Category: comedy

I am friends with some young adults who are constantly hounding me about what kind of tips I can offer for kissing girls.

In my generation, we learned about kissing on the streets, where we would spend hours furiously smooching a piece of tarmac until our mouths were rubbed raw and smeared with creosote.  These days, I guess we can learn how to kiss on the Internet.

Tip 1:  Always Something There To Remind Me

Make sure to cover the whole bottom half of the girl’s face with an even layer of your spit.  Imagine a dotted line from ear to ear, across her nose, then reaching down to her chin, and try to cover that whole area.  Hormones are tricky things, and you don’t want to walk away from this adventure without her being able to smell your lunch on her upper lip.  That’s a lovemaker’s calling card.
Tip 2: Don’t forget the tongue!

If you were to kiss a girl that you liked, like *really* liked, and you just thrust your tongue rhythmically down her throat, that would probably subliminally implant an idea about something else in her head…wouldn’t it?  Try to do it in time with the Bee Gee’s “Staying Alive,” just for fun.

Tip 3:  Research and Development

Nobody wants to think about the worst case scenario, but a real modern lothario is going to have to accept the possibility that some of his conquests may die.  How can you help?  Well, think of every kissing session as an opportunity to take in information.   If you’ve spent some time getting hot and heavy and you could not assist the police in making a detailed plaster cast of the inside of  “the victim’s” mouth, you’ve wasted everyone’s time.  Touch every tooth with your tongue.  Now, do it again.  Make notes.

If you find you have time on your hands without an actual kiss recipient, practice on your hand or on the crook of your elbow (The Frustrated School-Boy).  Melons are no good, they emit a telltale smell when they’ve been kissed for too long.

Tip 4: Using Your Hands

It’s well known that there’s nothing that makes a girl feel safer and more cared for than when someone, preferably James Franco, softly caresses her cheek, then gently cradles her face in his hands to kiss her.  Now, imagine how much better she’d feel if imaginary James Franco had his hands loosely but solidly around her throat!  That’s a move that really lets a girl know she “rates.”

Tip 5: Hickeys

Giving hickeys, the practice of making a suck mark on a girl with your mouth, has fallen out of fashion.  Hickeys serve a lot of purposes.  For one, they are marking your territory, like a dog pissing on a tree.  For second, if you are judicious about the size and location of your hickeys, they can protect your property because you’ve marked a pretty girl in a hideous manner.  Thirdly, it can be a good indicator to parents that it’s time to get this little trollop on a birth control method if they don’t want to raise a surprise grandchild!  Also, if you are dating a particularly simple girl, she may form the impression that you are a sexy vampire, a la “Edward.”  How exciting for everyone!

  I once saw a Dunkin’ Donuts employee in Plano, TX who was wearing a temporary turtleneck of hickeys, covering him from his jawline down into his uniform, and although it was nauseating, I thought, “Well, at least somebody loves him.”  It may have been a series of unfortunate birthmarks.  What am I, a scientist?