Here’s my packet that is not going to be used by Reductress, because they told me it wouldn’t!
- Science News: Clean Energy Source Burns Unwearable Dresses You Bought Online
Scientists have created a power utility from America’s infinitely renewable resource, useless crap you bought online. Did you know? A poorly beaded dress can heat a house for fifteen minutes, a giant quilted puffer coat that says “QUEEN” on the back can power a Roomba for a day.
Story Type: Science News
- Your Baby Will Roast Your Highschool Style By Kindergarten
In today’s rapidly accelerating culture, your newborn baby will be roasting your best highschool outfits by the time they are out of diapers. Take a deep breath and prep to get read!
Story Type: Fashion & Style
- Trendy Night Trainers: Squeeze Some Cardio Out Of Your Walk Of Shame
A listicle of great trainers to wear out so you can get home without too much trouble tomorrow, including:
- Sleek black sneaks that look great with everything, including toting your carcass home on the El
- Bedazzled Chucks, for when you get dragged out to find the D in Long Island.
- Metallic Platform Trainers: the space age option for when you need to get home and get some of your own space
Story Type: Fashion & Style
5. Woman In Your Office Opines, “I Hope I Look As Good As Helen Mirren When I’m 60”, But Does Not Look That Good Now
Story Type: Celebrity
6. Guess What’s Wrong With Your Vagina Now?
From grooming to jade eggs, there’s always something more you can be doing to make your vagina acceptable- get on it, bitch!
Story Type: Beauty & Health
7. “What Are You Looking For On Here?” Asks Dude Seeking Reply, “Casual Sex With A Hideous Man”
It’s every dating site dude’s opener, a seemingly innocent question that lets you know you shouldn’t expect too much, nay, anything from your interaction. If he were asked the same, he would not, reply not, answer honestly.
Story Type: Dating & Sex
8. “Why Can’t Women Be Chill?” Asks Man Whose Reproductive Capacity Ends With Death
Why can’t women just hang out for eight or ten years before getting all uptight about commitment and kids, asks a man who has no timeline on kids whatsoever.
Story Type: Dating & Sex
9. Dazzling Two Hour Ritual For The Perfect Dewy, Highlighted, No-Makeup Look!
Starting with extensive exfoliation, then rubbing your skin all over with a little roller, and ending with blending your pores out of existence, this is the perfect look to pretend you’re low-maintenance and attract men who think saying women shouldn’t wear makeup is any better than saying they should wear lots of makeup!
Story Type: Beauty & Health
10: “Why Can’t We Have Chill No-Strings Sex And You Don’t See Other People”, Non-Boyfriend Demands.
There are so many new permutations on offer for dating scenarios that don’t exist, see also single polyamorous guys and girls who are very sexually conservative up until the day they meet you.
Story Type: Dating & Sex
11. “I Have No Boundaries” Says Woman, Like It’s A Feature
“I absolutely say the first thing in my head, and I treat everyone like my best friend”, says Sharon Sluyter, as if it’s a positive asset and not absolutely terrifying to everyone around her.
12. “I Guess I’m A Self-Sufficient Loner” Says Guy Whose Mother Still Does His Laundry
“She likes to do it,” says Jordan.
13. “GUILT-FREE SNACKS: DID YOU KILL SOMEONE TO STEAL THOSE SNACKS?”
Did you steal the snack? Did you commit a murder to get them? Great, it’s guilt-free!
14. “STEP BY STEP: 10 SQUATS THAT WILL DISTRACT FROM YOUR PERSONALITY FLAWS”
JUST! KEEP! SQUATTING!
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