Category: comedy

Reading Between The Lines: Interpreting Craigslist Missed Connections Part 3

 

“Let me eat your pussy – m4w – 34 (Marina Del Rey)
age : 34 body : average height : 5’10” (177cm)

Looking for someone who wants their pussy serviced orally. I am not looking for anything in return.

Open to all ages and sizes.

I am clean and expect you to be the same.

If interested reply with the name of a state in the subject line.”

 

OK, this one’s a little more straightforward, but I think I can get the following out of it.

“age : 34 body : average height : 5’10″”

age : 34 body : fat  height : 5’8″

“Looking for someone who wants their pussy serviced orally. I am not looking for anything in return.”

It’s a calculated risk, but I think I can probably guilt you into at least a handy.

“Open to all ages and sizes.”

I am extremely challenging to look at. It’s OK if you’re the same. No matter what you think, you will never be able to picture what will greet you at the door in Marina del Rey.  Look, I know I’m not going to get a supermodel, but if you have a vagina I will try to lick it. I am not good at it. If I were good at it, I would have a roster of women texting me at bar closing time every night.

“I am clean and expect you to be the same.”

It seems weird that I have to point this out, but apparently the people who successfully avoid venereal disease are not the same people who are willing to risk their lives to get oral from randos on Craigslist. Anyway, after years of living on processed cheese and chicken nuggets, I don’t have the cardiovascular health to keep it up with a condom on, so please at least tell me you’re disease-free.

“If interested please reply with the name of a state in the subject line.”

I didn’t finish high school and I would like to learn some more names of states. I figure, two birds!

39th Annual San Francisco International Comedy Competition!

The first prelim results!

I’m very excited to be moving on to the next level in the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. I used to think I hated   comedy competitions, but really I just hate the ones I’m doing badly in?  Look to the right of this very article to see the dates in the next heat, running in and around SF Sept 22-27!  Wish me luck!

 

POSTSCRIPT:  We had a lotta fun, Kabir Singh took it home in the end, and I didn’t make it out of semis.  What’s the expression?  It was an honor to be nominated.  And it was!  I had some great shows and worked with some great people.

Reading Between The Lines: Interpreting Craigslist Missed Connections Part Two

The lovely and vivacious Sharon Houston asked for my take on this Missed Connection, and it’s a doozy:

“Girl in the Planned Parenthood in Lakewood – m4w – 25
age : 25

I felt like you were trying to catch my eye, and Im not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or bad way haha let me know.  I was with a girl and wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants with glasses. If this is you let me know what you were wearing, because I thought you looked really good but I just couldnt say it or stare too long because im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman (:”

First of all, we all know that hitting on a girl at a sex clinic takes brass balls, or at least a certain lack of both self awareness and social graces. To do so while accompanying another girl to the sex clinic is just phenomenal.

“Not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or a bad way…wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants.”

LOL WTF She’s looking at you in a bad way, asswipe. You’re wearing sweat pants in public like a giant baby- and if you can’t dress up for your first abortion, what will you dress up for?

“haha let me know”

I am prone to faking laughter when things get awkward haha.  It’s how you can tell I’m an indigo child LOL.

“im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman”

And what amazing, punctuation-starved company that is!  I hope both your STD screens came out clean?  Yes, I’m pretty sure that waiting until you’re alone to post a missed connection is what nice guys and gentlemen do.

“Let me know what you were wearing”- I hope you remember what you had on every time some asshole stares at you in public. While we’re at it, what kind of phone do I have? What color are my eyes? What inconsistencies were circled in the Highlights magazine in the waiting room? Are you not the Sherlock fucking Holmes of strangers staring at you?

I’m kidding, kid. I hope you do find love with everyone at the sex clinic.

My first Missed Connection interpretation is here.

Reading Between The Lines: Translating Missed Connections on Craigslist

Girl with PURPLE HAIR at Grumpy Cat event – m4w (West Side/Santa Monica)

I saw you in line at Kitson for the Grumpy Cat book signing. I commented that I loved your hair. I couldn’t talk then, but I’d love to connect! E-Mail me if you find this and would like to talk! You are stunning. 🙂 Doubt this will work, but you never know!

OK, let’s read this for comprehension:

“AT A GRUMPY CAT EVENT”: we are both idiot children raised by the Internet who worship an animal so crippled by neurological dysfunction that it cannot walk and will be dead in a year, but whose owners will try to retire on the money he earns

“You had purple hair”: you saw something in a magazine and decided to adopt a Festival lifestyle but your favorite band is Arcade Fire and you’ve never heard of any other bands.

“I couldn’t talk then”- I was with my girlfriend, but I don’t think she reads these, I didn’t mention anything about my own appearance, and I don’t think she heard me tell you I liked your hair

FUCK THEM IN THE FACE

Postscript: Grumpy Cat and his ne’er do well compatriot, Lil Bub, passed away the same year in 2019, of their profound medical anomalies.  I don’t know what happened to the star-crossed lovers in this ad.

GLENDALIA in LA WEEKLY!

 

It’s not exactly Portlandia, but when it comes to the latest in chortlesome comedy on the fringes, Glendalia is your place to be. Co-presenters Virginia Jones and Dax Jordan have been working hard since April to evolve this monthly stand-up salon with a raucous roster of punchateers. This week’s comics and their relevant tweets: MADtv‘s Matt Braunger (“If I ever decide to commit suicide, it’ll be by doing the worm downstairs.”), Conan‘s Tony Camin (“Writing a biography of the HPV virus. Warts and all”), Marcella Arguello (“If there’s one thing I hate, it’s everything.”), Ron Babcock of Why Would You Eat That? gross-out webcast fame and whimsical woman Scout Durwood. That it’s being held in a goth club is also rather amusing: further proof that darkness needs light to exist. Complex, 806 E. Colorado St., Glendale; Tue., Aug. 5, 8 p.m.; free; 21 and older. (323) 642-7519, complexla.com.

— David Cotner

 

Baby Ketten Los Angeles!

 

 

Dear Los Angelans:

I’m very excited to share with you some important mews.  The legendary Baby Ketten Karaoke, with the baddest book in the universe, (where “bad” means “good” and “universe” means “Continental United States”) is opening a local satellite that will run first and third Sundays at the Ace Hotel in LA, starting Sunday, Aug 3rd!  RSVP here!

It’s slated to be rooftop karaoke, with plenty of space for dancing and singing and hot tubbing and shenanigans, run by the Ketten’s close friend Meggie Nicole!  If we have ever stood next to each other for any amount of time you have heard me run my mouth about Portland’s Baby Ketten, which is the best karaoke ever.  The book is not just expansive but obsessive, with many many many original Ketten-only tracks, and constantly updated with today’s weirdest hits!  Here’s the New York Times article on the Ketten phenom: here!

Have you ever wanted to sing Siouxsie Sioux’s apocalyptic lullaby, Metal Postcard? Probably not, but I did, and I sang it at Baby Ketten!  Bauhaus’ Kick in the Eye? Think you can keep an audience through Pulp’s bump and grind classic, This is Hardcore? Find out! Do you think singing Laid by James will get a singalong going? Can you handle Tori Amos’ Crucify? Do you think you can step to The Strangler’s Peaches?

Here is a partial listing of my favorite Baby Ketten Karaoke tracks to give you a taste.    Go to their website here or install the app to look for your favorite songs!  YES OF COURSE THEY HAVE AN APP!

 

Mark Ronson- Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This one Before

Suicidal Tendencies- Institutionalized

Nine Inch Nails- Something I Can Never Have

Hoodoo Gurus- Like Wow, Wipeout

Tori Amos- Smells Like Teen Spirit

The Smiths- The Queen Is Dead

The Horrors- Still Life

She & Him- Why Do You Let Me Stay Here?

The Cure- Why Can’t I Be You?

The Cure- The Walk

LCD Soundsystem- Daft Punk Is Playing At My House

Radiohead- Lucky

The Normal- Warm Leatherette

The Dead Milkmen- Instant Club Hit

Rufus Wainwright- Vibrate

Nina Simone- I Need A Little Sugar In My Bowl

Desire- Under Your Spell

Belle And Sebastian- Lord Antony

Siouxsie and the Banshees-Metal Postcard

Echo and the Bunnymen-Killing Moon

XTC-Senses Working Overtime

Japan-Quiet Life

Replacements-Alex Chilton

Nick Cave-Red Right Hand

Proclaimers-Sunshine on Leith

Beats International-Dub Be Good To Me

Belle and Sebastian-Funny Little Frog

Pixies- No. 13 Baby

Beautiful South-Rotterdam

Pulp- This is Hardcore

Psychic TV- Godstar

Warpaint- Undertow

AND SO MUCH MOAR!

I love the Ketten so much I have talked about them in my blog before, here and here!

POSTSCRIPT: This show ROCKED and everyone who was a part of it was GREAT!  Local karaoke celebs Kevin Cable and Howard Hallis came out!  BABY KETTEN will be back Aug 17!