezy summer fabrics like poplin and broadcloth, do a printed floral for a flirty, feminine touch, or stick with canvas or denim for a practical, DIY look. 

Tip 3

If your mask looks boring, and/or you’ve gone insane, accessorize with sequins, rhinestones, or studs!  Not grommets, though.  Grommets are bad.

Tip 4

Cut up those band tees you’ve outgrown or gotten bleach on and make a mask by hand!  Now, everyone at the Trader Joe’s can tell you like Belle and Sebastian or Sebadoh!  Maybe you can put a band together on Zoom!  Super cool. Make sure and double line it.

Tip 5

If you don’t like wearing a mask, or don’t think you can breathe with one on, stay home!  Do you want to go grocery shopping without a mask? Order groceries online!  If you think the rules that apply to everyone else don’t apply to you, stay home and do a podcast, you fucking narcissist!  Stay the fuck home! 

Desperate Airlines

desperate airline advertisement covid-19 travel

Jesus, did you guys get this email? I know the airlines are having a tough time of Covid-19, but this seems…I don’t know, extreme?

Lady Bloodmeadow Kills It On Tinder

Lady Bloodmeadow joins Tinder. If you want a goth girlfriend, please watch her video. She really only has one requirement for partners. If you’d like to see more of Bloodmeadow, check out her Youtube playlist here.

White People and Black Lives Matter

White Americans: Wow, Black Lives Matter. I can’t believe all you’ve been through. How can we help?

Black Americans: Wow, that’s great, you can march with us, you can donate to #BLM and charities that help with legal fees and bail money, and you can make a habit of supporting Black businesses.

White Americans: Great. What else?

Black Americans: Well, you could amplify Black voices and also petition to local government representatives on behalf of Black people who have died at the hands of police.

White Americans: Happy to do that. And we will also post teary eyed videos about how we regret racism and we will get in fights with strangers on Facebook!

Black Americans: Uhhh if you want to

White Americans: Yes, we will seek out people on Facebook who we don’t know well and unfriend them if they don’t support #BLM!

Black Americans: Well, you can talk with your friends and family about systematic racism, that would be great

White Americans: Not enough! We will track down people we don’t know who are posting about all lives matter on Facebook and we will try to get them fired from their jobs! We will call other white women Karen, the worst thing you can call a person!

Black Americans: Uh you don’t have to do that

White Americans: STAND BACK AND WATCH US SHINE!

Cheat-Sheet Letter for Covid-19

A helpful letter to send people during Covid-19

Dear Friend/Family Member/Other;

   I hope this personalized form letter finds you

A. safe

B. healthy

C. as well as can be expected

D. up to your earholes in homemade bread

E. making a killing selling black market hand sanitizer. 

This week, I made a few PPE masks at home and wanted to send you

A. one

B. two

C. several for you and your

A. spouse

B.child

C. pet

D. roommate

E. (N/A)

I hope that

A. sweet

B. little

C. handsome

  _______ is also doing well.

  I want you to know that I love you, and I know that you

A. love me back

B. wish I didn’t

C. know who I am. 

Remember, this is all temporary and one day we’ll look back at this time and laugh

A. ruefully

B. sexily

C. hysterically. 

It’s all just a fad, like dabbing or Linsanity or Snuggie parties, or when we put those old-timey moustaches on everything. 

   Keep safe, my brave

A. friend

B. family member

C. other

and I will see you on the other side, and we will clasp hands warmly and through our

A. hyperbaric chambers

B. rubber gloves

C. VR realities.

  Your Friend/Family Member/Other

  Virginia Jones