Emo Philips is making a rare Oregon appearance in January, and as a star of this caliber, you have probably guessed that he’ll be performing at Joker’s in Bend, OR. Please let me know if you would like to hop into a middle-aged Volvo on January 24th and go see the man ripped off by Hot Topic in live person, and we’ll make an evening of it, or as long as it takes us to post bail.
This will be the last time I will mention our dang Leigh Bowery costumes. Probably.
I put a short film of a dance routine I did on Halloween on Youtube, but I hesitated to post about it, because it’s not really the film I wanted (due to the shaky-cam, tight-zoom effect) but in retrospect, it *is* the best one-minute tap routine in a Leigh Bowery costume ever done to a mashup of “Baby Got Back.”
Or else, certainly it’s in the top ten.
Yesterday, I got a Youtube comment asking if that was really Leigh Bowery. I told my new friend no, it was just little me, and my friend complimented my costume, and I felt all warm inside. However, shortly after that, I got a Youtube comment from an alert viewer pointing out that he didn’t really believe that it was Leigh, and believes the film to be: A HOAX. He noted astutely that:
A. The costume is not as fancy/decorated as it should have been. Shitty, shitty costume.
B. The dancing is graceless, like a drunken elephant in toe shoes. Nothing like Leigh.
C. It could be Leigh at 5 AM in an afterhours bar, snockered out of his mind- but in general, he’s calling a Bravo Sierra on this!
I wrote my esteemed viewer to thank him for his interest and to note that I never intended to pass the movie off as the genuine article, and had re-titled the movie Tribute to Leigh Bowery to avoid this kind of confusion in the future, and did not point out clues that he missed:
A. In both the notes and in the comments I say “This is me, dressed as Leigh Bowery.”
Also, I put the record date on the submit, which is 12 years and 9 months after Leigh took off for parts unknown.
B. Although “Baby Got Back” was released in 1992, 2 years before we lost Leigh, the Benny Benassi mash-up by DJ Tripp was just released in April 2005, and the one minute remix of that version was done over Labor Day weekend of this year. (Thank you, Kid Whatever!)
C. Although Leigh was gifted in many different artforms, I don’t believe that tap dance was ever on his list of interests. He overlooked the fact that I am between 125 and 150 pounds lighter than Leigh. And that’s the unkindest cut of all.
Modern postscript: Please thank my 2006 Sony Clie for these crappy photos! I loved that thing. Maybe as much as I love my iPhone.
Here is the bank of capsule toy machines in Singapore, with a child pretending to fight a cutout robot. They are the sophisticated, collectible cousins of the machines that sell useless crap in American supermarkets. The uselessness of the toys is not different, nor their inevitable fate as something unpleasant to step on in the dark. There are some “rare” toys that are more desirable, and entire sets can be bought at stores at huge markups, just to keep from having to pump dollar coins into the machines. There is a large box next to the arcade of toy machines to collect empty capsules for reuse. Here are some of the most special displays.
Sure, every kid wants a trinket of Dig Dug, a game from when his parents were in elementary school.
How can you think that the sound of a dog barking is How How?” This is one of the capsule toys that doubles as a cell-phone trinket, for the 8 year old that wants to distinguish himself apart from just having a Nelly ringtone.
Please note some of the things the frogs say as they are driving their vehicles: “I love surfing!” and “I am No. 1!” That’s what it is to be an American.
Why would a child want an automatically sliced wooly Mammoth steak?
A capsule machine from my favorite weird Sanrio imitator, San-X. That bunny is also a mummy, or possibly he’s just horribly injured.
This one is a panda machine operated by another, tiny panda, and it reads “Let’s try to find our future!” If my future involves evil dual Panda overlords, I don’t want to find it.
Little boys still like sex, right?
When lucky dragons attack! Holy Shit!
Step right up and get your Golden Dinosaur!
Jack Skellington’s career keeps on going in Asia, just like Roy Clark’s does in Branson, MO.
This one was so mysterious that I had to plunk three dollar coins in. What was it? Am I really gonna get a hunched-over, vomiting cellphone charm?
And that’s exactly what I got. This one is vomiting up a tiny Flying V guitar, which makes him the “Rock” Hackman. If you are what you eat, surely you are what you later vomit up.
Bizarre small-world postscript: A friend was in Tokyo a week later, and met Hackman’s designer, who sent me another a Hackman capsule. She explained that Hackman comes in twos, because when you are sick, your friend will come to your aid.
Well, if you recall, I threatened that we were dressing as deceased lifestyle artist Leigh Bowery for Halloween, and here are how the outfits turned out. They are a simple combination of 15 yards of fabric, four gloves, 500 pink paillettes, including those that have dropped off in my glittery wake, and a replica WWI helmet.
They are great to drink and dance in, but terrible to eat, negotiate cramped parties, and do rifle practice in. After 6 clubs and parties, a total of 6 people identified our artist, which was 5 more than we expected. I was somewhat surprised that when I ran into friends and acquaintances, I was recognized as myself with 100% accuracy.
Apparently, my voice is distinctive, as is my propensity for yelling. However, two of my friends said that talking to me in the mask for extended periods of time was “creepy.”
I found that answering the question “What are you?” with the actual answer, “Leigh Bowery“, was tedious after awhile, because if we were not recognized immediately, giving the answer did not help the observer.
Our final count for Halloween was THREE costume contests won, one of which Ryan had to pull off solo, and one of which we won despite having already left the bar.
Hooray!
*Please note: I have replaced my former spouse’s name with Ryan Gosling’s in all posts, because someone searched for him and wound up here and screw that. Yes, I am extremely mature.
Farin Urlaub – Sumisu
For the Halloween season, enjoy this German pop song by Farin Urlaub about the Smiths, set to a video about Nosferatu. And Morrissey. So, it’s a German song about a British band, and the title is “Smiths” in Japanese. Welcome to the new world order. You know, the British invented Goth, but the Germans have really perfected it.
FAQ’s on my first Portland Marathon:
Q1. Did the St. Johns’ Bridge suck?
A1. Maybe for babies. It wasn’t nearly as rough as the Golden Gate bridge.
Q2. What deep thoughts did you have at mile 15?
A2. If someone had told me a year ago that I would want to stop at mile 15 and fill my socks with Vaseline, I would have called ’em crazy, but there I was.
Q3. What was the best thing you saw all day?
A3. In industrial Northwest, a baby stroller with an English Bulldog puppy in it. That actually might be the best thing I’ve seen, ever.
Q4. Can you finish a long race without getting black toenails?
A4. Evidently not, no.
Q5. What was your super-secret 256K playlist on your $12 mp3 player?
A5. You can see it here, if you want to. When I was finishing, “Positive Vibrations” came up, and it was helpful, because I was just starting to think that time had stopped and that I would be trapped in the 25th mile in a Groundhog’s Day manner.
Q6. What business did you most enjoy running past?
A6. The adult video store, Fat Cobra.
Q7. What kind of time did you finish in?
A7. I finished ten minutes under my estimated time at 5:20. I am happy with it. No, really, I am!
Q8. What deep thoughts did you have at Mile 23?
A8. Words that can be formed out of the letters in Portland: Art, Pot, Port, Land, Pardon, Patrol, Patron, Portal, Adopt, Adorn, Apron, Plant, Polar, Nodal, Opal, Drop, Pod, LARP, Lap, Pal, Rot, Tan, Nor, Toad, Rapt, Pond. Best Anagram: Pant Lord.
Q9. Did you hit “The Wall?”
A9. No, I just ran slowly for 5 hours, walked for twenty minutes, ate some cookies and went home.
Q10. What was the most Portland-y thing you saw?
A10. A runner in my pace group was not wearing shoes or a shirt, and had his timing chip taped around his ankle. His feet were uglier than most people’s.
Q11. Can encouraging spectators pronounce “Badinia?”
A11. No, but it was nice of them to try.
Here is a picture of me and Hazel, after one of us ran a marathon and the other slept in and chewed on an artificial squirrel.
On Sunday, I’m either going to run 26.2 miles, or else I’m going to die trying. I could potentially win, if something really awful happened to everyone else. The thing that is so great about running is that it feels so good to stop. Nothing feels as good as stopping running, and I’m looking forward to that as much as anything else. I have been training for this race for 8 months, which is three months longer than I spent preparing to get married.
I discovered today that any interested parties can keep track of my progress on their telephone by signing up for updates on this website – click on the Portland Marathon link. We can enjoy the day together- you get up, flip through the paper, note that I’m on mile five, have breakfast in bed with your European lover, laughing together about the amount of time it took me to get to mile 12, bathe, get dressed, complete a 500 piece puzzle and watch two movies and note that I have finally finished and know that I am out there somewhere, cursing and wearing a Mylar blanket.
My running bib number is 261, which you’ll need if you want to get updates- if it behooves you to drop me an encouraging line or give me advice on what else should be Vaselined, please do, but please don’t write me about your friend who started a marathon as a healthy and productive member of society but later fell across the finishline on two bloody stumps.