Category: comedy

Marriage: It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed.  That’s a best case scenario.

In my standup act, I ask the audience “Who’s married?” and hands go up.  Then, I ask, “Who USED to be married?” and lots of the same hands go up.  I berate them for making the same mistake twice-“Who ARE you people?  Who says, well, that sucked- let me try it again with some other asshole?”

I only sort of mean this.

But I don’t entirely *not* mean it.I was married for eight years.  That’s right, eight in a row, because anyone can take breaks, Janice!

My marriage ended badly, but that doesn’t mean that it was all bad.  I learned a lot about what marriage is.

The First Thing

The first thing I learned about marriage is that it’s not about the engagement or the parties or the wedding, the public things.  It’s the opposite of that.  It’s the ultimate private thing.  It is two people making a life together, alone.  It doesn’t have anything to do with looking pretty in a dress or if your mom enjoyed the reception. 

There is a whole industry geared up to tell you that marriage is about paying twice as much for shoes because they are white, and if you don’t have the right diamond ring, it means he doesn’t love you enough.  It’s not about that.

 I learned a lot of things about what marriage isn’t, or wasn’t for me.  It’s not an endless meet cute.  It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed.  If your primary motivator to get married is not the desire to make and share a life with that person, you should look at what it is you really want.

The Second Thing

The second thing I learned about marriage is that you could be so proud and excited about spending the rest of your life with this person and want to kill thim in the next moment.  One time I came home and found that my spouse had spent the day putting up shelves for me and I was so pleased.  I was just as aggravated the next day, when that same spouse had totaled his car doing something stupid.  It’s the same person.  “I’m so lucky, I can’t believe I’m married to you!” is the flip side of “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M MARRIED TO YOU.”  They’ll feel the same way about you sometimes!

They WILL do stupid things, and you will too.  Committing to the rest of your life together means that you’re going to have moments of strength and weakness, days when you take on the world and days when you can’t get out of bed.  If we were all paragons of virtue and strength every day, we wouldn’t need other people, we’d just be constantly having sex with celebrities.  I think.  And we’d never be sick or tired or unemployed or lonely, because we’d be so busy kicking the universe’s ass every single day.

The Third Thing

The third thing I learned about marriage is that it can transform you.

The support of another person, plus the time you save from online dating, means that each of you can really figure out what you want your life to look like.  Sure, you’ll probably stop matching your bra and panty sets and you’ll start eating more bread, but you can become a more fulfilled person.

The things your partner does will reflect on you in a way they never have before, both good and bad.  If they spout off at a party, fail to keep their promises, or behave antisocially, that’s your problem too.  Of course, if your spouse is a Nobel-prize winning doctor, some of that rubs off on you, as well.I also learned that your spouse is who they are.

The Fourth Thing

People can change behaviors but they can’t really change their identities.  When I met my husband, he was in a marriage that ended in infidelity.  Ours ended the same way.  He’s married again and I suspect it’ll end with another woman’s number in his phone.

The Fifth Thing

One good thing about being united with another human being is that you can learn more about who you are by contrast.  “That’s his thing.  That’s my thing.” 

You can find out more about where you overlap and don’t overlap.

Some Sexy News

Sex will get really good.   Having sex with one person, having years to figure each other out, means married sex can be incredible.

Your spouse will know you better than anyone.

I’m sorry that my marriage ended badly, because there are things I want to tell him sometimes that only he’ll get.  The person who was closest to you for ten years is hard to lose.

The Sixth Thing

The next thing I learned when my marriage ended was that all endings are sad.

Every person who tells you they are divorcing deserves your sympathy.  Even when the marriage was bad, there is a sadness in ending something that you hoped would last forever.

The Seventh Thing

The last thing I learned is that other people like being married, and when they’re healed and feeling strong, they’ll seek it out again, and I won’t.  And that’s OK, too.

 See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/7-things-i-learned-from-marriage-that-i-couldnt-learn-anywhere-else/2/#sthash.zO3bjcPV.dpuf

Welcome To The Friendzone!

It sounds like more fun than it is.  It sounds like there will be a waterslide.  There is no waterslide, just hurt feelings.

What Does It Mean?

The nicest definition of the Friendzone is: two people meet.  One person is interested in the other person romantically.  The other person is not interested, but says they want to be friends.

Why Does It Happen?

Sometimes that person doesn’t really want to be friends, but it’s easier to say that than to make up a boyfriend or to say “I have no space for you in my life, and I’m not going to return your texts.”

Sometimes two people will go on a few dates before one person will say “I like you as a friend.” 

Women are trained to be polite and deferential to men, and not to say things like “I don’t find you attractive.” 

Also, women are worried that if we are crystal clear that we are not interested in sex, men will stop talking to us, because we are only worthy as a sexual partner/conquest/etc.

It Happens To Everyone

One of the hardest things about being a person with feelings is: sometimes those feelings are not reciprocated.  

This happens to everyone, even Johnny Depp and Ariana Grande.  Everyone.  Everyone you know has liked someone who did not like them back.  President Obama.  Channing Tatum.  That lady on TikTok who is famous for her butt.  Everyone.

Sometimes men will complain about being Friendzoned.  It doesn’t sound so bad, except when you start peeling the first onion layer you find a really misogynist onion.

Fallacies of Friendzoning-First Men, Then Women:

I met someone I am attracted to.  There’s a fifty-fifty shot that she’ll choose me. 

It’s actually a lot lower than that.  If women slept with everyone who wanted to sleep with us, we’d never get anything else done, like laundry or higher education. 

The Friendzone is the default zone.  Almost everyone goes there.  It’s not so bad.  We like you, we value your company.  We just don’t want to date you.

There’s something I could have done or said that would have kept me out of the Friendzone.

I’ve heard several versions of this- if a man didn’t act dominant or aggressive enough, a woman would stop thinking of him as a romantic partner.  This happens with snakes and prey- if you drop a mouse into a cage with a snake who’s just eaten, the snake will get used to the mouse, and just cohabitate with it and will never get around to eating it.

This attitude heaps guilt on the rejected party.  Probably there wasn’t anything you could have done.  You’re just not the guy she likes.  Science says it might be as much smell as anything, so it doesn’t matter what bands you put on a Spotify mix for her or whether you were wearing your nicest Scarface shirt that day.  

Every Day Is A New Day

If it makes you feel better to think you could have done something different, maybe try that approach next time, but if the chemistry doesn’t go both ways, you’re gonna be right back in the Friendzone.

Jerks Always Get The Girl, Nice Guys Like Me Get Friendzoned.

Well- if you feel entitled to have sex with everyone you like, or if you’re a good friend to a girl you deserve sex- you’re also a jerk!  You’re just a jerk she doesn’t like.

If you don’t want to be her friend, don’t. 

If you’re only being her friend in case one night she decides to sleep with you, don’t.  Be her friend because you think she’s cool and you like her company.  If you liked her so much, but not enough to be her friend: what did you like about her?

Women and Friendzoning:

Whenever a guy I liked didn’t like me, I assumed that either I was too fat or he was threatened that I was smarter than he was.  It depended on how I was feeling that day.  I never blamed him for not liking me back, and I never said “MAN IF I’D BEEN AGGRESSIVE I WOULDN’T BE IN THIS STUPID FRIENDZONE.”

Pretty in Pink Friendzoning:

In the film Pretty in Pink, Duckie is Friendzoned by Andie.  He spends the movie romantically pining and pretending that she doesn’t know that he’s interested in her.  When he freaks out on her for being on a date, it’s clear that she’s known all along. 

The audience sides with him in the movie and wants him to get the girl, even though she has never acted interested in him.  “But he’s been such a good friend to her!” So what?  She’s a good friend to him, too.  Why is his time worth her sexual interest?  And in the end he was just as interested in a random blonde at prom, anyway.

Jon Hamm Friendzoning Me:

Because I am a Hollywood type person with a modern a go-go lifestyle, last Wednesday I was in a room with Mad Men’s Jon Hamm.

  He is incredibly handsome.  We had a brief exchange, I was friendly, I was charming, I was wearing a dress and everything, but he treated me as a friend, or as a stranger at a comedy show.  That’s right: I was friendzoned by Jon Hamm, which is HORSEFEATHERS because I KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW.   I WOULD BE SO NICE TO YOU JON HAMM.

Crossed signals happen to everyone.  Stop talking about the friendzone.  Be as honest, kind, and open as you can, and also dress up when you go out, because people like that.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/finding-yourself-in-the-friendzone/2/#sthash.9NjdbEMF.dpuf

I asked readers for questions on online dating from ladies and men, and you really came through!  Thank you so much.

Q: How do you politely end a disastrous first date?

A: First of all- set a time limit for your first date of about an hour.  After that, you have a good idea of whether or not you’d like to spend more time with that person.  Come pre-loaded with an excuse like meeting a friend, or an appointment elsewhere.  Good ideas for first dates include small things, like meeting for a coffee or a drink.  Terrible first date ideas include: attending your cousin’s wedding, going on a road trip to Montreal, or taking a six week long Cantonese cooking course.

No matter how awkward the date is, you can give someone an hour of your time, then bow out and thank them for meeting with you.  You might get a story out of it, or make a friend, or learn something you didn’t know before.  Being polite costs nothing.

Of course, if after an hour you are both looking at each other with sparkly eyes and you just ate a piece of spaghetti together and kissed at the end, you can totally agree to continue the date.

Q: When should you let someone know whether or not you’d like to see them again?

A:  If you have the gumption to tell someone face to face that you really enjoyed meeting them and ask if you can see them again, do so.  It’s the romantic thing to do.  Otherwise, say nothing, slink away and text them surreptitiously when you get back to your car, or send them a message online.

If you don’t want to see them again after the first date, just say nothing.  This is the default setting.

Q: I’m out on a date in a bar, but I see another attractive person in the room.  Since I’m not in a relationship, isn’t it fine to chat up and ask that person out as well?

A: This is incredibly rude, and telling me that I’m being ridiculous and it wasn’t rude at all doesn’t change anything, Matt!

When you’re on a date, that time belongs to that person.  If you can’t commit to giving one person your undivided attention for a few hours, don’t go on dates, just keep swiping on Tinder.

Q: I’m on a first date with someone who I really like- in the interest of transparency, don’t I need to tell them that I have other first dates planned?

A:  Not only is this none of their business, it’s actually a bit rude.  Going on a first date is more like going on a job interview than it is a romantic event.  You wouldn’t tell an interviewer how many other companies you were trying to get hired at, right?  Not until it was time to talk money.  Treat dating the same way, except never talk about money because then you’re not dating, you’re an escort.

Q: When can I assume that the person I’m seeing isn’t seeing other people?

A:  Never.  Even if you fall in love and move in together and she supports you through graduate school and you stick by her side after she loses her pet hamster in a freak road paving accident, and you get older, start wearing only sweatpants and eventually die holding hands in front of the television, unless you have specifically asked “are you interested in being monogamous?”, you’re best off assuming she was continuing to see other people throughout.
Q: How long of a relationship is too long for ghosting, or suddenly ending contact with someone without notice?

A: According to Charlize Theron, two years of dating isn’t too long to stop responding to Sean Penn’s texts, calls, and desperate floral deliveries.  For most of us, this is insensitive.  Think of the golden rule.  Is this how you’d like to be treated?  Anything after five dates probably deserves some sort of goodbye.

Q: I have been speaking to a man online and he has asked me out, but I don’t feel any spark of interest.  Should I give it a shot anyway, just in case?

A: Pretending to like someone is a waste of everyone’s time.  This is what the song Cruel to be Kind is about.  If you really aren’t interested, you’re not, and that’s nobody’s fault, except for maybe his fault for wearing a wrinkled shirt in every photograph and not listening to anything besides Bel Biv Devoe.  Attraction is strange and unpredictable and that’s part of its magic.

Q: I was out with my friend and we ran into a girl I recently matched with on Tinder, but I hadn’t messaged yet.  They wound up hooking up in a bathroom.  Isn’t he in the wrong?

A:  If you didn’t make plans with her and never met her, she’s just another stranger, and their toilet hookup is as meaningless as yours would have been.  Better luck next time!

Q:  I’m on a first date and she won’t put her phone down.  When can I leave?

A: If it’s been more than ten minutes since she’s spoken or made eye contact, see if you can pay the bill and sneak out the door without rousing her curiosity or interrupting her game of Candy Crush!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/mind-your-manners/#sthash.tVqsf6J7.dpuf