Category: comedy

First post for LOVE TV

Well, the nice people at LoveTV are letting me write articles for them about love, sex, and dating, and then they did me the favor of decorating my article with stock photos, here of good-looking Asian models.  It’s called How To Date Today: A Guide For Every Generation.

Young Couple Kissing In Restaurant

“I went on a nice date with a man last week.  We spoke for hours, and I think we really liked each other.”

 “That’s great, Mom.”

“Shouldn’t I cancel the other two dates, because I like the first man?”

“No, mother, you can’t tell anything from a first date.  Meet the other guys and see what happens.”

My mom called a couple days later to say she hadn’t heard from that first guy that she liked, even though she really thought she would, and why would he spend so much time with her if he wasn’t interested in seeing her again?  That’s when I realized the real sadness of millennial style dating- explaining to your mom that she’s not allowed to develop feelings for people right away.  The first step of online dating is not setting up your profile, but building a turtle shell of indifference around your heart. 

The next week, my sister told me “That guy finally called Mom.  He’s pulled up outside her house.  I am totally spying on our mom.   Oh my god he brought flowers.  Oh my god she’s walking him into the house.”

 I assured her that it was just to put the flowers in water, and that she shouldn’t worry.  “Baby boomers don’t jump into the sack like twenty year olds with no body hair.  There’s only so much they can affect.  I think.”   But honestly, I don’t know for sure.

I Have A Dark Footish

My friend Simon Max Hill is a hard-working casting agent who has been casting Portlandia, Nike spots, and other important television from his seat in Portland,OR.  He’s also an enthusiast of dancing, robots, and being a super weird generator of ideas at all times.  On Tuesday, he announced that it was my responsibility to make a sock puppet music video, and by Thursday I had it up.

  Here’s Dark Footish covering the Smiths.  And to the nice lady who said “Oh, this is great, I hope there’s more!”- it currently has 22 views.  I am the gothic Naomi Campbell of Youtube, I don’t get out of my coffin for fewer than 100 views.

Update: Four years later and we’re up to 140 views, only 410 fewer than a video of Bloodmeadow cracking her neck.

Slowish Lorish

You guys this is a slow loris and I know he’s super cute but he’s also got a venomous sac near his elbow. Super duper don’t touch that elbow, you guys. If he says stuff like “no I’m a regular speed loris you can fully touch my elbow” don’t believe him because he nearly killed Lady Gaga that way. If he keeps pushing you to touch it I would get kind of suspicious, like what’s up, slow loris? Are you trying to kill me? Didn’t I hear that you’re one of the only venomous mammals? And he’s all no that’s just what haters say, touch my elbow.

 

 

I’m A Gothic Doll?

A goth doll: (my friend Sal wrote a blog post about figurines and he reckons this one is me.  Here’s the whole post, if you must)

One of my favorite Facebook friends is a comedienne named Virginia Jones. When I saw this figure it reminded me of her. I recently heard her on an Internet radio program. She’s so funny! This figure was new, in-package, for only $4.99! Now I need the whole set!

Virginia: I would not pierce my lip now, just as I won’t put my tongue bar back in.  You’re just begging to chip a tooth.  I have also never worn buckles down the front of my dress.  Apart from that, it’s perfect.

Dazzling Red Carpet: 14 Prep Tips For Actresses!

It’s 10 AM, time to get ready for the party in 14 easy steps!

1: Blanch skin in boiling water, shave all body hair.

2: Steam vagina with lavender, open pores with small diamond-head drill

3: Get pedicure where fish eat your feet. Leave feet in until you can wear a size 6.

4: After weeks of fasting, refresh and relax by sucking on Acai flavored ice cube

5: Slip arms into leather straps, lower self into a vat of rejuvenating placenta. Whose placenta? Not my problem

6: Whole body is airbrushed the color of the long-extinct light brown M&M

7: Hair ombré dyed, conditioned, washed, cut, blown out, flatironed, teased, finally shaved off and replaced with wig

8: Time to contour! Highlight what you like and lowlight what you don’t until you resemble topographic map of Chile

9: Show makeup artist picture of Kim Kardashian and ask her to paint on middle of face, frame the rest with hair. Have animal fur glued to eyelashes.

10: Wrap body tightly in duct tape and Saran Wrap, tape boobs and ass together for out of this world cleavage

11: Fancy art manicure! Tell manicurist “I want something about the whitewashing of minority stories in Hollywood.”

12: Sewing self into gown, add special matching pouch for catheter bag so don’t have to take it off until midnight

13: PERFECT! Get strapped onto gurney and wheeled into walk-in freezer to preserve look until the Uber gets here!

14: After the event, read all the tweets ripping you apart for being fat and ugly and not trying hard enough!

Smile- GLENDALIA LOVES YOU!

https://www.flickr.com/photos/badinia/16595818356/in/dateposted-public/” title=”glendalia11b”>

GLENDALIA LOVES YOU! Come be our Valentine, along with:

Chuck Sklar– As seen on Conan O’ Brien and Chris Rock!
Jon Huck- Live at Gotham, Comedy Central
Andy Peters– EXCLAMATION MARK album, winner of Rocky Mountain Laugh Off
Alysia Wood– Winner- America’s Next Funniest, LCS!
Kyle Shire– Flappers’ regular, number one in your hearts
Adam Gropman– SF Punchline, The Comedy Store, Improv
Cat Rhinehart-LAUGHS TV, overall hilarious lady

and your lovely hosts, Dax Jordan and Virginia Jones!

21+
No Cover!

Two lottery spots for visiting comics!

We’re excited to bring you another free night of LA’s finest comedians in a goth bar in Glendale- here’s the Facebook invite page!

Thank you, youtube subscribers!

Thank you to my Youtube Subscribers!

This is a video in which I thank all of my Youtube subscribers and make notes about who subscribes to me.  Thank you, I appreciate all my Youtube subscribers!  I always meant to do another of these when I got another 100 Youtube subscribers but haven’t.