Category: portland

It’s Easy Being Green

In a fitting St. Patrick’s day occurrence, I rolled onto my first new green “bike box” at SE 7th and Hawthorne today.

It’s a cheery, acid astroturf color, and it’s designed to remind cars not to flatten me on my bike. I also reached 8,000 miles on my odometer today, almost two years to the day of my 2,000th mile!

Tomorrow, the day after St. Patrick’s day, is always an exciting day for a bike commuter, and if the weather’s clear, I can report on the number of visible vomits on my regular route.

DJ Chico Jones

Chico has amassed a fair collection of deep house and EBM CD’s, and he’s got them all loaded on his laptop, and he’s got five or ten Detroit white label records, and he’s ready to offer his services as a DJ and party-maker. He requires a child’s highchair and a small bowl of water to perform. He has always been able to bite beats and to scratch. He is very interested in meeting attractive bitches. He is still available for New Year’s Eve. He would like to perform at Burning Man next September.

Before you judge me, remember that Portland winters are long, rainy, and grey, and sometimes they make you wonder to yourself, “What if my dog was a rave DJ?”

Goth Juice: The Most Powerful Hairspray Known To Man


I don’t know the last time I was just an out-and-out shill for something, but I was pretty excited to pick up a container of GOTH JUICE last weekend, the new hairstyling product from Lush. It’s purple, it’s powerful, and it’s inspired (along with a companion product called King of the Mods) by the fantastic UK comedy, The Mighty Boosh.  Each tub claims to be “Made from the Tears of Robert Smith.”

Confidential to Gabe Dinger and Pete Ellison: Robert Smith is *still* not a member of the Smiths. Oddly, none of them were called Smith, which makes them the opposite of the Ramones, who were all named Ramone.

POSTSCRIPT:

I loved this product and used it when my hair was short, and then one day, I went to Lush to pick some more up and my friend Andrea, who is now the lead singer of the great band Holy Grove, had to break the news that it was discontinued, and comfort me because I was crying in a soap store.  Zen teaches us that loving something means one day you will lose it, and you must always prepare yourself for that loss.

Bridgetown Comedy Festival!

Portland can’t wait for the first-ever Bridgetown Comedy Festival, from March 6-8! There is a HUGE roster of West Coast comedians, headlined by the star of the Oscar-winning food-cooking rat movie, PATTON OSWALT- and I believe that there’s some time in there for yours truly.

My Sets Are:
Thursday, March 6th: Mount Tabor Legacy Lounge, 8:00 PM
Friday, March 7th: Mount Tabor “Big Room”, 7:00 PM
Saturday, March 8th: Bar of the Gods, 8:00 PM.

POSTSCRIPT: It was fantastic. I got to see, meet, and point at so many funny, funny people. I was particularly knocked out by Kyle Kinane and Tig Notaro, and James Adomian, Jason Nash, and the lithe David Cope. Thanks to all who attended.

The hilarious Mr. Oswalt cuddles a puppy onstage. Don’t tell Grumpus.

James Adomian’s amazing George W. Bush was the surprise hit of the festival.

The only real record of me in the festival was a throwaway line about wrist-slitting, recorded in the Mercury blog.

PIZZAZZ, where is thy STING?

DOLLY VIDEO HERE!

I had the most fun ever last night not winning anything (except the hearts of the audience) in the sold-out Mercury Pizzazz talent show, thank you so much for attending if you were in attendance. Here is some behind-the-scenes gossip:

1. After the first act, the stagehands were walkie-talking each other about the vast amounts of unicorn blood that had to be mopped up.

2. One of CJ’s dolls was a replacement from that very week, speaking to the hard work and talent involved!

3. The question that everyone has about Diamond Motion’s Madison is answered by the phrase: stuffing and wig tape.

4. White Stripes and Arcade Fire be damned, the music that rocks Portland is by Miss Bonnie Tyler, whose Total Eclipse of the Heart and Holding Out For A Hero opened and closed the show, respectively.

5. The song I used in my tap routine is the subtle and hilarious Hell, by Angel Corpus Christi.

photo of Kazum

Congratulations to acrobatic masters KAZUM for their second-place winnings of $500 and a pile of street cred! It was an amazing moment when the #1 spot was given to a breakdancing act, because of the rush of hot air BOOOs flowing over the stage.  (This is where I met my friend Jesse Fowler, who still loves burning man but has stopped being an acrobat and has started being a vintage bakelite specialist!)

Although we did not get to watch the show in the green room, as I understand it, this broken and bloody apocalyptic unicorn was a ROBBED, being the crowd favorite who didn’t win:

A sad story, indeed!

I’ve Got Pizzazz!

I got the shoulder tap today confirming that I will be competing in PIZZAZZ, the Portland Mercury Talent Show, on Friday, October 26th at the Wonder Ballroom. I know that a fire dancer/stripper/bike activist will win, so I am free to relax and have fun with it. I think what swung them on my entry was the fact that while Jerry Lewis used to incorporate tap dance and comedy, no-one has ever done both in a dolly outfit.

I have been slyly advised that people with cheering sections sway judging. If only I had one of those…see results here!

Opi8

Although it is a couple of years old, I think this rendering of myself and my spouse at the center of the party in the pages of a sequence of Adam White’s Opi8 is worth sharing. I am depicted as my own midgetized version, but the dancing and haircut are spot on. Spouse is the tall fellow who looks like himself. Also pictured are author Tait B. on the left-hand side of the bottom panel, New York’s Billy K on the right at top, and the gentleman on the far left is Damian Ramsay, who left us last April but would have been 29 on October 28th.