This Week.


Ok well- Tonight at 9 I am in the Eagle Rock Comedy Festival, which is the finest comedy festival in the world that runs from Tuesday to Thursday, my set is in the 5 Line Tavern at 2136 Colorado Blvd.

Wednesday at 9 I am hosting the Lush Hour show at the Melody Lounge in Chinatown with my partner Lizzy. Together we are GOTHIXXX, two gothgirls who are best friends.

Thursday at 7:30 I am on the Driveway of Laughs show at Rafa’s in Echo Park, which is essentially a basement full of pot smoke hosted by Scott Luhrs.

I am on a show on Saturday at 11:30 PM at the M.I. Westside Theatre in Santa Monica called Twelve Shiny Nickels.

My own show, GLENDALIA, returns to COMPLEX in Glendale on Tuesday, July 1st at 10:30. It’s free and the lineup is wonderful, including Emily Heller, Guy Branum, Robert Yasumura, Mike Burns, Tess Barker, and J.J. Whitehead!

That’s everything. Forgive me.

GLENDALIA July 1!

glendalia4 (2)

 

Photo credit Jonathan Saunders

Emily Heller- Conan, @midnight, Variety’s Top 10 Comics To Watch, and a wonderful person

Guy Branum- contributor on  Chelsea Lately, writer at Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell

J.J. Whitehead-  Has performed 7 shows at the Edinburgh Fringe, has performed in festivals International Comedy in Australia, New Zealand, Ireland, UK, Holland, and Canada!

Mike Burns- twitter sensation @dadboner, author of “Power Moves: Livin’ the American Dream, USA Style.

Robert Yasumura- Jimmy Dore show writer and contributor, podcast compulsive, former host of the world’s best open mike, the Open Mike of Love at Brewco.

Tess Barker- Comedy Store, Improv, and Comedy Central Stage. ‘Lady to Lady’ podcast!

As always, we are at Complex at 806 E. Colorado at 10:30, with two lottery spots open for visiting comics!  Visit the event page here!

 

 

 

Crystal Lakehouse

What if the lady from the Lakehouse was corresponding with a kid from Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th?  This is a Camp Kittenpants exercise written by myself and @ahm76

The Beginning

Dear Mrs. Forster;

I just got to camp and found your letter in my mailbox!  Thank you!  I hope your lawn does OK for two weeks without me, ha ha.  Listen,  I don’t know if that rhododendron bush is gonna make it.   I cut it back and tried to save it but it was really crispy.  Man, It’s good to be back at camp.  I can’t believe it was only last year that the one weird kid drowned.  It feels like forever ago.

  Anyway, I’m super excited.  I got here early ‘cos I wanted to be able to pick my bunk and make my lanyard before all my friends got here, Steve and Dennis and Todd and Mikey.  I’m hoping Angela will be here soon too.   I’m a lot bigger this year and I hope Angela will be too.   The good kind of big.  Like, tits. I have a six pack of ding dongs my mom gave me to share with my friends!  Camp Crystal Lake forever!

  Best wishes,

  Johnny R.

Dear Johnny;

I’m so shocked to hear that the camp has had two drownings in two years!  I’m sure you heard- last week, a child named Jason Vorhees drowned and his mother has been beside herself.  She lives on my street.  She was inconsolable and had to be sedated, she showed up at the police station screaming.  I feel for her.  He was her only child, it’s the worst thing that could happen.  She used to work at the camp, too, I don’t know what she’ll do now.

I am happy to finally get to know you better. You’ve been cutting my lawn for a year, and I’ve always wanted to invite you over for some lemonade and private chat. You’re very mature for 15. Very mature. I’m sure Angela will find that you’re big enough.

 P.S. Rhododendron bush?  I’ve been thinking of putting one in, actually.  You’re a clever young man.

 And I think we’re good enough friends now that you don’t have to call me Mrs. Forster anymore.  Call me Kate.

Regards, Kate

Dear Mrs. Kate;

   I’m 16 now, and I’ve been your lawn boy for two years. Remember? You gave me a portrait of yourself in a sequined nightie for my birthday. I don’t know what’s happening exactly with your letter, but the drowning wasn’t last week.   That kid’s been dead since last summer. I’ll never forget it, camp was cancelled and we all got sent home but my parents were already in Puerto Vallarta.  My folks don’t let me use the stove by myself, so I had to live on canned butterscotch pudding and pop-tarts for a week, and I still had some Ding-Dongs left over, so I ate those.  When my parents came back they’d brought another woman with them, their new friend Amy. Her lipstick was all smeared.  They didn’t expect me back for a couple more days I guess.  That was all a  year ago.

This year, things are going smoothly so far, but I’m a little worried because Angela and Mikey took off to the woods to go on a snipe hunt and they’ve been gone kind of a long time.  Like, a while.  They were holding hands, I wish they weren’t. Angela was supposed to be my girl.

Your Pal;

 Johnny

The Turn

Dear Johnny;

  That’s strange.  How many kids can be named Jason Vorhees in this town?  I didn’t think we had that many Dutch families. Snipe hunting!  I remember that.  Boys would invite girls to go snipe hunting, but it’s really just an excuse for them to get away from camp and into the dark to make out.  

Oh.  I’m sorry, Johnny.

 Anyway.  I don’t know what you mean about your birthday present, but perhaps if you’re good I will do some poses in my nightie.  Do you ever think about kissing girls?  How about women? Has Angela taught you anything about how a woman likes to be treated? Maybe you two can come over after camp and show me what you’ve taught each other.  I have some things to teach you both.

Regards, Kate

 Dear Kate;

OK, camp has gotten really weird.  Angela and Mike turned up dead.  Nobody knows what to do.  The counselors said it was an accident, but I saw the bodies in the nurse’s station! Both their heads were cut right off!  How can that be an accident?  There’s nothing in the first aid for decapitations. I guess you could stick popsicle sticks in their necks and pop the heads back and wrap the whole shit up in Ace bandage?  Jesus.  

Sorry, I’m really freaked out.  I want to call my parents to come get me, but they’re in Cabo.  Wish I knew the name of the resort.  I guess they go to Sandals a lot.  My mother says the mixed drinks are weak but my father says there’s no beating the price or the babes.

I’m scared. I’m hiding underneath my bunk.  It smells like spiderwebs and Ding Dongs.  I think I can smell piss.  I  think it’s mine.

Scared;  Johnny

Dear Johnny;

     Gosh, I’m sorry to hear about your friends!  I spent today at the lake, actually.   It was a beautiful day. I can really see why it’s called Crystal Lake.  On a day like today, you can see all the way to the bottom.

You know, Mrs. Vorhees is getting stranger and stranger.  She came to book club this week, but her dress was torn and she had mud in her hair and she hadn’t even read Joy Luck Club.  She ran out crying.

  So…do you ever wake up with an erection?

Regards, Kate

The End

Dear Kate;

Please send help.  I think you’re living in the past, I think.  Literally, like.  I think we’re at different times.  My time is pretty bad.  Please send the police to camp today, June 13th, 2014.  All the counselors are dead.  I think they’re dead.  We don’t have phone reception.  There’s no way to get help.  I saw a kid with an arrow through his eyeball.  His eyeball!   How is that even possible?  I don’t know what to do.  I’m hiding in a woodpile. I think I hear footsteps.  I’m sure he can hear my heartbeat.  It’s so loud.  I’m sure he can.  Do you understand how to send help?  Ask someone to come to camp in a year. Or you could come, bring guns and knives and kerosene, I don’t know.

Johnny.

Dear Johnny,

It sounds like you became quite the man at camp this year. If you want, I can come pick you up and you can come over and I’ll show you my bush.  It’s a rhododendron, like you suggested.

Thinking of you warmly,

Kate

Sorry About Your Dad, by Amy Miller

Reblog from sorryaboutyourdad.tumblr.com

Sorry About Your Dad Episode 8: Virginia Jones

“He went out just as he would have wanted. In the parking lot of a casual eatery.”

Comedian Virginia Jones and I have some things in common. We’ve both been found trying to elbow our respective ways to the top of the Portland comedy heap, and we both had largely adult-free childhoods. Yes, there WERE adults, somewhere. Just not at home. I thought I had known the extent of wild adolescent transgressions but then I talked to Virginia and who knew you could huff the freon in your air conditioner? I mean I guess you can huff a lot of things. My family is pretty chubby so maybe nobody was willing to give up that cool cool air during the summer. Just kidding, we never had air conditioning, you dummy!

“Raised” in Texas, she vows never to go back, while her dad stayed Texas loyal until his death last year.

In addition to her dad, we discuss how having good parents can ruin a person, why Russell Brand loves fat women but won’t date them, and what’s worse – a baby or AIDS?

And if you don’t make it to the end, just fast forward because HER LAUGH AT THE END! What a laugh! She’s the best.

Listen Here.

Subscribe in iTunes here.

Follow Virginia on Twitter @badiniadones and read her blog / see her live!

P.S. Amy changed up podcasts to “Who’s Your God?” because after recording her fifth podcast with another comic crying about their dead dad, she asked herself: What is this for?

Glendalia 3!

glendaliaep2 

We’re building a great show in Glendale, we had a great audience last month but only three comics in the lottery, so 66% of comics got stage time on a bill with Ian Karmel and Jackie Kashian!

10:30 on Tuesday, June 3 at Complex- 806 E Colorado, Glendale, CA.

This month we are excited to welcome:

Bryan Cook- Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction (Founder), Funny or Die (writer)

Susanna Lee- Last Comic Standing, SF Comedy Competition

Doug Mellard- Last Comic Standing, Moontower Festival

Jesse Case-  Parenthood, Just for Laughs Festival

Matt Kirshen – Craig Ferguson, Jimmy Fallon, LA Weekly’s Top Comics To Watch

Ali Wong – Tonight Show, @midnight, Inside Amy Schumer

 

Bridgetown Comedy Festival Gets Its Own Twitter Troll

The Bridgetown Comedy Festival, founded in 2008 by Andy Wood, Matt Braunger, and Kim Brady, just celebrated its 7th year of bringing the finest comedy in the world to Portland, Oregon. This year featured over 200 comics, including Emo Philips, Reggie Watts, W. Kamau Bell, Nathan Fielder, and Dan Harmon, who drunkenly announced the end of “Community” on the afterparty dance floor.

Bridgetown features great programming, outings to donut shops and 80’s arcades, but has never had competitions or awards, which can take a group of people having a good time and make them bitter competitors.  

However,  this year a twitter account called @bridgetownfest claimed differently.

Bridgetown has always used @bridgetown to tweet show updates, promotions, gossip and important festival announcements to its 6000 followers.  Six days ago, @bridgetownfest started talking up the same shows and comics, and immediately amassed 60K followers, which made their posts more prominent than the official twitter account.  For several days, it tweeted innocuous posts, many of them copies of actual @bridgetown information.  Comics started tweeting to both, unsure of which was the real account.  Some followers, aware of the duplicitous account, started engaging in the alternate reality with the account.  On Saturday of the festival, the account started asking for votes on such categories as Best Podcast, Best Open Mic Set, and Most Fun To Be Around.

  On Sunday night, @bridgetownfest started announcing  Best of The Fest comics, with awards and thanks going to Nathan Fielder and Emo Philips for their great work. Kanye had robbed Ian Karmel of his rightful place.    T-shirt prices were reduced from $20 to 6 a pop.  And then, the account said there was a big announcement coming.

Andy Wood Posted:

@bridgetownfest tearfully announced that this was the last Bridgetown festival, which came as a big surprise to founder and organizer Andy Wood.  The twitter account thanked its followers, volunteers, comics, and audience members.

The account is now suspended, its tweets hidden, and the cover image has been revised to be about a festival in Australia.

Postscript:  Anonymous sources confirm that the owner of the troll account was indeed Randy Liedtke, who was behind the Pace Picante conversation with Kyle Kinane last year.