Category: Virginia Jones

My Last Alcoholic

My Last Alcoholic

I don’t like to say that my family is all alcoholics, but we have pretty strong numbers.  My grandfather was dead at 45, his liver rotted through, leaving behind a small family and a whole town of party buddies who thought he was really great.  It’s an established fact that alcoholism runs through families.  It doesn’t necessarily breed other alcoholics, but it breeds codependents and nurturers and excuse makers and people who seek out alcoholics as partners.

I’m not an alcoholic, and my sister isn’t, but we find ‘em and we date ‘em.  It’s what we’re good at.  She is of the opinion that there’s no man in the world who’s not an alcoholic, because she hadn’t met one yet.

I can tell when someone is an alcoholic or an addict without ever seeing them use. It is my superpower, because if you are an alcoholic or addict active in your addiction,

  1. I will find you attractive.  I will feel that magical flutter in my chest that only happens in the movies and which I now associate with fear.
  1. Alcoholics will tell you the same stories over and over, and they forget the things you tell them, because they weren’t listening. They tell you things when they’re drunk and they don’t remember when they’re sober.  This is your problem.
  1. Alcoholics may brush with greatness, but sometimes they don’t seem to have achieved very much. Maybe they were nearly in a big band, or they used to be in one, or made some great art when they were younger, but now they’re 40 and call themselves a photographer but the last time they took a picture was last year sometime, or they just keep losing job after job because everyone else is a JERK.
  1. Alcoholics don’t prioritize sex. Personally, I love sex, and if I love you, I really want to have sex with you, lots of it.  Alcoholics might have sex with you if they are able to after the bar closes and if there’s no booze in the house.  And that’s abnormal.  Science tells us that healthy men will prioritize sex over food, over sleep, over personal safety- but not over addiction.
  1. Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because nothing is ever their fault. If you hang around long enough, everything will become your fault.

6. Sometimes you can tell someone is an alcoholic because they are so charming and wonderful, and when they are nice to you, it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world, and it covers you in warmth and light, and when it turns off it feels like the planet Hoth. Alcoholics are two different people. You think that once they stop drinking, the bad selfish lying part will go away and the sweet smart creative will stay behind and love you, but the fact is that the second thing is a fiction that allows the first thing to survive.  The mean drunk is who they really are.

My last alcoholic was a super smart very handsome photographer that had been a TA for twenty years and wasn’t sure what had happened. He came to visit me from San Francisco and suggested we go to a bar in LA, and at the bar in a city where he didn’t live, everyone knew his name.  So I was concerned.

We had a couple drinks and some fun chit-chat and I told him I was ready to go home.  WINK.  You know, to have sex.   And he told me he was ready to have a couple more drinks.   And I said OK.  He was on vacation.   I would like to remind you: he was super hot.

Finally, the bar closes. We go back to my house.  We go to bed.  And we started to have the first sex.  Of our new connection.  First time.  All the heat.  All the desire.  I was on top.  I looked down at this man.  His eyes were closed.  He was transported by desire.    His eyes stayed closed.  For kind of a long time.  I leaned in to check.  He was snoring gently.  He had fallen asleep.  Not his dick.  Everything from the dick back was asleep.

I dismounted, expertly, passing one leg over his body to not disturb him.

He woke up a moment later, I guess because his cock was cold.

He smiled and started making love to me again, and was looking very handsome.  His dark, beautiful eyes locked onto mine, and then gently fell closed as he fell on top of me.  He was asleep again.

You know the old saying, fall asleep inside me once, trick’s on me, fall asleep in me twice, I’m going to pull the condom off and throw it away and go to sleep.

He woke up in the morning and turned to me and said, “I’m starting to think I have a problem with alcohol.”  And I said “yep”.  And he said, “you’re not even going to pause on that? You’re just going to say yep?”  And I looked in his beautiful face and I said, “I hope you have a nice drive home.  I hope you do examine your relationship with alcohol.   I’ve unfriended you on Facebook and blocked your phone number.  You are my last alcoholic.  Goodbye.”

The blessed lesson from this experience is: I know I don’t have to ask whether someone is or is not an alcoholic.  If this article was familiar to you, you don’t either.

I don’t have to wonder what life would be like with that person.  I know what it’s like.

I don’t have to ask whether I could help them stop drinking.  I know that’s not my responsibility.

And I don’t have to keep them in my life if they don’t want to get better.

– See more at: http://www.lovetv.co/you-are-my-last-alcoholic-relationship/#sthash.XlWtzcEE.dpuf

My Premiere Album: GOTHIC AMERICAN!

This is my comedy album, Gothic American, on Bandcamp, available to stream or buy! Also look for me on Spotify, Youtube, Amazon, Pandora, Itunes, and every damn place!

I’m Recording My Album!

poolparty3

  You guys, I’m so excited to tell you I’m recording my first comedy album!  Look, I don’t know what I’m gonna call it, but after nine years of telling my goofball make-em-ups, I’m going to make a comedy album! The great guys at Complex are throwing the do and the beautiful and hilarious Janine Brito (Totally Biased, SXSW, Moontower) will be hosting for me! It’s going to be free and totally fun and I’d love it if you came down to laugh with us. If you’ve been saying to yourself, “I should get out to one of Virginia’s things one of these days”, this is the one I’d love you to come to– MARK YOUR CALENDARS! TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN’T PLAY D&D OR CARDS AGAINST HUMANITY THAT NIGHT!  Thank you!

Postscript: here’s my baby, Gothic American!  Check it out!

39th Annual San Francisco International Comedy Competition!

The first prelim results!

I’m very excited to be moving on to the next level in the San Francisco International Comedy Competition. I used to think I hated   comedy competitions, but really I just hate the ones I’m doing badly in?  Look to the right of this very article to see the dates in the next heat, running in and around SF Sept 22-27!  Wish me luck!

 

POSTSCRIPT:  We had a lotta fun, Kabir Singh took it home in the end, and I didn’t make it out of semis.  What’s the expression?  It was an honor to be nominated.  And it was!  I had some great shows and worked with some great people.

Reading Between The Lines: Interpreting Craigslist Missed Connections Part Two

The lovely and vivacious Sharon Houston asked for my take on this Missed Connection, and it’s a doozy:

“Girl in the Planned Parenthood in Lakewood – m4w – 25
age : 25

I felt like you were trying to catch my eye, and Im not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or bad way haha let me know.  I was with a girl and wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants with glasses. If this is you let me know what you were wearing, because I thought you looked really good but I just couldnt say it or stare too long because im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman (:”

First of all, we all know that hitting on a girl at a sex clinic takes brass balls, or at least a certain lack of both self awareness and social graces. To do so while accompanying another girl to the sex clinic is just phenomenal.

“Not sure if you were staring at me in a good way or a bad way…wearing a black hat, black shirt and sweat pants.”

LOL WTF She’s looking at you in a bad way, asswipe. You’re wearing sweat pants in public like a giant baby- and if you can’t dress up for your first abortion, what will you dress up for?

“haha let me know”

I am prone to faking laughter when things get awkward haha.  It’s how you can tell I’m an indigo child LOL.

“im a nice guy and was in the company of another woman”

And what amazing, punctuation-starved company that is!  I hope both your STD screens came out clean?  Yes, I’m pretty sure that waiting until you’re alone to post a missed connection is what nice guys and gentlemen do.

“Let me know what you were wearing”- I hope you remember what you had on every time some asshole stares at you in public. While we’re at it, what kind of phone do I have? What color are my eyes? What inconsistencies were circled in the Highlights magazine in the waiting room? Are you not the Sherlock fucking Holmes of strangers staring at you?

I’m kidding, kid. I hope you do find love with everyone at the sex clinic.

My first Missed Connection interpretation is here.

Highschooooool!

I was home this week and paging through a stolen copy of my high school’s yearbook and wanted to point out the following image:

Alan Tudyk is pretty cool and is from Firefly and and more importantly, plays a cult leader in two episodes of Strangers with Candy, alongside fellow PSHS alum Jeremy Schwartz, who is also a totally awesome actor person.

Alan Tudyk never hung out with me, but that’s ok.  Hardly anyone did, possibly because I had an earring I made out of a rosary and a lock of my boyfriend Chris’  (last name redacted) hair. Maybe it was because everything I am wearing I got from yard sales, and wore when we took pictures in August in Texas. Perhaps it was because I was identifying with Andie from Pretty in Pink so much that I drove a Kharmann Ghia that was constantly vandalized because I had a KEEP ABORTION LEGAL sticker on it in North Texas.  Who knows?