love and dating Archives ⋆ Page 4 of 6 ⋆ Virginia Jones

My Last Alcoholic

I don’t like to say that my family is all alcoholics, but we have pretty strong numbers. My grandfather was dead at 45, his liver rotted through, leaving behind a small family and a whole town of party buddies who thought he was really great. It’s an established fact that alcoholism runs through families. It doesn’t necessarily breed other alcoholics, but it breeds codependents and nurturers and excuse makers and people who seek out alcoholics as partners.

I’m not an alcoholic, and my sister isn’t, but we find ‘em and we date ‘em. It’s what we’re good at. She is of the opinion that there’s no man in the world who’s not an alcoholic, because she hadn’t met one yet.

I can tell when someone is an alcoholic or an addict without ever seeing them use. It is my superpower, because if you are an alcoholic or addict active in your addiction,

I will find you attractive. I will feel that magical flutter in my chest that only happens in the movies and which I now associate with fear.

Alcoholics will tell you the same stories over and over, and they forget the things you tell them, because they weren’t listening. They tell you things when they’re drunk and they don’t remember when they’re sober. This is your problem.

Alcoholics may brush with greatness, but sometimes they don’t seem to have achieved very much. Maybe they were nearly in a big band, or they used to be in one, or made some great art when they were younger, but now they’re 40 and call themselves a photographer but the last time they took a picture was last year sometime, or they just keep losing job after job because everyone else is a JERK.

Alcoholics don’t prioritize sex. Personally, I love sex, and if I love you, I really want to have sex with you, lots of it. Alcoholics might have sex with you if they are able to after the bar closes and if there’s no booze in the house. And that’s abnormal. Science tells us that healthy men will prioritize sex over food, over sleep, over personal safety- but not over addiction.

Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because nothing is ever their fault. If you hang around long enough, everything will become your fault.

6. Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because they are so charming and wonderful, and when they are nice to you, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, and it covers you in warmth and light, and when it turns off it feels like the planet Hoth. Alcoholics are two different people. You think that once they stop drinking, the bad selfish lying part will go away and the sweet smart creative will stay behind and love you, but the fact is that the second thing is a fiction that allows the first thing to survive. The mean drunk is who they really are.

My last alcoholic was a super smart very handsome photographer that had been a TA for twenty years and wasn’t sure what had happened. He came to visit me from San Francisco and suggested we go to a bar in LA, and at the bar in a city where he didn’t live, everyone knew his name. So I was concerned.

We had a couple drinks and some fun chit-chat and I told him I was ready to go home. WINK. You know, to have sex. And he told me he was ready to have a couple more drinks. And I said OK. He was on vacation. I would like to remind you: he was super hot.

Finally, the bar closes. We go back to my house. We go to bed. And we started to have the first sex. Of our new connection. First time. All the heat. All the desire. I was on top. I looked down at this man. His eyes were closed. He was transported by desire. His eyes stayed closed. For kind of a long time. I leaned in to check. He was snoring gently. He had fallen asleep. Not his dick. Everything from the dick back was asleep.

I dismounted, expertly, passing one leg over his body to not disturb him.

He woke up a moment later, I guess because his cock was cold.

He smiled and started making love to me again, and was looking very handsome. His dark, beautiful eyes locked onto mine, and then gently fell closed as he fell on top of me. He was asleep again.

You know the old saying, fall asleep inside me once, trick’s on me, fall asleep in me twice, I’m going to pull the condom off and throw it away and go to sleep.

He woke up in the morning and turned to me and said, “I’m starting to think I have a problem with alcohol.” And I said “yep”. And he said, “you’re not even going to pause on that? You’re just going to say yep?” And I looked in his beautiful face and I said, “I hope you have a nice drive home. I hope you do examine your relationship with alcohol. I’ve unfriended you on Facebook and blocked your phone number. You are my last alcoholic. Goodbye.”

The blessed lesson from this experience is: I know I don’t have to ask whether someone is or is not an alcoholic. If this article was familiar to you, you don’t either.

I don’t have to wonder what life would be like with that person. I know what it’s like.

I don’t have to ask whether I could help them stop drinking. I know that’s not my responsibility.

And I don’t have to keep them in my life if they don’t want to get better.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/you-are-my-last-alcoholic-relationship/#sthash.XlWtzcEE.dpuf

Subtext!

The team that brought you GOTHIXXX is back with SUBTEXT, a show about interpreting life’s mysterious text messages! Send us your mysterious text at asksubtext@gmail.com. All questions will be presented anonymously.

7 Important Things I Learned From Marriage

Marriage: It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed. That’s a best case scenario.

In my standup act, I ask the audience “Who’s married?” and hands go up. Then, I ask, “Who USED to be married?” and lots of the same hands go up. I berate them for making the same mistake twice-“Who ARE you people? Who says, well, that sucked- let me try it again with some other asshole?”

I only sort of mean this.

But I don’t entirely *not* mean it.I was married for eight years. That’s right, eight in a row, because anyone can take breaks, Janice!

My marriage ended badly, but that doesn’t mean that it was all bad. I learned a lot about what marriage is.

The First Thing

The first thing I learned about marriage is that it’s not about the engagement or the parties or the wedding, the public things. It’s the opposite of that. It’s the ultimate private thing. It is two people making a life together, alone. It doesn’t have anything to do with looking pretty in a dress or if your mom enjoyed the reception.

There is a whole industry geared up to tell you that marriage is about paying twice as much for shoes because they are white, and if you don’t have the right diamond ring, it means he doesn’t love you enough. It’s not about that.

I learned a lot of things about what marriage isn’t, or wasn’t for me. It’s not an endless meet cute. It’s two people really digging deep, getting to know each other and share each other’s lives, to give and take strength from each other as needed. If your primary motivator to get married is not the desire to make and share a life with that person, you should look at what it is you really want.

The Second Thing

The second thing I learned about marriage is that you could be so proud and excited about spending the rest of your life with this person and want to kill thim in the next moment. One time I came home and found that my spouse had spent the day putting up shelves for me and I was so pleased. I was just as aggravated the next day, when that same spouse had totaled his car doing something stupid. It’s the same person. “I’m so lucky, I can’t believe I’m married to you!” is the flip side of “OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M MARRIED TO YOU.” They’ll feel the same way about you sometimes!

They WILL do stupid things, and you will too. Committing to the rest of your life together means that you’re going to have moments of strength and weakness, days when you take on the world and days when you can’t get out of bed. If we were all paragons of virtue and strength every day, we wouldn’t need other people, we’d just be constantly having sex with celebrities. I think. And we’d never be sick or tired or unemployed or lonely, because we’d be so busy kicking the universe’s ass every single day.

The Third Thing

The third thing I learned about marriage is that it can transform you.

The support of another person, plus the time you save from online dating, means that each of you can really figure out what you want your life to look like. Sure, you’ll probably stop matching your bra and panty sets and you’ll start eating more bread, but you can become a more fulfilled person.

The things your partner does will reflect on you in a way they never have before, both good and bad. If they spout off at a party, fail to keep their promises, or behave antisocially, that’s your problem too. Of course, if your spouse is a Nobel-prize winning doctor, some of that rubs off on you, as well.I also learned that your spouse is who they are.

The Fourth Thing

People can change behaviors but they can’t really change their identities. When I met my husband, he was in a marriage that ended in infidelity. Ours ended the same way. He’s married again and I suspect it’ll end with another woman’s number in his phone.

The Fifth Thing

One good thing about being united with another human being is that you can learn more about who you are by contrast. “That’s his thing. That’s my thing.”

You can find out more about where you overlap and don’t overlap.

Some Sexy News

Sex will get really good. Having sex with one person, having years to figure each other out, means married sex can be incredible.

Your spouse will know you better than anyone.

I’m sorry that my marriage ended badly, because there are things I want to tell him sometimes that only he’ll get. The person who was closest to you for ten years is hard to lose.

The Sixth Thing

The next thing I learned when my marriage ended was that all endings are sad.

Every person who tells you they are divorcing deserves your sympathy. Even when the marriage was bad, there is a sadness in ending something that you hoped would last forever.

The Seventh Thing

The last thing I learned is that other people like being married, and when they’re healed and feeling strong, they’ll seek it out again, and I won’t. And that’s OK, too.

See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/7-things-i-learned-from-marriage-that-i-couldnt-learn-anywhere-else/2/#sthash.zO3bjcPV.dpuf

Meet The Never-Ready Men

I recently got two questions about avoidant men, so I’m going to address them together.

Lady 1 says:

Dear Virginia;

I’ve been seeing a man for six months, and recently spent a holiday with his family. We have never had a conversation about where we were headed. In the last few weeks, I noticed that he was frequently not returning my texts. When I asked him about it, he said, well, I’m not ready to be a boyfriend, can’t we just stay casual?

I am furious that I’m the last one to know that I’ve put six months into nothing.

Also, do I have to stop seeing him? I’ve gotten used to him.

Lady 2 says:

Dear Virginia

I’ve been dating a guy for five months, but when I broke my arm and was rushed to the hospital and called him, he wasn’t sure what I was talking about. The first time I needed anything from him at all, he shrugged and wandered off, telling a nurse that he wasn’t family, he was “just a friend” and he “wasn’t sure he could help.”

When was I supposed to find out I was sleeping with someone who regarded me as only slightly closer than a workmate? I am furious.

Dear Ladies;

First of all, I am so sorry. You ladies have been, either directly or indirectly, misled by avoidant men. One thing about hookup culture that guys are missing is that: it is, by its nature, temporary.

To sleep with a nice person once to half a dozen times with no expectation of a future is sort of normal. To drag it out over half a year and introduce her to family members in an attempt to look like an adult is cruel. I’ve been thinking for a while about drafting a list of things you can’t get in a supercasual modern dating relationship:

Exclusive claims to weekends
An ensured date to weddings
Input on important decisions such as: what to name the dog, what tattoo to get, or whether to go to grad school.
You don’t get to take anyone home for Christmas
Actually, most major holidays are out for you: Valentine’s day, Thanksgiving, New Year’s. You can go out with your casual hookup on Halloween, St. Patrick’s, and Cinco de Mayo: the drinking holidays.
But!

Neither of you get to continue dating without some communication. If you want more and they say they’re not ready, you might ask what that means.

Here are some possible things they mean when they say there’s not ready for a serious relationship:

He’s not ready. When you leave, they’re going to go find another girl to annoy for six months or so, and then they’ll look for another one.

Maybe he’s ready, but not with you. He might be ready for the next girl he meets, which sucks and which is why it might be a good idea to drop him on social media.

Perhaps he (and this comes up more than you’d think) Will Never Be Ready. He will always be Single and Ready to Mingle. I have met men in Los Angeles who’ve had longer relationships with a car lease than they have with a lady, and find this to be Super Normal. I call them Never-readies, but unlike batteries, they’ll drain you.

He’s ready, but they won’t know it until you leave him and he has a chance to think about what a special person you are and they’ll cry into their pillowcase and think about how nice your pillowcases smell and they’ll come running back, tripping over their untied shoelaces because they just woke up and came running over to your house.

I know that number 4 sounds very romantic, but it’s probably one of the other three. I’m sorry. I’d like it to be number 4. Keep in mind that whatever the number is, it’s not your fault. It’s not the way you wore your hair or how good you were in bed or how interested you pretended to be in fantasy football or garage rock. You can’t make him ready. You can’t trick him into being ready. If after being with someone as quirky and wonderful as you are for half a year, if he says he’s not ready, 1. He’s an idiot and 2. He probably isn’t going to be ready.

In any case, your only option is to set them free, back into the dating pool and out of your hair and, lady number one- DEFINITELY stop seeing him.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/what-does-it-mean-when-he-says-hes-not-ready/#sthash.wSwFqCLk.dpuf

Highway to the Friendzone

Welcome To The Friendzone!

It sounds like more fun than it is. It sounds like there will be a waterslide. There is no waterslide, just hurt feelings.

What Does It Mean?

The nicest definition of the Friendzone is: two people meet. One person is interested in the other person romantically. The other person is not interested, but says they want to be friends.

Why Does It Happen?

Sometimes that person doesn’t really want to be friends, but it’s easier to say that than to make up a boyfriend or to say “I have no space for you in my life, and I’m not going to return your texts.”

Sometimes two people will go on a few dates before one person will say “I like you as a friend.”

Women are trained to be polite and deferential to men, and not to say things like “I don’t find you attractive.”

Also, women are worried that if we are crystal clear that we are not interested in sex, men will stop talking to us, because we are only worthy as a sexual partner/conquest/etc.

It Happens To Everyone

One of the hardest things about being a person with feelings is: sometimes those feelings are not reciprocated.

This happens to everyone, even Johnny Depp and Ariana Grande. Everyone. Everyone you know has liked someone who did not like them back. President Obama. Channing Tatum. That lady on TikTok who is famous for her butt. Everyone.

Sometimes men will complain about being Friendzoned. It doesn’t sound so bad, except when you start peeling the first onion layer you find a really misogynist onion.

Fallacies of Friendzoning-First Men, Then Women:

I met someone I am attracted to. There’s a fifty-fifty shot that she’ll choose me.

It’s actually a lot lower than that. If women slept with everyone who wanted to sleep with us, we’d never get anything else done, like laundry or higher education.

The Friendzone is the default zone. Almost everyone goes there. It’s not so bad. We like you, we value your company. We just don’t want to date you.

There’s something I could have done or said that would have kept me out of the Friendzone.

I’ve heard several versions of this- if a man didn’t act dominant or aggressive enough, a woman would stop thinking of him as a romantic partner. This happens with snakes and prey- if you drop a mouse into a cage with a snake who’s just eaten, the snake will get used to the mouse, and just cohabitate with it and will never get around to eating it.

This attitude heaps guilt on the rejected party. Probably there wasn’t anything you could have done. You’re just not the guy she likes. Science says it might be as much smell as anything, so it doesn’t matter what bands you put on a Spotify mix for her or whether you were wearing your nicest Scarface shirt that day.

Every Day Is A New Day

If it makes you feel better to think you could have done something different, maybe try that approach next time, but if the chemistry doesn’t go both ways, you’re gonna be right back in the Friendzone.

Jerks Always Get The Girl, Nice Guys Like Me Get Friendzoned.

Well- if you feel entitled to have sex with everyone you like, or if you’re a good friend to a girl you deserve sex- you’re also a jerk! You’re just a jerk she doesn’t like.

If you don’t want to be her friend, don’t.

If you’re only being her friend in case one night she decides to sleep with you, don’t. Be her friend because you think she’s cool and you like her company. If you liked her so much, but not enough to be her friend: what did you like about her?

Women and Friendzoning:

Whenever a guy I liked didn’t like me, I assumed that either I was too fat or he was threatened that I was smarter than he was. It depended on how I was feeling that day. I never blamed him for not liking me back, and I never said “MAN IF I’D BEEN AGGRESSIVE I WOULDN’T BE IN THIS STUPID FRIENDZONE.”

Pretty in Pink Friendzoning:

In the film Pretty in Pink, Duckie is Friendzoned by Andie. He spends the movie romantically pining and pretending that she doesn’t know that he’s interested in her. When he freaks out on her for being on a date, it’s clear that she’s known all along.

The audience sides with him in the movie and wants him to get the girl, even though she has never acted interested in him. “But he’s been such a good friend to her!” So what? She’s a good friend to him, too. Why is his time worth her sexual interest? And in the end he was just as interested in a random blonde at prom, anyway.

Jon Hamm Friendzoning Me:

Because I am a Hollywood type person with a modern a go-go lifestyle, last Wednesday I was in a room with Mad Men’s Jon Hamm.

He is incredibly handsome. We had a brief exchange, I was friendly, I was charming, I was wearing a dress and everything, but he treated me as a friend, or as a stranger at a comedy show. That’s right: I was friendzoned by Jon Hamm, which is HORSEFEATHERS because I KNOW HE DOESN’T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND RIGHT NOW. I WOULD BE SO NICE TO YOU JON HAMM.

Crossed signals happen to everyone. Stop talking about the friendzone. Be as honest, kind, and open as you can, and also dress up when you go out, because people like that.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/finding-yourself-in-the-friendzone/2/#sthash.9NjdbEMF.dpuf

Romance, Cat Photos, And Emojis: How Texting has ruined every poetic moment you’ve ever known!

I go out walking after midnight
Out in the moonlight
Just like we used to do
I’m always walkin’ after midnight, searchin’ for you”
– As sung by Patsy Cline, written by Alan Block and Donn Hecht

In Walkin’ after Midnight, Patsy Cline sings about walking around her neighborhood, thinking about her ex lover and wishing to be with him. She seems to be hoping that the energy of her desire will draw him out of his house and bring them together. This song is so sad and full of longing, and it couldn’t happen today.

She’d just send him a text: ‘sup? And if he was up, he’d write “u up?” and they’d start sexting and eventually hook up at her place, or behind a P.F. Chang’s.

Going back even further, you may not know that the legendary lantern signal one if by land, two if by sea was actually the way that colonist Paul Revere let his mistress know if his wife had gone to bed and she could come over.

Now he’d just Instagram a picture of two lanterns and caption it “Hey ladies”.

Classic romance films An Affair to Remember and Sleepless in Seattle both had a scene where a man waits atop the Empire State Building for a woman to meet him, his heart filled with hope and anxiety and longing, but not today. He’d wait five minutes and send her an emoji of a clock and an angry face, and she’d text him back with an eggplant and a thumbs up, or something. The main twist to all romantic films from here forward will always have to include a broken phone, or losing battery and not being able to find an outlet to charge.

Technology has completely changed the way we communicate, and late night communication in particular. If Lord Byron wanted to send a secret missive, he had to wake a servant up to hand deliver a handwritten note, and that servant had to wake up her servant, and what if your servants are sleepy, or, worse, you don’t have any? You’re limited to throwing rocks at a window or moaning out on your balcony, “Romeo! Wherefore art thou?”

Now, it’s almost too easy. Once you’ve had a couple drinks and watched Magic Mike XXL, you might reach out to a friend or ex or acquaintance in a more direct way than you would at lunchtime on a Tuesday. That’s ok, or at least, it’s normal- but if you do find that you’re embarrassed by your late night phone behavior, use my friend’s policy: he doesn’t write anyone between midnight and 7am, less it be construed as a sext. “Anything I want to say can wait until it’s daylight,” he says.

We communicate via text much more than in any other method. It’s easier than ever to use messaging to reduce physical distance between people- but be careful once you start dating, because it can make you feel more distant.

In a study published this year, Pew Research found that 25 percent of cellphone users in a relationship believed that their partner was distracted by that person’s cellphone when they were together, and 45% of internet users ages 18-29 in serious relationships say the internet and phones have had an impact on their relationship.

What do we take from all this? It’s great to get in touch on your phone, it’s great to stay in touch, but try to prioritize the people you’re actually with and have a better connection with them. Try the following:

Treat your date or outing like a job interview, and keep your phone in your purse or pocket until you’re leaving. Try leaving it in your car’s glove compartment. That’s right. Turn it off and put it in a box. It’s not your friend.

Try logging out of Facebook, so when you do decide to check it, you have to log back in to see how many people liked your cat picture. It’ll make you more aware of how often you just check in, and are able to consider how often is really necessary.

At the very least, pop into Airplane Mode to silence the delicious little buzzes and bells that let you know someone somewhere has done something. Try to live in the moment, and pay attention to the person you like doing that with.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/romance-cat-photos-and-emojis/#sthash.JaUsaBWm.dpuf

Mind Your Manners- a repost from Love.TV

Mind Your Manners

I asked readers for questions on online dating from ladies and men, and you really came through! Thank you so much.

Q: How do you politely end a disastrous first date?

A: First of all- set a time limit for your first date of about an hour. After that, you have a good idea of whether or not you’d like to spend more time with that person. Come pre-loaded with an excuse like meeting a friend, or an appointment elsewhere. Good ideas for first dates include small things, like meeting for a coffee or a drink. Terrible first date ideas include: attending your cousin’s wedding, going on a road trip to Montreal, or taking a six week long Cantonese cooking course.

No matter how awkward the date is, you can give someone an hour of your time, then bow out and thank them for meeting with you. You might get a story out of it, or make a friend, or learn something you didn’t know before. Being polite costs nothing.

Of course, if after an hour you are both looking at each other with sparkly eyes and you just ate a piece of spaghetti together and kissed at the end, you can totally agree to continue the date.

Q: When should you let someone know whether or not you’d like to see them again?

A: If you have the gumption to tell someone face to face that you really enjoyed meeting them and ask if you can see them again, do so. It’s the romantic thing to do. Otherwise, say nothing, slink away and text them surreptitiously when you get back to your car, or send them a message online.

If you don’t want to see them again after the first date, just say nothing. This is the default setting.

Q: I’m out on a date in a bar, but I see another attractive person in the room. Since I’m not in a relationship, isn’t it fine to chat up and ask that person out as well?

A: This is incredibly rude, and telling me that I’m being ridiculous and it wasn’t rude at all doesn’t change anything, Matt!

When you’re on a date, that time belongs to that person. If you can’t commit to giving one person your undivided attention for a few hours, don’t go on dates, just keep swiping on Tinder.

Q: I’m on a first date with someone who I really like- in the interest of transparency, don’t I need to tell them that I have other first dates planned?

A: Not only is this none of their business, it’s actually a bit rude. Going on a first date is more like going on a job interview than it is a romantic event. You wouldn’t tell an interviewer how many other companies you were trying to get hired at, right? Not until it was time to talk money. Treat dating the same way, except never talk about money because then you’re not dating, you’re an escort.

Q: When can I assume that the person I’m seeing isn’t seeing other people?

A: Never. Even if you fall in love and move in together and she supports you through graduate school and you stick by her side after she loses her pet hamster in a freak road paving accident, and you get older, start wearing only sweatpants and eventually die holding hands in front of the television, unless you have specifically asked “are you interested in being monogamous?”, you’re best off assuming she was continuing to see other people throughout.
Q: How long of a relationship is too long for ghosting, or suddenly ending contact with someone without notice?

A: According to Charlize Theron, two years of dating isn’t too long to stop responding to Sean Penn’s texts, calls, and desperate floral deliveries. For most of us, this is insensitive. Think of the golden rule. Is this how you’d like to be treated? Anything after five dates probably deserves some sort of goodbye.

Q: I have been speaking to a man online and he has asked me out, but I don’t feel any spark of interest. Should I give it a shot anyway, just in case?

A: Pretending to like someone is a waste of everyone’s time. This is what the song Cruel to be Kind is about. If you really aren’t interested, you’re not, and that’s nobody’s fault, except for maybe his fault for wearing a wrinkled shirt in every photograph and not listening to anything besides Bel Biv Devoe. Attraction is strange and unpredictable and that’s part of its magic.

Q: I was out with my friend and we ran into a girl I recently matched with on Tinder, but I hadn’t messaged yet. They wound up hooking up in a bathroom. Isn’t he in the wrong?

A: If you didn’t make plans with her and never met her, she’s just another stranger, and their toilet hookup is as meaningless as yours would have been. Better luck next time!

Q: I’m on a first date and she won’t put her phone down. When can I leave?

A: If it’s been more than ten minutes since she’s spoken or made eye contact, see if you can pay the bill and sneak out the door without rousing her curiosity or interrupting her game of Candy Crush!

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/mind-your-manners/#sthash.tVqsf6J7.dpuf