Category: comedy

Suicidal Tendency: Duck, Duck, Annihilation


Well, it’s not the first time a suicidal duck has made its way around the internet.

Well, maybe it is. It does remind me of one of my friend John Freeman’s dozens of bands, Duck, Duck, Annihilation.

As to complaints that the duck is too well-built to actually electrocute, (this is one product that never considered hiring a customer service staff) please consider either of the two easy backup options, given that you could hang yourself with the cord OR in dire straits, eat the duck, which if you are any kind of celebrity or known entity will result in a six month period where the phrase ‘eat a duck’ will be hipster shorthand for any suicide, which will confuse the heck out of people in food sales.

Eventually, it will end up in Cockney rhyming slang as a euphemism for sexual intercourse, which everything is.

My Favorite Things To Do On The Internet


Peroxide Mocha ponder the fragility of our existence.

1. Flickr-snooping: I like to look at picture sets of friend’s parties that I was not invited to. Alternate Name:*Snort* THAT hors d’oeuvre does not look very delicious.
2. Ex-Boyfriend-Googling: A classic, although I was sad to find that an ex had killed himself. Breaking up *is* hard to do.
3. Find My Own Death Announcements: When your name is Virginia Jones, you die several times a month. My family’s OK.
4. Myspace Hatin’: Not possible on Facebook, which is why it is still inferior in my eyes. I don’t want to be your friend, I just want to look at you and feel better that you don’t want to talk to me ever again!
5. Taking mental illness quizzes: I know for certain that I do not have a shopping compulsion. Everything else depends on the day.
6. OTHER STALKING VARIATIONS: Now, we all stalk enemies and exes, because it’s fun. But have you considered checking your own Youtube clip, obsessively, to see if people are watching/commenting on it? How about commenting on someone else’s clip that you like, and then checking back to see if other people think you comment on something you thought was funny was ALSO funny? How about writing a review of a product or service and checking on that, say, a hundred times? Just doing the cyber version of riding your bike past its house, all day- “Do other people love Kindle as much as I do? Do they like my parody song, Kindle in the Wind?”
It’s a big Internet! Get creative! What else can we do with free time, a negative attitude, and a 3G connection?

Auggie Roast Post-Mortem

Super-Christ Auggie-Star

A lot of people have been asking how the Auggie Smith roast went down. Here are the highlights as remembered by me:

Troy Thirdgill in a beautiful daishiki as Reverend Jeremiah Wright, whom I’ll bet you didn’t even KNOW was a friend of Aug’s. Amazing.

Dax Jordan on Lonnie Bruhn: If you took away the palsy, he’d just be cerebral.

Andy Andrist on Dax: What’s in his neck, it looks like… an elbow?

Me on Ron Osbourne: Doesn’t he look handsome? This is the first time I’ve seen him in pants that didn’t zip into shorts.

Aug on Holli: Holli Pappan, she’s the second-hottest comic in Portland, behind Andy Wood.

Me on Aug: He talks about having kids, but he doesn’t understand that you have to sleep with the same woman…for nine months…in a ROW.

Andy Wood on Mustard Man: Musty couldn’t be here, but he’s missed because…

Aug: You’re gonna do the Musty jokes?

Andy: I wrote ’em! I’m gonna do ’em!

Andy Wood on Richard Bain: Did you hear that Richard Simmons is going on the Richard Bain diet? He eats shit, but only when it matters!

Art on Richard: What’s it like when Richard tries to dress up for an event- AWK-WARD!

Dax on Virginia: She’s a vegan, she rides a bike to work, and she’s still fat!

Me: I’m gonna kill you.

Dax brought some show-and-tell, in the form of a forgotten storage trunk full of Auggie’s possessions, including a photo of himself on the toilet, and a Christmas Looney Toones tie, from the dark days when he was first learning to dress himself.

At the end of the night, as we stood around finishing our drinks and laughing at the pain we were going to bring to people who called us fat, we heard a majestic KA-WHUMP and turned towards the sound, many of us crying “Shit, Lonnie!”

But it was a tiny lady’s boots sticking in the air, and the semi-sober but very embarrassed Edie Van Ness was fished out from where she had fallen. Once it was clear that she was not hurt, we went back to laughing. She is in the center of this photo, which was taken pre-fall.

Front: Andy Andrist

Behind Andy: Richard Bain and Ron Osbourne

Keith Wallan, Arlo Stone, Edie Van Ness, Auggie Smith, Troy Thirdgill, Holli Pappan, Susan Rice, The Top of Andy Wood’s head, Me Looking Like an Ass, Dax Jordan, Art Krug. I am not speaking to fully a quarter of these people now! life is fun.

The Famous Mysterious Actor at Halloween

Holli Pappan made me cry, then laugh, and then cry, at the perfectly miniature Famous Mysterious Actor costume she put together for Halloween. My dreams have died, but my soul sings free.

Something Famous this way Comes!

I can smell it coming in the air tonight,
And I’ve been waiting for this pixy for all my life, oh Lord
Can you hear it scream and and throw candy tonight, oh Lord, oh Lord
Well, if you told me you were Cutter, I would not lend a hand
I’ve seen your face before my friend, but I don’t know if you know who I am
Well I was there and I saw the whole show, I saw it with my own two eyes
So you can wipe off that grin, I know where you’ve been
It’s all been a stack of pies!

The Famous Mysterious Actor is throwing a Halloween Party at Berbati’s Pan! Come out and wear a costume!

Catching up with the Jones!

Up and Coming: Halloween! I love Halloween. It’s like Christmas to me. Our costumes are ready. We are Lene Lovich and Nina Hagen!)


Eugene! I am excited about the all-girl laugh-fest coming up, and looking forward to meeting more funny ladies!

Chariots of Rubber! I have recently been cast in Jeffrey Wonderful’s musical about Demolition Derby, love, and Cindy, the Erotic Pleaser as a Backup Dancer, so I can add that distinction to my resume! I have NO idea when or where it will premiere, but it is going to be FANTASTIC. They told me I could tap dance in it. Equal parts Hedwig, Rocky Horror, Grease, and giant, talking nipples.

I leave you with a Fact-of-The Day quote from John Hodgman’s very funny new book, More Information Than You Require:


HALLOWE’EN: Originally called Samhain, this is the traditional Pagan-American holiday when we ask our children to consider the fragility of life by dressing them in darkly colored costumes and vision-impairing masks and encouraging them to walk around in the road.

My Motto, Courtesy of Ron Bennington from the Ron and Fez Show

I think a person needs a motto, words to live by, a phrase with which to mold and shape one’s life and mine is: “Fuck it! It’s a magic phrase. As Stephen Baldwin says in Usual Suspects:”Bad day. Fuck it.” And then he shrugs off three murders like a dirty coat. It just makes me feel better to say it, at any time, day or night. I don’t mean to sound negative- To say “fuck it” is an affirmation, to say- this is not going to get me down. You know what? Everyone doesn’t like me, and worse, sometimes people who don’t like me have good things happen to them. I like someone, they don’t like me back? Fuck it! I have lost my keys, patience, or mind- Fuck it! If I failed, I must fail harder. There is no shame in failing, there is only shame in not trying. As the rainy season starts in Portland, long grey periods punctuated with moments of dark, I want to bring my favorite phrase to the forefront of the collective unconscious: Fuck it!