Tag: stand up comedy

Would-Be Reductress

Here’s my packet that is not going to be used by Reductress, because they told me it wouldn’t!   

  1. Science News: Clean Energy Source Burns Unwearable Dresses You Bought Online

  Scientists have created a power utility from America’s infinitely renewable resource, useless crap you bought online.  Did you know? A poorly beaded dress can heat a house for fifteen minutes, a giant quilted puffer coat that says “QUEEN” on the back can power a Roomba for a day.

Story Type: Science News

  1.  Your Baby Will Roast Your Highschool Style By Kindergarten

   In today’s rapidly  accelerating culture, your newborn baby will be roasting your best highschool outfits by the time they are out of diapers.  Take a deep breath and prep to get read!

Story Type: Fashion & Style

  1. Trendy Night Trainers: Squeeze Some Cardio Out Of Your Walk Of Shame

A listicle of great trainers to wear out so you can get home without too much trouble tomorrow, including:

  1. Sleek black sneaks that look great with everything, including toting your carcass home on the El
  2. Bedazzled Chucks, for when you get dragged out to find the D in Long Island. 
  3. Metallic Platform Trainers: the space age option for when you need to get home and get some of your own space

Story Type: Fashion & Style

    5. Woman In Your Office Opines, “I Hope I Look As Good As Helen Mirren When I’m 60”, But Does Not Look That Good Now

  Story Type: Celebrity 

  6. Guess What’s Wrong With Your Vagina Now?

   From grooming to jade eggs, there’s always something more you can be doing to make your vagina acceptable- get on it, bitch!

  Story Type: Beauty & Health

7. “What Are You Looking For On Here?” Asks Dude Seeking Reply, “Casual Sex With A Hideous Man”

   It’s every dating site dude’s opener, a seemingly innocent question that lets you know you shouldn’t expect too much, nay, anything from your interaction.  If he were asked the same, he would not, reply not, answer honestly.

   Story Type: Dating & Sex

8. “Why Can’t Women Be Chill?” Asks Man Whose Reproductive Capacity Ends With Death

  Why can’t women just hang out for eight or ten years before getting all uptight about commitment and kids, asks a man who has no timeline on kids whatsoever.

    Story Type: Dating & Sex

9. Dazzling Two Hour Ritual For The Perfect Dewy, Highlighted, No-Makeup Look!

  Starting with extensive exfoliation, then rubbing your skin all over with a little roller, and ending with blending your pores out of existence, this is the perfect look to pretend you’re low-maintenance and attract men who think saying women shouldn’t wear makeup is any better than saying they should wear lots of makeup!

   Story Type: Beauty & Health

10: “Why Can’t We Have Chill No-Strings Sex And You Don’t See Other People”, Non-Boyfriend Demands.

   There are so many new permutations on offer for dating scenarios that don’t exist, see also single polyamorous guys and girls who are very sexually conservative up until the day they meet you.

   Story Type: Dating & Sex

11.  “I Have No Boundaries” Says Woman, Like It’s A Feature

    “I absolutely say the first thing in my head, and I treat everyone like my best friend”, says Sharon Sluyter, as if it’s a positive asset and not absolutely terrifying to everyone around her.  

12. “I Guess I’m A Self-Sufficient Loner” Says Guy Whose Mother Still Does His Laundry

  “She likes to do it,” says Jordan.  

13.  “GUILT-FREE SNACKS: DID YOU KILL SOMEONE TO STEAL THOSE SNACKS?”

  Did you steal the snack?  Did you commit a murder to get them?  Great, it’s guilt-free!

14. “STEP BY STEP: 10 SQUATS THAT WILL DISTRACT FROM YOUR PERSONALITY FLAWS”

JUST! KEEP! SQUATTING!

Hi From Virginia Jones

This is my one-sheet with all my fancy stuff on it, for fancy people! C’mon! That Virginia Jones, she’s a star! Goddamnit!

Virginia Jones information promo
One-sheet for comedian Virginia Jones

The Latest Hack Comedy Trends

popular comedy tropes child in tinfoil hat

These are the hottest hack trends happening in LA comedy right now! Get on the hack comedy train, and you’ll get into all the hot shows and festivals!

Extremely Detailed Solipsism
Pretending To Be Mad About Small Things
ShockJock (90’s Nostalgia)
Fat Guys, Shirts Off
If I Yell It, It’s A Punchline
I Pooped In Public, A Closer
White People Interpreting Rap Lyrics
Homeless People Are Weird
That Time I Ate Too Much Pot
Hillbilly Philosopher (Nihilism in a Trucker Cap)

An Insider’s Guide to A Year In Comedy

The Holidays

Well, it’s the holidays, and it’s a hard time of the year to do comedy. It’s the time when all the best-of and who’s-next lists come out, and you might not be on those lists. It’s also when shows go on hiatus or just die off, as the hosts say, well, don’t we have something better to do on a Tuesday? You say to yourself, well, I went to that show ten times last year in hopes of being booked on it and that was time wasted. It’s also the time of year when you have to justify to your parents what you’re still doing in LA.

Springtime

And then it’s Spring, when all the festivals write to say you didn’t qualify to fly yourself to a small city and do unpaid shows, but it’s only because they had SO many comics apply for SO few spots. And who decided you didn’t make the cut? A guy who sleeps on his friend’s couch and lives on burritos.

Some festivals you’ve been applying to for so long that other people have started comedy, done that festival, and quit comedy again, all while you’re still sending in your thirty bucks. You realize that one festival has taken three hundred dollars from you, and you could have just flown yourself to New York to do unpaid sets. You’re on a show with a guy whose whole set is about how he likes smoking pot and how dating is hard, and he’s done every comedy festival you haven’t done. It’s a hard time of year to be a comic then.

Summertime

After that is Summer, when you might hit the road and do some gigs, really remind yourself what it is to do comedy for real people, not those sycophants and ass kissers back home, except for every show you get to, everyone’s at the tractor pull or the air show or they’re just wandering the streets on a clear, warm summer night, holding hands and sharing a bag of kettle corn, like regular people, instead of spending the night trapped inside a sweaty comedy club listening to some LA asshole who can’t even get into festivals. And that’s a hard time of the year to do comedy.

Fall

After that it’s Fall, when your friends who write for television are up for Important Awards, and they look so great in their red carpet outfits. The new shows start and you’re not on any of ’em, I mean sure, you take some comfort in the fact that the pilot you didn’t get cast for didn’t get picked up, but it’s time to get out to the new comedy shows to kiss up to the new bookers, who two years ago were open mikers you wouldn’t deign to speak to but now you’re their Instagram friends, until they stop booking those shows and you quietly unfollow them. It’s a hard time of year to be comic, then.

And then, of course- it’s the holidays.

Diminishing Returns of Compliments


Rule of Comedy: If you hang out long enough at the club, you’ll see people’s excitement levels drop precipitously. The people who really liked you will come talk to you about it immediately, and then the people who kind of liked it will say something, and at closing time people who didn’t really care for it will feel compelled to mention that they saw you or that they heard you were good.

I also got my favorites handed out in Lewiston, ID at MJ Barleyhoppers (yes, *that* MJ Barleyhoppers) : “I don’t know what their problem was, I thought you were hilarious”, and “Don’t worry, they’re too stupid to know how funny you were!”