Category: comedy

Life in HOLLYWOOD

The Casting Call

The audition asked for 50’s style plus-sized glamour queens who would be mean to their worshipful boyfriends. This is my jam. I frequently get calls for big booty ladies. Totally fine. 

The director (of the music video) is half of a popular absurdist Adult Swim comedy duo Tim and Eric.  I thought it would be pretty cool to work for him.

The Waiting Room

They asked actresses to audition in lingerie, which is again, fine.

I went to the waiting room and waited with five other bodacious ladies, most bigger than me, one smaller but very pinup looking.

One girl goes in and comes out and reports to the group, uh, they want you to bend over and they film your butt.  We all process that, and another girl leaves.  I’m more curious than ever. I’ve seen Wareheim’s video for Pon the Floor and it’s very funny/surreal and it has a lot of butts in it.

One lady leaves halfway through her audition. She said, I couldn’t do that, man.  She walks out before I find out what she couldn’t do.  Is it the same thing that Meatloaf couldn’t do?

The next lady comes out and basically mocks the women who left, she said, I’ve had it way worse, this is fine.  It’s the petite pinup lady.

The Audition

It’s my turn, I’m in a room with four white dudes and they say, we want to show you the concept art so we don’t waste each other’s time, and they show me paintings by Namio Harukawa of large women sitting on dude’s faces, and they ask, hey, are you cool with this?  Sitting on a man’s face?  And I said, am I cool with making porn?

And they said, no, it’s not porn. I said, well, I’m ok with simulated sex, but what is simulated about this?

One guy says, well, there’ll be a dental dam in between you.

I ask, if I have sex with a condom, isn’t that sex? I need to have pants between me and a stranger’s face.  Underpants, minimum.

This whole conversation is dumb anyway, because the reason I wanted to be in this video with Famous Ironic Misogynist is so I could put it in my reel, and I don’t think a clip of me riding face is going to get me the acting work I want.

I see the next day that they “extended casting” to get some more “adventurous ladies”.  If anyone’s listening, I suggest you change the call to read “We need you to park your naked keister on a dude’s face.”  There’s plenty of porn actresses that would be delighted to do it, for their day rate!  Don’t cheap out, cheap-os!  Hollywood!

The Aftermath

Update: the video is out, it’s Dripping by Blonde Redhead, and it’s beautifully lit and shot- and super NSFW.

 I don’t dislike kink or this kind of art, I just resent that I was being sold it like it was a non-union acting gig.  I’m a little tired of the trope of misogyny/sexualizing/mocking of plus sized women that Wareheim seems to work exclusively in.  That joke isn’t funny anymore, as the sometimes plus-sized Morrissey sang.

When “hey sup” is not enough: How To Talk To Women Online

This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message from the same guy, and we discovered it was the same message.

Many thanks to my anonymous friend Zeke Shandy for this excellent question:

“After ten years of internet dating, I’m still, I guess, awful at it.  How do I break the ice with a woman online?”

There are as many different approaches as there are women in the world.  I’d like to offer some advice based on my own internet dating experiences.  Not showing off, but I’ve been single a lot.  Lots and lots.

OKCupid released a study last year claiming it’s a numbers game, and the best bet for men is to send as many messages as possible.  They claim that blasting “Hey, how are you?” to five hundred women will get more first responses than spending the time to actually try to connect with fifty women.

Is It A Numbers Game?

  This is lazy: a person who is putting forth the absolute minimum effort annoys me.  This also includes “Hey.”  “Howdy.”  “What’s up.”  “How’s your weekend.” That approach employs the math of internet dating: trying to attract as many potential mates as possible so that you can sort through them later. 

I am a proponent of an old fashioned idea that you might like someone because you found their personality attractive, and you don’t wish to go on 500 dates with people who just ask how your weekend was.   

This week, a girlfriend and I got a heartfelt, funny, sincere and personal message online.  We discovered it was the same message.  I know the internet makes it feel like there are infinite numbers of single women to talk to, but there aren’t.   We called him on it and he said I have to send too many messages to women, I can’t write them all individually.  Well, ok, perhaps our bots can date?

Check out these do’s and don’ts!

DO: Mention what made you smile in her profile.

This is lots easier on sites like OK Cupid and Match.com with its questions and essays than it is on Tinder or other visual-based apps- where it’s easy to make initial connections, but hard to maintain ‘em.  After you’ve established that you’re both people who love standing in front of painted angel wings, where do you go from there?  Get her talking about an interest you have in common!

DON’T: Write a five paragraph essay mentioning your thoughts on every single thing in her profile

This feels slightly stalkery and also responding to it will feel like work.  Keep in mind that we’re probably tapping out responses on phones while waiting in line for coffee, so brevity is good!

DO: Make it clear that you’d like to connect with her.

I get a lot of super non-committal messages.  If you don’t want to talk to me, don’t.  Easy!

DO: Ask her out if you enjoy talking to her, and feel like she is responsive to you.

After a couple of days of back-and-forth but no plans, I’ll stop responding.  I’m a person with a finite amount of time on this earth and I can’t spend it telling twenty people how my weekend was.

DON’T: Get mad if she doesn’t want to give you her phone number.

I’ve had a ton of trouble with this, but if I haven’t met you, I don’t feel safe giving you my number.  Please respect my boundary.  I know not all men will text with crazy abuse and dick pics, but it happens enough that I established a policy.

DO: Be positive and fun.

If you’ve just started talking to someone, it might feel fun to immediately talk about the terrible experiences you’ve had on the dating scene, or how you specifically DON’T like something in her profile.  I don’t know where to go from there.  There’s so many ways to make a conversation fun, so try one of them!

GIVE SOMETHING TO GET SOMETHING: 

Try and ask a question that you’d be interested in hearing the answer to, and then write something back when she responds!  If you just respond to her last message “OK” , don’t be surprised when you don’t hear back.

DON’T mention her attractiveness:

 I assume if you’re writing me, you think I’m attractive.  Having a stranger dwell on your looks, particularly your body, is off-putting.

DON’T start with sexy talk:

Sexual attention is not welcome from a stranger.  I know my friend Zeke wouldn’t do it, and you shouldn’t either.  I know it feels like a compliment to tell a lady you’re thinking about motorboating them tits, but it isn’t.

I know internet dating is hard.  It can feel like work.  It’s hard to share a little of yourself with another person, but it’s the only way to get any good out of it. Ultimately, we’re all here to connect and learn and have good experiences!  Good luck, Zeke!

Anyone with a question can DM me on Facebook or Twitter, where I am @badiniadones!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/how-do-i-talk-to-a-girl-in-2016-the-internet-edition/3/#sthash.ndChtkQI.dpuf

 

Stand Up Comedy: 10 Years In!

Today is 10 years since I first did stand up comedy in Portland at the Boiler Room with Gabe Dinger, Kevin Michael Moore, Bobby Hacker, Richard Bain, Kyle Harbert, Jimmy Newstetter, and Randy Mendez.

Hardly any of those guys do comedy anymore and the karaoke bar is now a Starbucks.  I moved to Los Angeles and the beat goes on.

Ten years is thrown around as the time it takes to really find your voice as a comic and become consistent.  I think I had my voice early on, but I will say I have a confidence in my writing that I didn’t used to have.  We’ll see how the next ten years goes.

Here’s my stand up two years in.

Here’s my lid-blowing post about my first time.

Gothic American is EVERYWHERE!

Bandcamp: Listen for free, or order it for seven bucks!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

Itunes:

https://itun.es/us/uZwm_

Spotify:

Pandora:

http://www.pandora.com/virginia-jones/gothic-american

Top Review: 5*

Artful comedy with soul- Virginia knows who she is.  Her comedy is exactly what good art should be, the sum total of the artists’ experience, soaked in impactful emotions and presented with a cohesive voice honed from years of focus and dedication to the form.  Virginia’s fans know, and now you can learn just how smart, funny and willing to poke fun at herself this jewel of the comedy scene sis.  Even her dick jokes are original!  Do you know how hard that is?  Buy this album!

My Premiere Album: GOTHIC AMERICAN!

This is my comedy album, Gothic American, on Bandcamp, available to stream or buy! Also look for me on Spotify, Youtube, Amazon, Pandora, Itunes, and every damn place!

Gothic American!

coversml

I’m so excited to announce the release of my first album on Itunes today!

http://itunes.apple.com/album/id1060203732?ls=1&app=itunes

You can also buy a lovely autographed CD from me with additional art from Pete Ellison!

http://virginiajones.bandcamp.com/album/gothic-american

If you’ve ever wondered what I think about Caitlyn Jenner, Bill Cosby, Michael Jackson, feminism, catfood, Hot Topic, Northern White Rhinos, Dallas, Texas, Youtube, or gay rights, they’re all here!  This record was recorded at the Complex, and if you were there, maybe you can hear your laugh!

Buy it, rate it, share it, love it, send it to your Mom, and most of all, pay me money for it!

PRICING STRUCTURE

  1. $7- you can have the record on Bandcamp!  Right away!
  2. $10- you can have the record on digital from Itunes, on CD, or both and if you buy a CD I’ll autograph it and I’ll think good things about you.
  3. $30- you get the record and you can buy me lunch
  4. $40- you get the record and I’ll buy you lunch
  5. $50- you get the record, and you can tell people you’re my friend, both on social media and in life.
  6. $60- you get the record, I’ll take you out singing karaoke and some of my social cachet could rub off on you!
  7. $70- You get the record and I’ll lend you something out of my closet and you can wear it and everything!  There’s restrictions on this.  Nothing with a European label.  Don’t be ridiculous.
  8. $100- Matching tattoos.  Dealer’s choice.  Something small.
  9. $1000- We can get married.  No paperwork, ceremony and photo session only.  Also, an autographed CD to remember our special day with!

THANK YOU for your support, THANK YOU for buying my record, and THANK YOU for being you.