Who doesn’t like a green screen, a free afternoon, and the Cure? Nathan Brannon stars as the ghost, filming and song by Tim Kohl. I did everything else, and I mean EVERYTHING. Well, I sang and lip-synched badly, and I made the ghost costume.
Postscript: At Helium last weekend, someone walking by yelled, “I Like the Ghost song!” This is one of many things I love about Portland, and about the internet.
I’m writing this essay on my fifth anniversary as a stand-up performer. Apart from the respect of my peers, and the literally dozens of dollars I have made while performing my craft, I think the best part of being a comedian is the fame.
Oh, reader- I can feel your slight reticence to accept my famousness- but let me assure you, it’s very real.
I started doing stand-up for the same reason most people do, which was to make British performer Eddie Izzard pay attention to me.
While this has not happened yet, it may one day happen. It’s certainly more likely to happen if I do stand-up than if I work in a warehouse or genetically modified poultry farm.
He’s already paid a small amount of attention to my friend Dax, which was he said he was too tired to do an interview after two hours onstage in Vegas. I often repeat Eddie’s advice to newcomers who want to know how to get good onstage, which is simple: get up and do comedy a thousand times. By the thousandth time, you should be pretty good! If you’re not good by then, you should definitely quit.
For the last few years, my fame level has been very dependent on whether or not I am in a vegan restaurant or a gay bar in Portland, or both (and why aren’t there more of those?), but recently, I have found that I am famous in more places than ever. Admittedly, sometimes I am confused with the adorable Kristen Schaal of Flight of The Conchords, which is fake fame. This is still OK with me. I discussed it with her, and she said that while she doesn’t see the resemblance, it does not bother her that people think I’m her.
Last Summer I was at a rock show with my friend Pete, and Pete and I were having an impromptu dance contest, the gist of which was “Who can do the most embarrassing pop-and-lock?” when someone tapped me on the shoulder and asked if I was Virginia Jones. I admitted I was, and she said, “I’m a fan of yours.” Just to be certain, I asked “a fan…of my dancing? And she paused for minute and said, “no.” Nightclub: FAMOUS.
I appear briefly in the comedy documentary “I AM COMIC”, and every time it runs on Showtime people ask if that was me, and that makes me feel famous.
There is a privately owned movie theatre in Portland where not ONLY do I not pay to see films, I am allowed to take my small dog to films, because I’m so famous. I usually don’t, because when we went to see Grizzly Man, he growled at the bears onscreen (Genus CANIS, just like he is). But still and all- he’s allowed to go.
A creepy-famous story happened when I was at an after-party for Bumbershoot performers last September. A young man approached me and said he’d seen me perform at the Club Deluxe show in San Francisco, and he had seen me perform in Seattle that day. I said, “Oh, that’s really cool!” Then, he showed me in his notebook where he had written down that he had seen me both places, and I said, “OK!”
The gem in my crown of famousness probably happened last month, when I was recognized at Costco. The woman manning the checkout line told me, “I thought it was you, and then when you got close, I knew it was you!” And then she called her husband immediately to tell him that comedians buy bulk trail mix, just like regular people. And yes. We do. We like the kind with pineapple in it.
Onward and upward! This month I have done shows in Coos Bay, OR, Winnemucca, NV, and was the only straight person performing at the Pride festival in Portland, (where I was so famous I was offered FREE water and Red Bull) so I really can’t help but become still more famous. Look for me in the funny pages! Reading this is like talking to me, which makes you slightly famous. Believe me, there’s enough of this to go around!
This amazing photograph is by the amazing Roger at Circle23 Photography. (Please note: big chunks of his website are NSFW.)
“Dammit, Virginia” said Virginia, “How many times do I have to tell you to keep your dirty whore shoes off the coffee table? I work hard to keep this place nice, and I could use a little help”
“Well, Virginia”, said Virginia smugly, “It’s my table. I paid for it, and I guess I’ll ruin it if I want to.”
Virginia, meanwhile, sat whimpering in the corner, rocking back and forth and crying to herself. “You guys!” she screamed. “WHAT ABOUT VIRGINIA?”
All eyes turned to the coffee table. There, six inches from Virginia’s foot, Virginia’s body sprawled across the table, one hand clutching a shot glass. Her breath had been clouding the glass surface for the last few minutes, but the shapes of her condensed breath had been shrinking and slivering away until now, when no breath appeared. Her lips slowly began to turn blue.
“Wait- wasn’t Virginia supposed to be watching her?” asked Virginia. “Where is she, anyway?”
Virginia, her finger shaking, pointed through the window, out to the sunny balcony, where Virginia was finishing a glass of Champagne, oblivious to the state of her charge.
“Well,” said Virginia, closing her magazine, “Can I have her bedroom?”
I have been spending an educational and largely fun ten days in Colombo, Sri Lanka. Part of the job involves going out and getting drunk at night, which is very helpful for addressing the international traveller’s twin ailments of loneliness and jet lag-induced insomnia.
Last night, an expat Englishman pointed out to me that the name of this website, Badinia, means “I Want You”, in a very decidedly sexual way, in Singhalese. This was very helpful, because it explained why everyone I had given my business card to had laughed delightedly. Incidentally, that means my email address is I want you at I want you dot com. It’s things like this that keep my mother up at night.
I got to sit in on a round of questions from the ShanRock brand of trivia, the finest trivia in the land, and make jokes about it. Here are some of the things I said. They’re not good for anything, so I’m just gonna tell ‘em to you.
What turns a Mogwai into a Gremlin? A: That’s stupid. You can’t turn a band into a car!
Moby Dick has one of the most iconic opening lines in Western Literature. Fill in the missing word: “Call me ______” A: Call me crazy- Is that the biggest white whale you’ve ever seen?
What exact bird do you find on the back of a Canadian $1 coin? A: That’s the Queen, and it’s very disrespectful to call her a “bird.”
And Dax Jordan’s favorite: Q: Virginia, did you ever drink Absinthe? A: Yeth, and I haven’t been the thame thince!
Dear Comedy Fans;
The website for the Bridgetown Comedy Festival is roaring back to life, and some very exciting acts have been posted! When all is said and done, 175 comics will be participating in total!
Some of my favorites:
The amazing Margaret Cho, who is still trying to get a green light for her sitcom, “Cho ‘Nuff.”
Kristen Schaal from The Daily Show and Flight of the Conchords, who is incredibly funny and weird- she’s voicing a character on Bob’s Burgers, and I got to see some of the sketch that she does with Kurt Braunohler at the Women In Comedy Festival in Boston and found it to be uniquely voiced and wonderful!
Trevor Moore and the rest of Whitest Kids U’Know will be joining new Portland resident Timmy Williams to perform at the Festival!
Portland favorite Doug Benson will be there, bringing his favorite hoody and his best friend/bodyguard/karate expert Graham Elwood!
Sean Cullen, the amazing Canadian song stylist and comedy talent, will bring his beautiful man-voice and smart absurdism.
Kyle Kinane returns to build the legend! If you have not heard his record, Death of the Party, it is fricking amazing. His comedy has changed mine. Screw accessibility!
Hannibal Buress is back, he’s been doing some cameos on 30 Rock (a show he writes on, no big deal) that have comedy nerds shivering with joy, like puppies with distemper. He’s the most deadpan human alive.
Pete Holmes is a Bridgetown premiere, hot off a Conan appearance, voicing a baby who sells stocks on the internet, and two appearances on John Oliver’s stand-up show!
The inimitable Moshe Kasher is hanging and will be intimidating me all the time.
W. Kamau Bell returns to a city he thinks doesn’t like him, and will be doing a special show with Comedy Against The Machine, including the amazing Hari Kondabolu and my adorable friend Janine Brito!
(Did you know I met Janine in Hong Kong? It’s true. That’s where we met.)
Last Comic Standing import Matt Kirshen is coming all the way from the yew kayy to crack wise!
Former SNL writer and Onion contributor Mike Drucker will be here, he’s amazingly funny and cerebral- he has worked with Brian Posehn and Patton Oswalt this year, and has also hung out with my dogs!
The incredibly talented Jesse Case is returning to eat veggie dogs and crack jokes!
So clear your calendars from April 21st to the 24th, buy tickets and find a place to sleep! It’s comin’! Follow @bridgetown on Twitter and like them on Facebook and do all that crap! BECAUSE IT’S HOW TO HAVE FUN!
Advance tickets for the ENTIRE FESTIVAL, including unlimited shows for four days, are available for $60 on a discount advance purchase, and also the coveted Golden Ticket, which gets you front-of-line privileges at any show.
Regards, Virginia
Dear Portland;
Sometimes, dreams come true. I’m here to prove it. I’ve been Seizing The Moment and Living My Best Life Ever and doing everything Oprah says, and finally something that has been on my Vision Board is coming to pass: Emo Philips is coming to do a show in Portland, at the Helium comedy club, March 24-26.
He has not performed here since 1986. He did a show in 2007 that I drove to Bend, OR to see, along with patriot Danny Norton, and you can read all about it here. I feel strongly that Portland has been quietly sitting in folding chairs, hands gently waiting for his return so that we can crown him as our weirdo king.
If you liked his records in the eighties, please know that his joke writing has continued to refine and develop, and he is now known as one of the finest joke writers in the world. He is a truly cerebral deeply funny act for the enjoyment of comics, comedy fans, weirdos, and Emo-philiacs- please join me for a great set of shows!