Category: portland

As Tammy Wynnette said.

This really is too personal to put on a blog , but the artist formerly known as Spouse recently said he thought we should get a divorce, so that he could date someone else.

The month since has been an interesting education in my own vanity and in the many ways I could feel bad.  I have already learned so much about myself, like that I’m used to fiddling with my wedding ring a hundred times a day.  I know that most of my Portland friends have never even known me without him.  Your kind thoughts are appreciated.

2012 Postscript: In a hilarious update, he has continued the feel-good Valentines’ tradition by remarrying on the same day he dumped me, a year later, on the radio!  I wrote him “Uh, congrats, I guess” and he texted back “ZOMG THAT IS SO SWEET OF YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH.”  Still and all, I hope Third Wife has better luck with him than the first two, because, you know.  He cheated on us!

Portland on Portlandia

Since Portlandia aired, comedy in Portland has been dealt a blow- we can no longer make fun of precious, childhood-fetishizing, fixie-riding hipsters, our most visible attribute and most reviled population segment, because it’s been DONE, darling. 

In desperation, I have been casting about for new jokes about our beloved city- to this end, here is a list of things that have NEVER been said about Portland:

Self-starter, type-A personality workers keep stores open all hours of the day and night- you never stop by an independent store at 3PM on a Tuesday to find them closed for no adequately explained reason.

One disadvantage of Portland living:  you can’t find a coffeeshop in this town to save your life.

Everywhere you go, in every shop and residence, you can hear Dolly Parton singing “Jolene.”

Local waiststaff are frequently taken to task for being unnaturally clean and polite.

All of Portland has a crush on Zia McCabe of the Dandy Warhols, even buildings and those brass fountain otters downtown.

Portland is George W. Bush’s favorite weekend getaway city.  Find him walking down to Saturday Market from the Governor hotel, which he thinks he can stay at for free, because he was a Governor.

Portland drivers are passive to the extreme, and are often overtaken by wild rabbits on the highway.

Like pumping your own gas, it’s illegal to make your own breakfast on Saturday or Sunday, leading to long, hungry lines in front of every local restaurant on the weekends.

Write me with more things that have never been said about Portland, ever!

Another Goal Achieved

Like many sociopaths, I have a Google Alert tied to my name, and so I get little emails when my name comes up on the internet.  Now, when your name is Virginia Jones, what you do mostly is: die.  That’s mildly creepy, but most of my peers are 95 years old, leaving behind kids, pets, and heartbroken church groups.  So, when there’s a post that’s really about me, I get pretty excited, especially when what I get is a nightlife calendar alerting people in the Sequim and Kitsap areas that I will be performing soon: NIGHTLIFE CALENDAR

I’ve made it!  Don’t question me!

Ringing In 2011 With The Best of 2010!


I will be returning to host this year’s Curious Comedy Best-Of New Year’s Eve!

Catch up with the best of all the comedy of the year, with improv, stand-up, dance, and sketch comedy to keep you laughing in the new year

full bar, free hors d’oeuvres and treats throughout the night, followed by a late-night dance party!

This show will sell out, so buy your tickets now- only $40 for an evening’s madness!

Tickets Here!

My Open Mic!

My beloved open mike is happening again at Curious Comedy Theatre on Sunday, December 12th.  We’ve been having fun on 2nd and 4th Sundays for over a year now, and I’d like to see you there.  Sign-up is at 8:30 and the show starts at 9!  Full bar and snacks available!

NOT-ttleganger

Photo by Lisa Whiteman

Had the following exchange last night in Seattle:

Guy: so, excuse me but- are you famous?
Me: what? No, I am totally not famous.
Guy: I just feel like I’ve seen you somewhere!
Me:(flattered, a little weirded out) no, I mean, I’m famous in Portland vegan restaurants, gay bars, and karaoke nights, and also at my mom’s house. I’m totally not famous.
Guy: oh! You know who I’m thinking of? That girl on the Daily Show.
Me: (Defeated) Kristen Schaal.
Guy:yeah!

Postscript: After performing in two festivals with her, I finally got some face time with Kristen and explained that for the last two years, every time someone asked me “Do you know who you look like?”, she was the answer to the question.  She said “I kind of see it, and the important thing is that we’re both beautiful!”  Why, yes, Kristen, what a perfect thing to say.

I should also remark that since the time of writing the original post, I am also famous at Gresham Costco.  One cashier knows who I am and always seems excited to ring me up and call her husband afterwards and gush “Comedians eat trail mix, just like we do!”

Tonight! New Wave and Britpop Mash-Up!

Art By Kell Dockham

Me and spouse are heading to The Woods tonight to play records as our weirdzo 80’s DJ team, New Rotic. We’ve played every venue in this town, from the defunct Blackbird to the deceased Nocturnal to the underground Dunes. Lipgloss & Cigarettes are Portland’s finest retired britpop night, DJ’ed by “Beetlebum” Kell Dockham.  There’s no cover and there’s no stopping us, so come by around 9 o’clock!