I put in for a fellowship at the Onion, and I didn’t get it, but I still think these jokes are pretty tasty!
Headlines
Remote Island Discovered Where Gnarls Barkley Still Famous
Sanjaya and Zendaya Get Married, Confusing Moms Everywhere
Area Woman Posts Selfie; Hears From Every Man She Knows
Escape Room becomes Rage Room in Single Bad Afternoon
Instant Pot “Not Instant Enough” For Hungry Dad
Pet Turtle Has No Idea What’s Going On
Local Child Petitions City Council To Decriminalize Bed-Jumping
Wedding Planner’s Suicide Note References Mason Jars; Edison Bulbs
Electric Scooter Rentals Now Ask That Users Wipe Blood From Display After Use
Model Sets New Bar For Body Image: Says, “You Can Be No Wider Than This Bar”
Last Geocities Flame .Gif Burns Out
Stan Lee Cause Of Death At 95 Revealed: Taken By Thanos
Time Travel: If You Know Who Hitler Is, We Don’t Have It
So-Called “MANDELA AFFECT” Explained: People Are Morons
Last Handful of Pokemon Go! Monsters Have Crossbred Into Uncatchable Mutants
Self Driving Car Service Lasted 48 Hours Before Cars Were Used As Mobile Sex Hotels
Taylor Swift Disguises Self As Giant Bird To Avoid Paparazzi
“Reduce Vet Bills By 90%” Campaign Popularizes Pet Euthanasia Services
Area Boyfriend Sure He Needs More Katanas
Local Muskrat Never Found Muskrat Love Before Dying Muskrat Death Muskrat Alone
Salman Rushdie Wows EU Summit With New Cut, Color
News Updates
Single Woman Celebrates Receipt Of One Hundredth Dick Pic
MINNEAPOLIS, MN “I don’t remember exactly why I started saving them,” said local woman Caroline Chalmers. “The first couple of times I got one, I just deleted it and tried to forget about it,” she told reporters. “But then, they I got so many that it seemed like a fun game to see how many I would get, abiding by the ground rules that I never asked for them, acknowledged their receipt, or met the men sending them.”
Sorting the images by size and color, she eventually started an x-rated Pinterest page. “Everyone likes this little fire hydrant shaped one! I don’t remember what that guy’s name was. Anyway, who knows why anyone collects anything?”
Hollywood Investors Establishing Spiderman Reboot Industry
STUDIO CITY, CA In a tremendous investment and concentration of resources, Columbia Pictures has established a separate financial entity responsible for the planning, shooting, editing and distribution of future Spiderman reboots.
Featuring a boutique spidey suit design house, a New York Brownstone soundstage, and most importantly, a stable of young men being groomed as future Spider-Men, executives were confident that they could front-load to deliver Spiderman reboots through the year 2030. An open gymnasium door revealed a gaggle of identical brown-haired thirteen year olds practicing parkour before a passing white-haired executive smiled and pulled the door closed.
Gig Economy Update: Area Woman Hired To Clean Her Own House By Husband
COLUMBUS, OH “When the app first went off, I was really confused,” said Tina Hale, a recently laid-off cocktail waitress and new You’ve Got It Maid contractor. “It’s supposed to find me cleaning work near my house, but the address looked like it *was* my house. I thought it was maybe a bug, so I wrote the support email. In just a couple hours they said nope, my husband had ordered a cleaning service.” She stood in her own living room, sizing up the job. “I guess he was trying to do something nice for me, and I guess the place got a little ragged this month, but he’s gonna pay twice to clean it what I’m gonna get paid to do it. And if he doesn’t give me five stars I’m moving out.” She then went to her closet to get her own cleaning supplies, cursing lightly under her breath as she did so.
Tips For Choosing The Right Gift
Enter their height, weight, and favorite Starburst flavor into the Amazon Gift Optimizer and let the algorithm do the rest!
Secretly collect 200 ml of their saliva to submit for DNA testing- then surprise them with a digeridoo that speaks to the aboriginal heritage they never knew they had!
Trick them into wearing a Google glass all October, then buy things their eye landed on for longer than a minute!
For Seniors: Steal prized posessions from them and give them back next Christmas, when they’re forgotten they used to have them!
Cut out one inch by one inch squares of their favorite clothing and surprise them with a cursed doll of themselves! Great for curing headaches and making love spells!
