Category: comedy

I Have A Dark Footish

My friend Simon Max Hill is a hard-working casting agent who has been casting Portlandia, Nike spots, and other important television from his seat in Portland,OR.  He’s also an enthusiast of dancing, robots, and being a super weird generator of ideas at all times.  On Tuesday, he announced that it was my responsibility to make a sock puppet music video, and by Thursday I had it up.

  Here’s Dark Footish covering the Smiths.  And to the nice lady who said “Oh, this is great, I hope there’s more!”- it currently has 22 views.  I am the gothic Naomi Campbell of Youtube, I don’t get out of my coffin for fewer than 100 views.

Update: Four years later and we’re up to 140 views, only 410 fewer than a video of Bloodmeadow cracking her neck.

Slowish Lorish

You guys this is a slow loris and I know he’s super cute but he’s also got a venomous sac near his elbow. Super duper don’t touch that elbow, you guys. If he says stuff like “no I’m a regular speed loris you can fully touch my elbow” don’t believe him because he nearly killed Lady Gaga that way. If he keeps pushing you to touch it I would get kind of suspicious, like what’s up, slow loris? Are you trying to kill me? Didn’t I hear that you’re one of the only venomous mammals? And he’s all no that’s just what haters say, touch my elbow.

 

 

I’m A Gothic Doll?

A goth doll: (my friend Sal wrote a blog post about figurines and he reckons this one is me.  Here’s the whole post, if you must)

One of my favorite Facebook friends is a comedienne named Virginia Jones. When I saw this figure it reminded me of her. I recently heard her on an Internet radio program. She’s so funny! This figure was new, in-package, for only $4.99! Now I need the whole set!

Virginia: I would not pierce my lip now, just as I won’t put my tongue bar back in.  You’re just begging to chip a tooth.  I have also never worn buckles down the front of my dress.  Apart from that, it’s perfect.

Dazzling Red Carpet: 14 Prep Tips For Actresses!

It’s 10 AM, time to get ready for the party in 14 easy steps!

1: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.

2: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond-head drill

3: Get pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until you can wear a size 6.

4: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube

5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower self into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem

6: Whole body is airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M

7: Hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with wig

8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile

9: Show makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have animal fur glued to eyelashes.

10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage

11: Fancy art manicure! Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”

12: Sewing self into gown, add special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight

13: PERFECT! Get strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk-in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!

14: After the event, read all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!

Smile- GLENDALIA LOVES YOU!

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GLENDALIA LOVES YOU! Come be our Valentine, along with:

Chuck Sklar– As seen on Conan O’ Brien and Chris Rock!
Jon Huck- Live at Gotham, Comedy Central
Andy Peters– EXCLAMATION MARK album, winner of Rocky Mountain Laugh Off
Alysia Wood– Winner- America’s Next Funniest, LCS!
Kyle Shire– Flappers’ regular, number one in your hearts
Adam Gropman– SF Punchline, The Comedy Store, Improv
Cat Rhinehart-LAUGHS TV, overall hilarious lady

and your lovely hosts, Dax Jordan and Virginia Jones!

21+
No Cover!

Two lottery spots for visiting comics!

We’re excited to bring you another free night of LA’s finest comedians in a goth bar in Glendale- here’s the Facebook invite page!

Thank you, youtube subscribers!

Thank you to my Youtube Subscribers!

This is a video in which I thank all of my Youtube subscribers and make notes about who subscribes to me.  Thank you, I appreciate all my Youtube subscribers!  I always meant to do another of these when I got another 100 Youtube subscribers but haven’t.