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The Return of Valley Girl!

It’s no secret that I love the films Valley Girl and Modern Girls. On the 40th anniversary of the former, The New Bev celebrated the genre of female-led 80’s films set in Los Angeles with a lively double feature.

VALLEY GIRL

I felt very lucky to get a seat at the sold-out screening. Valley Girl was as much fun as ever. I have never seen it on the big screen, and it was extra fun. The vertigo of Julie’s driving test, the backstage karate action at prom, the heat of a young Nicholas Cage at his dreamiest- all delightfully larger than life. The eternal tale of first love, of star-crossed lovers, stays as current as the clothes and haircuts don’t.

After the first feature, we got a brief Q&A by the legendary director, Martha Coolidge, and most of the cast. Deborah Foreman was there, Josie Cotton was there, the bassist from the Plimsouls, and all of Julie’s stuck-up friends. They all talked about how completely shoestring and indie the movie was. They all wore each others’ clothes, they loved the music of the time, and they made an unexpected hit that changed all of their lives.

I enjoyed the Sparks on the soundtrack, and although the Plimsouls appear to constantly be playing the Central, Chuck E. Weiss is listed on the calendar as upcoming.

It’s also one of Quentin Tarantino’s favorite romantic comedies, which would make perfect sense.

Modern Girls

Then, it was time for Modern GIrls. Sadly, the theater dumped out before the screening of one of my favorite not-very-good films. However, I still enjoyed watching it with the thirty nerds that remained. The co-author, Anita Rosenberg, and Virginia Madsen were appearing tonight, but you can’t be everywhere.

Modern Girls takes place three years after Valley Girl, and the girls involved might be the older sisters of Julie’s. They’re not visiting Hollywood, they live there. And they wouldn’t be caught DEAD in the Valley.

Some trainspotting between the two films- they both have Toni Basil songs on the soundtracks. The hit, Oh, Mickey, is in Valley Girl. Girl’s Night Out plays over the getting dressed montage in Modern Girls. They both feature strips of 80’s Sunset and Melrose, and, oddly- they both reference the “plastics” joke from The Graduate. Only Modern Girls has a Hamlet, reference, though. Super silly and lots of fun, beginning to end.

How To Be A Famous Comedian

HOW TO BE A FAMOUS COMEDIAN

I have started sharing my amazing insights on how to be funny, and how to be a comedian, but I have not yet told you how to be a FAMOUS COMEDIAN. A SUCCESSFUL COMEDIAN. And that’s what everybody wants to know.

i know I have said that there are no short cuts, but in fact there are. Here are the top short cuts to being successful and pretty famous.

If You’re A girl

If you’re a girl, be super hot. Make your insta about your body. Onstage, talk about sex. That’s what men want from women comedians, they want someone who looks like a pron star and talks about sex. Wear a high ponytail and a tiny leather jacket a lot of the time. I don’t know why this is important but it is. Don’t work with other women comics. That will just get you in a competition about who’s hotter and nobody wants that. Disparage other women comics and talk about how they’re hacks. Get a ton of weird plastic surgery when you turn 30. You know the drill.

If you’re a musical act, write about having sex with older male comedians. This will 100% get you on the road. But being a hot girl who talks about sex is the path to getting up at clubs, getting a special, all kinds of stuff. Will you be funny? No. Will you have the respect of your peers? Again, no. But you will be SUCCESSFUL.

What if I’m Not a Girl?

OK, so you’re not a girl. In many ways, this is better. There are three main routes that you can take.

Fat Party Guy

The first obvious route is Fat Party Guy. For this one, you have to be likeable, a little charming even. And you either have it or you don’t. It super helps to have a drinking or drug problem, but don’t worry, most comics do. Are you willing to take your shirt off and show your fat body onstage? Great. Hilarious. Do you have any kind of Southern accent? Great. Lead with that. Tell stories about being a drunk fucking disaster, take your clothes off, and pick up your check. Sometimes talk tearfully about Fat Party Guy comics who died young, because guess what, they do that.

Mediocre White Man

Ok, so you’re not that charming and you’re not that fat. What to do? Don’t worry, if you’re lucky you can cobble together quite a good living as a mediocre white man. Please talk about how much you dislike women in your life, first your girlfriend, then she becomes your wife and you talk about hating her, then the girlfriend you have after your wife kicked you out. Be heinous about her onstage. Don’t worry, she knows it’s what you have to do for your act. It helps if you’re a little bit handsome for this one, you don’t have to be out and out good looking, just like slightly above average. Good looking for a comic. Sometimes if you wear a blazer onstage, you will come across as better looking than you really are. Here’s your set- you like pot, you like pron, dating’s hard, you hate your wife, close strong on you shit yourself in public.

Last Ditch: Alt Right Incel Creep

OK, so you’re a man but you’re not that charming and you’re not that handsome. Don’t worry. You can still make a good living as an alt right incel creep.

Or maybe you WERE one of those, and then got caught up in a sex assault, or pedo stuff, or something similarly unsavory. Don’t worry, there is still a place for you in comedy! There will ALWAYS be a place for you.

All your material will be about things from this list: Dislike of Black people, dislike of women (everybody does well with this except for Fat Party Guy), HATRED of trans women (trans men are not on your radar particularly), dislike of cancel culture, dislike of the main political parties, love of batshit conspiracy theories. Talk about trans women so much it’s actually kind of weird. Remind your audience that they’re the only reason you’re allowed to pop off about these topics, because you’re too EDGY for the mainstream.

Have a twitter account. Post memes about the weird conspiracy theories you promote.

If you dress like a Montana cabin dweller, that’s pretty good. If you’re an oddly buff short guy, that’s perfect.

Have a podcast, and talk about all the things you dislike. Do you like anything? How about: FREEDOM. Freedom to be a repulsive piece of shit.

There are two main downsides to this route: One, the piece of shit alt right incels you have to hang out with and do festivals and podcasts with, and two, the piece of shit alt right incels you will be performing for. You will not have a place in mainstream comedy. But these guys will love you. They will subscribe to your Patreon. They will buy your muscle building supplement. Will you be funny? No. But you will be successful!

Statement of Purpose

I applied to an opportunity that asked me for a statement of purpose. Here it is!

Being funny is job one, but if I’m not expressing myself and my worldview, there’s no reason to do comedy. I do think of comedy as performance art. If that’s pretentious, then I’m pretentious. It wouldn’t be the first time, and it won’t be the last.

If you just want people to laugh, I guess you can just make fart noises into a microphone? I don’t like walking out of a comedy show with no new ideas to chew on. It’s like seeing a movie and you have fun in the moment, but the details are fading into the ether by the time you get to your car.

I think of my comedy like it’s dark bread, it’s delicious but it has substance, too. And it makes you poop.

My comedy is also heavily colored by my experiences being a woman in comedy, so it’s also like a snake eating its own tail.

Unsolicited Comedy Advice

It’s unsolicited comedy advice time! As near as I can tell, everyone on earth is either a comedian or a DJ, and some of those people have gotta need advice. These are theories, or ideas really, that have brought me some comfort in a difficult world.

1. Festival Bookers aren’t funnier than you are

They don’t have to be. They’ve organized a festival. They are, for the most part, lazy, burrito-eating pieces of shit, living on their friend’s couches. That’s how I imagine them, anyway. They aren’t better than you are, they just run a festival in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas.

Except for the festival bookers who have booked me before. They are connoisseurs and the true arbiters of taste.

2. Squeaky Wheels Suck at Comedy

You’ll run into people in this world who are aggressive about booking. Aggressive aggressive aggressive. That’s how they have found success.

You do have to ask for bookings, don’t get me wrong, but there’s people whose whole life is bugging other people. That’s how they survive and pretend they have a career.

3. Show Bookers Are Not Funnier Than You

I’ve done it a thousand times, I do a show with someone who books a comedy show and I absolutely wipe the floor with them and then think, how dare they not book me?

They don’t have to. They got it together to run a show. They’ll book the people they like, or the people they want to ingratiate themselves to. It’s not *really* a meritocracy. Sorry!

4. Some People Are Just Never Gonna Book You

This is the best unsolicited advice. There are some people, some shows, some festivals even, that just won’t like you. Once you’ve politely reached out a half dozen times, you don’t have to keep torturing yourself. Put your energy, your support, your time into shows that like you.

5. Comedy Doesn’t Have To Pay Your Bills

There’s people who will tell you that if you don’t make a living from comedy, you’re not a real comedian. Here’s the thing. Loving comedy and being funny, truly loving the artform, doesn’t mean that you’ll make much money at it.

Your art doesn’t owe you a living. You can be a genius and never make a dime. You can be a hack and make a good living. As far as I can tell, being funny and making money at comedy are only tangentially related.

The fact is that not depending on comedy to pay your rent frees you. You don’t have to take gigs you don’t enjoy, and you don’t have to do things you don’t want to do.

6. “I run a comedy show. How can I tell if I’m funny?”

Do you ever do any shows that aren’t yours? Once your comedy show ends, do you keep getting booked? No? Congratulations, you’re a producer, baybee!

7. Remember that success is not a straight line

One day, you’re jealous as shit because your friend got a speaking role in a Disney show. The next minute, you’re helping them pack their bags to move home. One day, you’re playing a huge theatre supporting another friend. The next, you’re bumped on an open mic in the fucking Valley. You’ll have big and little successes, and big and little failures. That doesn’t mean you’re not making progress. If you love it, keep going. If you don’t, find a better way to spend your time.

Presented by the iPhone 14

I am so honored to share my new half-hour special, “Virginia Jones: Presented by the iPhone 14”. The iPhone in question recorded me from the back of the Greater Purpose brewery in Santa Cruz, Ca. I just feel so excited to premiere my comedy half hour on YouTube!

It’s so great to finally have a half-hour special. I hope you check out my jokes about elephants, divorce, gun control, women’s rights, childlessness, and lockdown. I just know that this is going to lead to the next steps in my comedy career. I’m ready, Hollywood!

AI Reviews: Virginia Jones

Dall-e image of comedian virginia jones — A beautiful image of me by Dall-E

I asked Google’s Bard AI to review Virginia Jones’ comedy, and this is what I got, which is more true than not-true:

Virginia Jones is a stand-up comedian who is known for her dark and absurdist humor. Her jokes often deal with topics such as death, religion, and mental illness. Jones’s comedy is not for everyone, but it is sure to get a reaction from those who appreciate her unique brand of humor.

In her latest album, “Gothic American,” Jones tackles a wide range of topics, from her own mental health struggles to the state of the world. The album is both funny and thought-provoking, and it is sure to leave a lasting impression on anyone who listens to it.

One of the things that makes Jones’s comedy so unique is her willingness to tackle taboo subjects. She is not afraid to talk about death, religion, and mental illness, and she does so with a refreshing honesty and humor. Jones’s comedy is not for everyone, but it is sure to get a reaction from those who appreciate her unique brand of humor.

Another thing that makes Jones’s comedy so special is her ability to connect with her audience. She has a natural charisma and a way of making her audience feel like they are part of the joke. Jones is a master of storytelling, and she weaves her jokes into personal anecdotes that make her material feel more relatable.

Overall, Virginia Jones is a talented comedian who is sure to please fans of dark and absurdist humor. Her latest album, “Gothic American,” is a must-listen for anyone who appreciates unique and thought-provoking comedy.

Badinia Beanie for Sale!

I’m pleased to offer my first piece of artist’s merchandise for sale! It’s a Badinia beanie to keep you warm in cool weather, and cool in all weather. It’s cooler than a t-shirt, and you can wear it every day! I mean it! Wear it every day!

But Where Will I WEAR IT?

It’s good to wear at work, at church, on a date, to school, to the grocery store, on a cruise! Wear it to rockshows, to weddings, to a bar mitzvah, to a Parent-Teacher conference, to an AA meeting! Take it to your rehab facility intake, to your divorce trial, or to your friend’s funeral!

Outdoor Activities: Beanies are great for outdoor activities like hiking, camping, skiing, snowboarding, or any winter sport. They help keep your head warm in cold weather conditions
Beanies are commonly worn as part of casual outfits, especially during the colder months. You can wear them with jeans, hoodies, sweaters, or jackets for a cozy and stylish look.
Beanies can be worn with outfits, including sneakers, joggers, graphic tees, and bomber jackets.
Are you going to a music festival, ever? When the sun goes down, you’re gonna want a beanie, believe me!
Sporting Events- if you like sports that are outside, we are very different people, but you can wear a beanie to it!.
On Hat Day, if you work at Starbucks- I can tell there’s a Hat Day, because sometimes I walk in and everyone is wearing a hat and DARING me to talk about it!
On planes, trains, and other forms of public transit- a beanie makes for a cozy way to stay comfortable on transit!.
At the gym- you’d hate to get a cold head at the gym, right? Right!
Style: Pretend you have style! Wear a beanie!
Wear it on a bad hair day so nobody can tell, or wear it on a good hair day to make it a bad hair day!

TELL ME ABOUT THIS BEANIE!

This beanie is a fine gauge knit 100% acrylic yarn, with a hand-applied brand-embroidered patch. If we’re being real, the embroidery patch is hand applied by the artist, which means that no two are exactly alike! You can buy it here, or on bandcamp, if you like!

This is the first piece of merch I’ve ever had! I’m stoked to take it out on the road and get my street team to work. Twenty thousand followers don’t clothe themselves, you know! I want you guys to be cozy, I want you to be comfy, I want you to be branded.

Get yours today, immediately, I mean right now! This is a limited edition of 99 pieces! Whoa that’s under 100, because I made one for myself!

This Badinia beanie is all you need to get people asking questions, like- what does your hat mean, how do you say it, and where did you get it? Answers: I don’t know, I don’t know, and Badinia.com!