Well, my angels, I did not make the cut to finals, but I had a great week, I got drunk in a casino and pretended I was a giant Canadian’s wife, I had some amazing SF company and vegan food, and I got to perform to a 1500 person audience in beautiful Santa Rosa. Here’s my set, introduced by the hilarious Sammy Obeid.
“Let me eat your pussy – m4w – 34 (Marina Del Rey)
age : 34 body : average height : 5’10” (177cm)
Looking for someone who wants their pussy serviced orally. I am not looking for anything in return.
Open to all ages and sizes.
I am clean and expect you to be the same.
If interested reply with the name of a state in the subject line.”
OK, this one’s a little more straightforward, but I think I can get the following out of it.
“age : 34 body : average height : 5’10″”
age : 34 body : fat height : 5’8″
“Looking for someone who wants their pussy serviced orally. I am not looking for anything in return.”
It’s a calculated risk, but I think I can probably guilt you into at least a handy.
“Open to all ages and sizes.”
I am extremely challenging to look at. It’s OK if you’re the same. No matter what you think, you will never be able to picture what will greet you at the door in Marina del Rey. Look, I know I’m not going to get a supermodel, but if you have a vagina I will try to lick it. I am not good at it. If I were good at it, I would have a roster of women texting me at bar closing time every night.
“I am clean and expect you to be the same.”
It seems weird that I have to point this out, but apparently the people who successfully avoid venereal disease are not the same people who are willing to risk their lives to get oral from randos on Craigslist. Anyway, after years of living on processed cheese and chicken nuggets, I don’t have the cardiovascular health to keep it up with a condom on, so please at least tell me you’re disease-free.
“If interested please reply with the name of a state in the subject line.”
I didn’t finish high school and I would like to learn some more names of states. I figure, two birds!
I’m very excited to be moving on to the next level in the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. I used to think I hated comedy competitions, but really I just hate the ones I’m doing badly in? Look to the right of this very article to see the dates in the next heat, running in and around SF Sept 22-27! Wish me luck!
POSTSCRIPT: We had a lotta fun, Kabir Singh took it home in the end, and I didn’t make it out of semis. What’s the expression? It was an honor to be nominated. And it was! I had some great shows and worked with some great people.
The lovely and vivacious Sharon Houston asked for my take on this Missed Connection, and it’s a doozy:
“Girl in the Planned Parenthood in Lakewood – m4w – 25
age : 25
I felt like you were trying to catch my eye, and Im not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or bad way haha let me know. I was with a girl and wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants with glasses. If this is you let me know what you were wearing, because I thought you looked really good but I just couldnt say it or stare too long because im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman (:”
First of all, we all know that hitting on a girl at a sex clinic takes brass balls, or at least a certain lack of both self awareness and social graces. To do so while accompanying another girl to the sex clinic is just phenomenal.
“Not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or a bad way…wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants.”
LOL WTF She’s looking at you in a bad way, asswipe. You’re wearing sweat pants in public like a giant baby- and if you can’t dress up for your first abortion, what will you dress up for?
“haha let me know”
I am prone to faking laughter when things get awkward haha. It’s how you can tell I’m an indigo child LOL.
“im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman”
And what amazing, punctuation-starved company that is! I hope both your STD screens came out clean? Yes, I’m pretty sure that waiting until you’re alone to post a missed connection is what nice guys and gentlemen do.
“Let me know what you were wearing”- I hope you remember what you had on every time some asshole stares at you in public. While we’re at it, what kind of phone do I have? What color are my eyes? What inconsistencies were circled in the Highlights magazine in the waiting room? Are you not the Sherlock fucking Holmes of strangers staring at you?
I’m kidding, kid. I hope you do find love with everyone at the sex clinic.
My first Missed Connection interpretation is here.
Girl with PURPLE HAIR at Grumpy Cat event – m4w (West Side/Santa Monica)
I saw you in line at Kitson for the Grumpy Cat book signing. I commented that I loved your hair. I couldn’t talk then, but I’d love to connect! E-Mail me if you find this and would like to talk! You are stunning. 🙂 Doubt this will work, but you never know!
OK, let’s read this for comprehension:
“AT A GRUMPY CAT EVENT”: we are both idiot children raised by the Internet who worship an animal so crippled by neurological dysfunction that it cannot walk and will be dead in a year, but whose owners will try to retire on the money he earns
“You had purple hair”: you saw something in a magazine and decided to adopt a Festival lifestyle but your favorite band is Arcade Fire and you’ve never heard of any other bands.
“I couldn’t talk then”- I was with my girlfriend, but I don’t think she reads these, I didn’t mention anything about my own appearance, and I don’t think she heard me tell you I liked your hair
FUCK THEM IN THE FACE
Postscript: Grumpy Cat and his ne’er do well compatriot, Lil Bub, passed away the same year in 2019, of their profound medical anomalies. I don’t know what happened to the star-crossed lovers in this ad.
It’s not exactly Portlandia, but when it comes to the latest in chortlesome comedy on the fringes, Glendalia is your place to be. Co-presenters Virginia Jones and Dax Jordan have been working hard since April to evolve this monthly stand-up salon with a raucous roster of punchateers. This week’s comics and their relevant tweets: MADtv‘s Matt Braunger (“If I ever decide to commit suicide, it’ll be by doing the worm downstairs.”), Conan‘s Tony Camin (“Writing a biography of the HPV virus. Warts and all”), Marcella Arguello (“If there’s one thing I hate, it’s everything.”), Ron Babcock of Why Would You Eat That? gross-out webcast fame and whimsical woman Scout Durwood. That it’s being held in a goth club is also rather amusing: further proof that darkness needs light to exist. Complex, 806 E. Colorado St., Glendale; Tue., Aug. 5, 8 p.m.; free; 21 and older. (323) 642-7519, complexla.com.
Andy Wood made this keen observation on the songs of Morrissey and the Smiths- but that’s not the end of the story.
There’s also starting with the chorus, singing exclusively about stuff you hate, and lots of grace notes! So there!