Category: comedy

Smutty Clown Comedy review- from qpdx.com

Need a good first date idea? This is not it. It’s more like the third date when you’re ready to see what your person is made of.

Smutty Clown Comedy at Saratoga Bar isn’t for the faint of heart, nor is it for the politically correct. Seriously. Do not bring that special someone who is canvassing for any sort of human rights. You will be dumped. Immediately.

But if you’re looking for a fun way to spend a Thursday night and you can handle straight cisgender guys yelling “you all are cunts” into the microphone, this may just be the place.

Billed as a monthly X-rated open mic, Smutty Clown is hosted by Sterling Clark and Whitney Streed. Clark is pretty much adorable – on this night she was wearing a floral dress and cardigan, hair in a head scarf with large glasses aka Sally Jessy Raphael. Streed was walking around in a suit, looking like she knew everyone in the place.

[Here are] “Some of the best comedians in town, saying some of the dirtiest things to you,” Streed said.

Virginia Jones, the funniest of the night, poked fun at her name – “It’s totally a black girl name, I get it. Virginia Jones either sings in a church or dies.” With hot pink dye streaking her dark hair and donning a suit with a tee-shirt, Jones, who is white, went on, “I don’t trust black Republicans for the same reason I don’t trust gay Republicans. Why would you want to be with a team that hates you?”

She described rockabilly guys “as gay as you can get while still being a straight dude,” and said her experience on OKCupid has led her to believe that most single men in Portland are bearded, bisexual, polyamorous and do graphic design – freelance.

“I would like to be the expert in c*ck-sucking at my house,” she told the audience on why she ultimately decided to not date bisexual guys.

After a swear-filled rant about handjobs in a Korean spa from a guy with neck tattoos who lived in Vegas, Richie Stratton came on stage to say, “That act was sadder than a Craigslist personal ad.”

In the world of open mics, you’re lucky to see one or two that really light up the stage – that exude confidence and understand how to engage an audience. Stratton is one of these people – “I tried to kill myself,” he said as part of his twisted bit. “I took a whole bottle of pills but they were multivitamin and I woke up fighting crime.”

He added later, “I don’t do cocaine. The last thing I need is to be confident and not shut up.”

Guess maybe you had to be there.

It’s easy to rant about shitty jokes or the people who can’t deliver them – but I will say this – it’s not easy getting up in front of a crowd and performing for a laugh. And though much of the humor at Smutty Clown is refreshingly perverse and dirty, it’s not clean in the sense of smart or conscious – for the most part. But that’s just the night I went – something tells me every month is different – even if the same comedians show up to play.

Go and judge for yourself. Just have thick skin and be ready to deal with long-haired hipsters double-fisting beers and clapping obnoxiously in the middle of jokes. Kudos to Streed and Clark for creating a space for this to exist – the wildly inappropriate humor strangely fits in this wildly inappropriate world.

CHAD: It Tastes Like Brains!

11/10/2011 — 8:00pm

CHAD Chats — Ideas That Smell Funny!

@ The Saratoga
6910 N Interstate Ave, Portland, OR

CHAD, the international foundation for the blowing of minds, is partnering with local author MYKLE HANSEN and comedy developer WHITNEY STREED to present a special evening of our popular CHAD Chats – satirical PowerPoint presentations by some of the finest minds in the fields of Humor, Science, Literature, Entertainment and Middle-Management.

  • Famous Author MYKLE HANSEN, author of The Cannibal’s Guide To Ethical Living, will share an exciting breakthrough in his ongoing efforts to eliminate world hunger through Facebook postings.
  • REUBEN NISENFELD, decorated Portland slam-poet and Field Researcher for the Dharma and Greg institute, will explain once and for all the difference between Nothing and Everything, with Q&A to follow.
  • Internationally recognized deceased astrophysicist CARL SAGAN will make a special announcement of an all-encompassing nature, accompanied by earthly spirit guide CHRISTIAN RICKETTS.
  • The elegant professional jokestress VIRGINIA JONES will speak on the subject of Abe Lincoln, pants, and why your cat is incapable of love.
  • And local humor wizard and spokesperson for the mute DAX JORDAN will discuss the finer nuances of Brain Chemistry.
  • Comedy developer WHITNEY STREED will felicitously facilitate and solicitously solicit the evening’s presentations.

At CHAD Chats enlightenment, endrinkenment and enlaughenment are scientifically assured! This special event is FREE to the drinking-age public, but space is limited. Presentations begin promptly at 8pm on Thursday November 10th at THE SARATOGA BAR, 6910 N. Interstate. Full bar and menu. Tables and chairs upon request. X-rated open-mic comedy to follow.

John Hodgman on Portland- from the Portland Monthly Blog, by me!

pdx-pocalypse

John Hodgman on Portland

The Daily Show’s “resident expert” shared his unique perspective on Portland at a Bagdad Theatre book signing.

by Virginia Jones

“The increasingly deranged…John Hodgman!” crowed musician John Roderick, making way for the author and humorist to take the stage carrying a ukulele in a case, and a tote bag of what turned out to be single-serving mayonnaise packets and 5 Hour Energy bottles.

He then sat down to remove his shoes and socks, remarking, “I am John Hodgman, and I am a deranged millionaire. I took my shoes off. That is all I am taking off. This is the one show in Portland that is not a burlesque show. I’m sorry for that.”

The nerdy sausage party that had amassed to see him read his new book That Is All nodded knowingly as he ran through his bio. “You may know me from the Daily Show, where I appear as the Resident Expert, or more likely you know me as the personal computer in a series of commercials for a computer company.” (The crowd cheered.)

“You’re the two people in Portland who own a television and are willing to admit it.” He went on to recount being picked up at the airport in a familiar-looking Subaru, and asking the driver if it was the “communal Subaru of Portland, like the communal white bicycles of Amsterdam, or the communal white tigers of Amsterdam. Feed them raw meat and leave them at any hashish house or murder hostel.”

When Hodgman got around to the book, an audience member claimed to have purchased it on Kindle. “You didn’t buy it on Kindle, sir,” he was quick to contradict, “and if you did, I’ll need to have a talk with you later…it is only available on paper, for two reasons: I wanted to make Portlanders clap—(applause) I want to please sanctimonious Luddites…and it is the only format that will survive Ragnarok.”
He explained how his last book of “all world knowledge” was in fact inspired by Portland, as his last tour guide had told him that one of the great things about Portland was its “extremely pure and secure source of Glacier water. She said, when the excrement comes down, this will be a very good place to live. And then we went downtown to Pioneer Square, and then I saw something I guess you see in Portland all the time: I saw a member of the Church of Satan buying flowers. It was Valentine’s day.” He name-checked Portland’s Rex Church.

“ I realized Portland was a special place: The end of the world and the Church of Satan, which is what makes the book such a great Christmas gift for children.” He asked us, “Please don’t applaud yourselves….I expect that in San Francisco.”

Hodgman continued his Portland-centric rant by reading a passage from his book, the Ragnarok calendar entry for October 18, 2012: “The well-built old buildings of a carefully preserved historic downtown withstand the MEGA-QUAKES, a public commitment to alternative energy (biofuel, solar, geothermal, cold fusion, powered by hemp, and humans pushing a giant wheel around) saves the city from the devastation of the OMEGA PULSE. The city’s spirit of cooperation, forged from a long history of mutual poverty and deadbeatism, inoculates the populace from panic and food riots. The Great Dike, built sustainably from recovered lumber in a modern updating of the Arts and Crafts style, keeps the city free from blood, and the well-made artisanal cocktails at the Heathman hotel dull the psychic trauma of a world gone mad, leaving PORTLAND, OREGON as the only functioning city in the United States after the BLOOD WAVE. Naturally, the Portlanders are extremely smug about it. Their paradise lasts seven weeks before they are all murdered by refugees from Seattle.”
And then he left, promising us all Segways that Dean Kamen had given him at the most recent TED conference. “And you’ve got a Segway, and you’ve got a Segway, and you’ve got a Segway!…” Like most of Hodgman’s declarations, the promise proved to be good-natured hogwash.

Postscript: And also, here is a picture of John Hodgman making good on his promise to give two gold coins to any fan of The Best Show on WFMU who provided the appropriate documentation and recited the secret message, “I’d like a discount.”

6th Annual Pacific Northwest Women’s Comedy Festival, Saturday, Nov 12!

Come on down to the Wildish Center in Springfield this Saturday for an evening with Oregon and Seattle’s funniest ladies!  This is my fourth year performing in this show, and it’s always a fantastic time- my hilarious friends Barbara Holm, Marcia Belsky, Jessie McCoy, Jen Seaman, and our fearless leader, Leigh Anne Jasheway, will be killing it all night long!  Make a move- this show *will* sell out!

Vegetarian Graffiti

I don’t know why the Oregon Beef Council would decide that Belmont, the epicenter of Southeast Portland specialness, was the perfect place to erect a billboard 10 feet off the ground reading “We love vegetarians. More meat for us!”, but it’s been tagged twice in a week, the second time with “meat is MURDER”. Everything about this, from the Smiths quote to the fury of the two remaining conservatives in the area, is hilarious. Listen, if you wanna eat your meat and drive a ridiculous tank, and you can live ANYWHERE in Oregon, why would you choose Boho Belmont or Hippie Hawthorne? It just seems self-defeating.


Postscript:  Four years later, another hilarious graffiti from Hippie Hawthorne!

Shine A Light! Friday, Oct 14th at Portland Art Museum!

Once a year, the Portland Art Museum hosts Shine A Light, where peformance artists offer new ways of interacting with art.   This year, they are adding comedians, including Danny Felts, Whitney Streed, Jen Allen, Jimmy Newstetter, and myself, Virginia Jones.  It costs the regular $15 admission, or it’s free for members (only fifty bucks a year to join!).

There will be haircuts offered, dances performed, and beers brewed inspired by works from the collection.

  I will be leading a fictional art tour on the third floor of the Jubitz center. Focus will be on the post-1960 modern art collection.

Postscript: I had a really wonderful time telling art jokes.  I am considering recording my jokes for a podcast that can be downloaded and used in a walk-through tour. 

My friend CJ fell in love there, and got married and then divorced. I talked with a reporter who told me she would have loved to have quoted me more, but most of my jokes had the f-bomb in them.  They totally do!