Category: comedy

Rehashed Onion

I put in for a fellowship at the Onion, and I didn’t get it, but I still think these jokes are pretty tasty!

Headlines

Remote Island Discovered Where Gnarls Barkley Still Famous

Sanjaya and Zendaya Get Married, Confusing Moms Everywhere

Area Woman Posts Selfie;  Hears From Every Man She Knows

Escape Room becomes Rage Room in Single Bad Afternoon

Instant Pot “Not Instant Enough” For Hungry Dad

Pet Turtle Has No Idea What’s Going On

Local Child Petitions City Council To Decriminalize Bed-Jumping

Wedding Planner’s Suicide Note References Mason Jars;  Edison Bulbs

Electric Scooter Rentals Now Ask That Users Wipe Blood From Display After Use

Model Sets New Bar For Body Image: Says, “You Can Be No Wider Than This Bar”

Last Geocities Flame .Gif Burns Out

Stan Lee Cause Of Death At 95 Revealed: Taken By Thanos

Time Travel: If You Know Who Hitler Is, We Don’t Have It

So-Called “MANDELA AFFECT” Explained: People Are Morons

Last Handful of Pokemon Go! Monsters Have Crossbred Into Uncatchable Mutants

Self Driving Car Service Lasted 48 Hours Before Cars Were Used As Mobile Sex Hotels

Taylor Swift Disguises Self As Giant Bird To Avoid Paparazzi

“Reduce Vet Bills By 90%” Campaign Popularizes Pet Euthanasia Services

Area Boyfriend Sure He Needs More Katanas

Local Muskrat Never Found Muskrat Love Before Dying Muskrat Death Muskrat Alone

Salman Rushdie Wows EU Summit With New Cut, Color

News Updates

Single Woman Celebrates Receipt Of One Hundredth Dick Pic

  MINNEAPOLIS, MN  “I don’t remember exactly why I started saving them,” said local woman Caroline Chalmers.  “The first couple of times I got one, I just deleted it and tried to forget about it,” she told reporters. “But then, they I got so many that it seemed like a fun game to see how many I would get, abiding by the ground rules that I never asked for them, acknowledged their receipt, or met the men sending them.”

 Sorting the images by size and color, she eventually started an x-rated Pinterest page. “Everyone likes this little fire hydrant shaped one! I don’t remember what that guy’s name was. Anyway, who knows why anyone collects anything?”

Hollywood Investors Establishing Spiderman Reboot Industry

STUDIO CITY, CA  In a tremendous investment and concentration of resources, Columbia Pictures has established a separate financial entity responsible for the planning, shooting, editing and distribution of future Spiderman reboots.

 Featuring a boutique spidey suit design house, a New York Brownstone soundstage, and most importantly, a stable of young men being groomed as future Spider-Men, executives were confident that they could front-load to deliver Spiderman reboots through the year 2030.  An open gymnasium door revealed a gaggle of identical brown-haired thirteen year olds practicing parkour before a passing white-haired executive smiled and pulled the door closed.

Gig Economy Update: Area Woman Hired To Clean Her Own House By Husband

   COLUMBUS, OH  “When the app first went off, I was really confused,” said Tina Hale, a recently laid-off cocktail waitress and new You’ve Got It Maid contractor.  “It’s supposed to find me cleaning work near my house, but the address looked like it *was* my house. I thought it was maybe a bug, so I wrote the support email.  In just a couple hours they said nope, my husband had ordered a cleaning service.” She stood in her own living room, sizing up the job. “I guess he was trying to do something nice for me,  and I guess the place got a little ragged this month, but he’s gonna pay twice to clean it what I’m gonna get paid to do it. And if he doesn’t give me five stars I’m moving out.” She then went to her closet to get her own cleaning supplies, cursing lightly under her breath as she did so.

Tips For Choosing The Right Gift

Enter their height, weight, and favorite Starburst flavor into the Amazon Gift Optimizer and let the algorithm do the rest!

Secretly collect 200 ml of their saliva to submit for DNA testing- then surprise them with a digeridoo that speaks to the aboriginal heritage they never knew they had!

Trick them into wearing a Google glass all October, then buy things their eye landed on for longer than a minute!

For Seniors: Steal prized posessions from them and give them back next Christmas, when they’re forgotten they used to have them!

Cut out one inch by one inch squares of their favorite clothing and surprise them with a cursed doll of themselves!  Great for curing headaches and making love spells!

My Utterly Complete Shit List

This is a list of reasons I am not speaking to other comics, it’s a funny meditation on the things we allow to divide us even though we’re all gonna be dead someday.

People I am Not Speaking To For Sexual Misconduct Reasons


People Who Defended Other Comics To Me, I.E. How Do You Like Your Cosby Now? 


I Unfriended You Because Another Comic Asked Me To And They Are Back To Being Your Friend, So Fuck Me 


I Am Scared To Speak To You Because I Might Have You Confused With Another Comic 


I Refuse To Speak To You Because You Hurt My Feelings For Something I Don’t Remember What It Is

You Bought A Car From Me And Never Registered It And Never Paid Me For It (Specific)


I Basically Like You But Had To Turn Off Your Thirst Trap Feed


You Never Found A Spot For Me On A Show You Stopped Booking Years Ago


I Have A Crush On You And Am Embarrassed About It 


I Understand That You Do Comedy But Not Why 


I Understand That Other People Find You Funny But I Don’t 


I Envy Your Career But You Close On A Poop Joke 


Comics Who I Am Scared To Speak To Because I Think They’re Mad At Me For Something


You Are Too Extra For Me To Personally Cope With And I Feel Guilty But There It Is

You Have Never, Not Once In Your Life, Stayed To Support A Show After Your Set
*or* 
General Shit List

An Insider’s Guide to A Year In Comedy

The Holidays

Well, it’s the holidays, and it’s a hard time of the year to do comedy. It’s the time when all the best-of and who’s-next lists come out, and you might not be on those lists. It’s also when shows go on hiatus or just die off, as the hosts say, well, don’t we have something better to do on a Tuesday? You say to yourself, well, I went to that show ten times last year in hopes of being booked on it and that was time wasted. It’s also the time of year when you have to justify to your parents what you’re still doing in LA.

Springtime

And then it’s Spring, when all the festivals write to say you didn’t qualify to fly yourself to a small city and do unpaid shows, but it’s only because they had SO many comics apply for SO few spots. And who decided you didn’t make the cut? A guy who sleeps on his friend’s couch and lives on burritos.

Some festivals you’ve been applying to for so long that other people have started comedy, done that festival, and quit comedy again, all while you’re still sending in your thirty bucks. You realize that one festival has taken three hundred dollars from you, and you could have just flown yourself to New York to do unpaid sets. You’re on a show with a guy whose whole set is about how he likes smoking pot and how dating is hard, and he’s done every comedy festival you haven’t done. It’s a hard time of year to be a comic then.

Summertime

After that is Summer, when you might hit the road and do some gigs, really remind yourself what it is to do comedy for real people, not those sycophants and ass kissers back home, except for every show you get to, everyone’s at the tractor pull or the air show or they’re just wandering the streets on a clear, warm summer night, holding hands and sharing a bag of kettle corn, like regular people, instead of spending the night trapped inside a sweaty comedy club listening to some LA asshole who can’t even get into festivals. And that’s a hard time of the year to do comedy.

Fall

After that it’s Fall, when your friends who write for television are up for Important Awards, and they look so great in their red carpet outfits. The new shows start and you’re not on any of ’em, I mean sure, you take some comfort in the fact that the pilot you didn’t get cast for didn’t get picked up, but it’s time to get out to the new comedy shows to kiss up to the new bookers, who two years ago were open mikers you wouldn’t deign to speak to but now you’re their Instagram friends, until they stop booking those shows and you quietly unfollow them. It’s a hard time of year to be comic, then.

And then, of course- it’s the holidays.

Jordan, Jesse, Go!

I’m always glad to pop in on my two favorite dorks and talk about draculas, Bad Venom, Godzilla, and Halloween! Listen here!

GHOST ROAST of DAVID BOWIE!

Yes, comedy fans, Bowie fans, all humanity- start making your plans for Saturday nights roast of David Bowie, where the ghost of David Bowie will be played by me, Virginia Jones!

(This is what Ghost Bowie looked like, in case anyone is curious)