Category: los angeles

Crystal Lakehouse

What if the lady from the Lakehouse was corresponding with a kid from Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th?  This is a Camp Kittenpants exercise written by myself and @ahm76

The Beginning

Dear Mrs. Forster;

I just got to camp and found your letter in my mailbox!  Thank you!  I hope your lawn does OK for two weeks without me, ha ha.  Listen,  I don’t know if that rhododendron bush is gonna make it.   I cut it back and tried to save it but it was really crispy.  Man, It’s good to be back at camp.  I can’t believe it was only last year that the one weird kid drowned.  It feels like forever ago.

  Anyway, I’m super excited.  I got here early ‘cos I wanted to be able to pick my bunk and make my lanyard before all my friends got here, Steve and Dennis and Todd and Mikey.  I’m hoping Angela will be here soon too.   I’m a lot bigger this year and I hope Angela will be too.   The good kind of big.  Like, tits. I have a six pack of ding dongs my mom gave me to share with my friends!  Camp Crystal Lake forever!

  Best wishes,

  Johnny R.

Dear Johnny;

I’m so shocked to hear that the camp has had two drownings in two years!  I’m sure you heard- last week, a child named Jason Vorhees drowned and his mother has been beside herself.  She lives on my street.  She was inconsolable and had to be sedated, she showed up at the police station screaming.  I feel for her.  He was her only child, it’s the worst thing that could happen.  She used to work at the camp, too, I don’t know what she’ll do now.

I am happy to finally get to know you better. You’ve been cutting my lawn for a year, and I’ve always wanted to invite you over for some lemonade and private chat. You’re very mature for 15. Very mature. I’m sure Angela will find that you’re big enough.

 P.S. Rhododendron bush?  I’ve been thinking of putting one in, actually.  You’re a clever young man.

 And I think we’re good enough friends now that you don’t have to call me Mrs. Forster anymore.  Call me Kate.

Regards, Kate

Dear Mrs. Kate;

   I’m 16 now, and I’ve been your lawn boy for two years. Remember? You gave me a portrait of yourself in a sequined nightie for my birthday. I don’t know what’s happening exactly with your letter, but the drowning wasn’t last week.   That kid’s been dead since last summer. I’ll never forget it, camp was cancelled and we all got sent home but my parents were already in Puerto Vallarta.  My folks don’t let me use the stove by myself, so I had to live on canned butterscotch pudding and pop-tarts for a week, and I still had some Ding-Dongs left over, so I ate those.  When my parents came back they’d brought another woman with them, their new friend Amy. Her lipstick was all smeared.  They didn’t expect me back for a couple more days I guess.  That was all a  year ago.

This year, things are going smoothly so far, but I’m a little worried because Angela and Mikey took off to the woods to go on a snipe hunt and they’ve been gone kind of a long time.  Like, a while.  They were holding hands, I wish they weren’t. Angela was supposed to be my girl.

Your Pal;

 Johnny

The Turn

Dear Johnny;

  That’s strange.  How many kids can be named Jason Vorhees in this town?  I didn’t think we had that many Dutch families. Snipe hunting!  I remember that.  Boys would invite girls to go snipe hunting, but it’s really just an excuse for them to get away from camp and into the dark to make out.  

Oh.  I’m sorry, Johnny.

 Anyway.  I don’t know what you mean about your birthday present, but perhaps if you’re good I will do some poses in my nightie.  Do you ever think about kissing girls?  How about women? Has Angela taught you anything about how a woman likes to be treated? Maybe you two can come over after camp and show me what you’ve taught each other.  I have some things to teach you both.

Regards, Kate

 Dear Kate;

OK, camp has gotten really weird.  Angela and Mike turned up dead.  Nobody knows what to do.  The counselors said it was an accident, but I saw the bodies in the nurse’s station! Both their heads were cut right off!  How can that be an accident?  There’s nothing in the first aid for decapitations. I guess you could stick popsicle sticks in their necks and pop the heads back and wrap the whole shit up in Ace bandage?  Jesus.  

Sorry, I’m really freaked out.  I want to call my parents to come get me, but they’re in Cabo.  Wish I knew the name of the resort.  I guess they go to Sandals a lot.  My mother says the mixed drinks are weak but my father says there’s no beating the price or the babes.

I’m scared. I’m hiding underneath my bunk.  It smells like spiderwebs and Ding Dongs.  I think I can smell piss.  I  think it’s mine.

Scared;  Johnny

Dear Johnny;

     Gosh, I’m sorry to hear about your friends!  I spent today at the lake, actually.   It was a beautiful day. I can really see why it’s called Crystal Lake.  On a day like today, you can see all the way to the bottom.

You know, Mrs. Vorhees is getting stranger and stranger.  She came to book club this week, but her dress was torn and she had mud in her hair and she hadn’t even read Joy Luck Club.  She ran out crying.

  So…do you ever wake up with an erection?

Regards, Kate

The End

Dear Kate;

Please send help.  I think you’re living in the past, I think.  Literally, like.  I think we’re at different times.  My time is pretty bad.  Please send the police to camp today, June 13th, 2014.  All the counselors are dead.  I think they’re dead.  We don’t have phone reception.  There’s no way to get help.  I saw a kid with an arrow through his eyeball.  His eyeball!   How is that even possible?  I don’t know what to do.  I’m hiding in a woodpile. I think I hear footsteps.  I’m sure he can hear my heartbeat.  It’s so loud.  I’m sure he can.  Do you understand how to send help?  Ask someone to come to camp in a year. Or you could come, bring guns and knives and kerosene, I don’t know.

Johnny.

Dear Johnny,

It sounds like you became quite the man at camp this year. If you want, I can come pick you up and you can come over and I’ll show you my bush.  It’s a rhododendron, like you suggested.

Thinking of you warmly,

Kate

Sorry About Your Dad, by Amy Miller

Reblog from sorryaboutyourdad.tumblr.com

Sorry About Your Dad Episode 8: Virginia Jones

“He went out just as he would have wanted. In the parking lot of a casual eatery.”

Comedian Virginia Jones and I have some things in common. We’ve both been found trying to elbow our respective ways to the top of the Portland comedy heap, and we both had largely adult-free childhoods. Yes, there WERE adults, somewhere. Just not at home. I thought I had known the extent of wild adolescent transgressions but then I talked to Virginia and who knew you could huff the freon in your air conditioner? I mean I guess you can huff a lot of things. My family is pretty chubby so maybe nobody was willing to give up that cool cool air during the summer. Just kidding, we never had air conditioning, you dummy!

“Raised” in Texas, she vows never to go back, while her dad stayed Texas loyal until his death last year.

In addition to her dad, we discuss how having good parents can ruin a person, why Russell Brand loves fat women but won’t date them, and what’s worse – a baby or AIDS?

And if you don’t make it to the end, just fast forward because HER LAUGH AT THE END! What a laugh! She’s the best.

Listen Here.

Subscribe in iTunes here.

Follow Virginia on Twitter @badiniadones and read her blog / see her live!

P.S. Amy changed up podcasts to “Who’s Your God?” because after recording her fifth podcast with another comic crying about their dead dad, she asked herself: What is this for?

Lady 2 Lady!

My episode of Lady 2 Lady is up for your enjoyment, with lovely hostesses Brandie Posey, Barbara Gray and Tess Barker.

We answer the tough questions about cats v. dogs and people who believe that a thin layer of tissue is of any help on a public toilet.  It was an honor to be on Lady to Lady and also on Maximum Fun.org, with such amazing talents as John Hodgman and the ever talented Dave Hill.

Welcome to GLENDALIA!

glendalia2

Photo Credit: Jonathan Saunders of I Like To Tell Stories

I’m excited to announce that one of my oldest Portland comedy pals, Dax Jordan, and I are bringing a new comedy night to the LA area!  It’s at the super cool Complex at 806 Colorado in Glendale.  We’ll be hosting our amazingly hilarious friends and offering 2 lottery spots for attending comics!  COMPLEX features a full bar and ample seating and  lots of fun for EVERYONE.

First Show’s Roster: Ron Funches (Kroll Show, Conan, Undateable)

Auggie Smith (Living Legend, won SF and Seattle comps the same year)

Robert Buscemi (just a real ray of sunshine and a real pretty peacock)

Heather Thomson (Class, Sass, and Ass)

Booking requests go to Glendaliabooking@gmail.com!

No Gracias, Madre- my review from Yelp.com

  I have always loved Gracias Madre SF and was looking forward to checking out the new Melrose location.   Every time I’d been to San Francisco, I’d made it a point to visit Gracias Madre, even though it was always a wait and jam-packed with happy customers.  I had been talking our local outpost up to local and far-flung vegans.  It was a bit of a wait, as usual, but our spicy Purista tequila drinks and cauliflower and cashew cream were fantastic.

When I got my entree, however, I bit down hard on a tooth-sized shard of glass that had been inside.   I felt that unpleasant nausea and tasted blood as I scraped my tongue.  We called the waitress over and she apologized and told the kitchen.  The manager came over and apologized again.  I graciously accepted the apologies.

I was offered a comp dessert, but I found that my appetite was reduced after the glass chewing.  The last thing I needed to deal with was glass-filled Mexican wedding cookies.  I was pleased to see that the tab was reduced to just drinks and one entree and we sent our card to pay.  An apologetic waitress came back over and said she’d gotten it wrong, she was only supposed to take off the entree that had the glass in it, and brought us a new tab.
Look, I’m not complaining that I got a large, sharp shard glass in my food, which ruined my dinner and evening.  I know that this stuff can happen, and in their defense, glass is totally vegan.  I’m just surprised that the comp was only for the food that had glass in it.
I hate to review a vegan restaurant like this, but I really feel that this was handled poorly.
See the receipt with the code for foreign object discount, which for some reason made me laugh.  In short, gracias but no gracias, man.

My receipt, showing the discount for a foreign object in my food. Yum!

Ladies of Comedy!

I’m so excited to be on this show in a vintage store in Burbank with some AMAZING women, including Laura Kightlinger, Beth Stelling, Emily Heller, April Richardson, and the lovely and talented Brandie Posey!

POSTSCRIPT: This wound up being one of the most memorable shows I have ever done in Los Angeles. For one, each performer was offered a free dress from Pinup Girl’s amazing private label brands of beautifully fitted vintage-inspired pieces.

Secondly, amazing actor James Urbaniak was there with this then-girlfriend, the artist Sara Pocock, and they thought I was pretty funny.

Thirdly, we had a small earthquake during the show, and I thought, “Hey, I might die in the same room as James Urbaniak.

So, You Think You Can Dance Downtown?

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I’m a big fan of the show So You Think You Can Dance.   I felt lucky to attend some shows last season, and when I got an email for two shows this week, I jumped on it.  I was wary when I saw that the address was for the Orpheum and not the CBS lot, but when I got there it was clear that it was: Auditions.  I didn’t want to go to fucking auditions.  

In recent seasons, I haven’t even watched auditions.  One in twenty people will be good, one in forty will be amazing, one in ten will be completely delusional.   It’s the reality TV shock-jock portion, where people fall and cry and lie and the desperation seeps through and they edit to support the judge’s decisions.  However, I had already parked downtown all day for six dollars, so I stayed.

 It was kind of cool to be in the Orpheum and to see the familiar carpeting and to see a pile of dance bags and the warm up room.  We were seated and introduced to the newest judge, Christina Applegate, who has been a dancer her whole life and who crossed the stage in gold heels so high she needed a handler to come down the steps to the judge’s dais.

  Nigel Lythgoe went through a list of don’ts for the dancers.  He listed out things the judges were tired of seeing.

1. Don’t extend an arm and reach out pleadingly to the judges, wild-eyed.

2. Don’t jeté , tumble, then leap into the air to jeté again.  OVER IT.

3. Don’t look at the floor. (This is also a good tip for comedy!)

4.   Don’t wink.

5. Don’t put your finger on your mouth.

6. Don’t blow a kiss.

7. Don’t lip-sync.

8. Don’t hold your leg up.  This is So You Think You Can Dance, not Do You Think You Can Hold Your Leg Up For An Assload Of Time.

I stayed for the day and saw all 114 dancers although it felt like a billion.  I now have my own list.   It’s kind of inside baseball, but what in life isn’t?

List of Most Of The Dancer Types from So You Think You Can Dance Auditions:

1. Mama’s pretty pretty princess, the best ballerina in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas.  This represents 20% of the attendees.  Wearing a sports bra and leggings.   Has long, pretty girl hair.  She will do one million pirouettes and lift her leg up by her head and will get yelled at because all the other pretty princesses have done the same thing.

2. Mama’s pretty pretty princess got a mohawk and earrings and is all edgy and shit.  She will do a ton of pirouettes and lift her leg up in the air.

3.  Mama’s pretty pretty princess (male).  Appears to have a sixteen-pack of abs.  I don’t even know if this possible.

4.  Breakdancer type one:  Learned on the streets.  Looks to have been homeless as recently as this morning.  Amazing dancer.   Doesn’t appear to hear or understand instructions but can pop and lock like a sonofabitch.

5. Breakdancer type two: Learned at boarding school.  May dress like Parappa the Rapper.  May have a rat-tail.  (Rat tail odds doubled if Asian)

6. Ballroom dancers who have spray-tanned their legs to match their shoes, which is awesome.

7. Girl with a big bottom and men’s shoes?  Lindy hopper.

8. Tap dancers, who never get through even though some of them are awesome.  The sound and size of this show are never great for tap.

9. Hot-Ass Male Russian Ballroom Dancer.  (Thank god.)  (Please take your shirt off.)

10. Asian Twerk Twink.  Wears harem pants.

11. Midwestern Sincere Contemporary Dancer (male)- Wears what looks like pajamas and his one black Lucky Spinning Sock, which is black.  He’s the best modern dancer in Pig’s Snout, Arkansas, but he’s not as good as Contemporary Eric.   Why not wear a light colored sock?  You look like a rube, Trent!

12. Elderly street dancer- He’s here to do all of Michael Jackson’s moves!  You can see him tomorrow in front of the Hollywood Boulevard wax museum.

13.  The Only Gay In The Village: A chubby small-town club dancer with a lotta heart and board shorts and a couple of awesome moves.  He is trying not to lip-sync.  My god, he tries.  But that’s not a reasonable ask for a gay club dancer.  He would have to put duct tape over his mouth, or put a Lucky Spinning Sock in it.

Good luck to these and all the dancers that auditioned, I look forward in seeing you on the show in a paint-covered t-shirt or a Victorian zombie outfit!